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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I insensitive or it she over sensitive?

24 replies

Lancslass11 · 05/05/2022 06:31

For background I am in my early 50s. Dsis is mid 60s. We have lost relatives in their 40s and 50s and I have lost a very close friend in our forties.
Our brother celebrated his 70th recently and I commented along the line of how I made sure I got a small gift with 70 on as it is special and should be marked and celebrated as not everyone gets that privilege.
I was greeted with an angry reaching 70 is not all that special these days as most people manage it etc etc.etc. I tried to explain myself from the context of losing my friend whrn she was only 42 with a five year old son but the damage was done and she was huffy with me for the rest of my visit.
So was unreasonable and insensitive?

OP posts:

Branleuse · 05/05/2022 07:05

To me, it sounds like shes oversensitive.
Is she often moody or maybe just feeling her own mortality a bit?

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 05/05/2022 07:10

I also wondered if she is feeling her own mortality. So many young losses can get into your head. I would personally have been surprised at your "not everyone gets to 70" comment", perhaps it would have been considered a grand old age a generation ago, but now it really isn't.

BattenburgDonkey · 05/05/2022 07:10

It’s a bit morbid buying presents based on others deaths, and then telling other people about it. Especially if you’ve both lost others young and she’s not that far off 70 I can see why she wasn’t overjoyed hearing it. She was oversensitive but given your own views on your brother basically being lucky to be alive at 70 i can see how she got upset. I think you are both a little daft here though sorry.

Original poster

Lancslass11 · 05/05/2022 07:11

I suppose she can be a bit short tempered at times. I did wonder about the mortality thing as of course she is over 10 years closer to 70.

OP posts:

queenMab99 · 05/05/2022 07:18

She doesn't sound particularly sensitive, just contrary and negative. I wouldn't worry about it, I am in my 70s and appreciate my good fortune at getting this far.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 05/05/2022 07:23

I actual think that you were white insensitive. She’s almost at the age that you have highlighted that not everyone gets to. So are almost saying enjoy cos you could die soon.
I know you weren’t but it could be perceived that way

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 05/05/2022 07:23

Quite not white ffs

MissPattyGilmore · 05/05/2022 07:24

Sounds over sensitive to me, perhaps she is feeling old?

2pinkginsplease · 05/05/2022 07:26

She is definitely being over sensitive,

I’ve realised the older I’ve become that growing older and celebrating another birthday is a privilege that some people don’t get.

PeaceLurking9to5 · 05/05/2022 07:29

It's normal to mark any 'big' roundy birthday!
Perhaps they've always felt that you make them feel old! That's probably the real issue. In their heads they're your age and then you make it clear inadvertently that 70 is nearly 20 years older than you are, and they feel anger that you have reminded them of that.

MichelleScarn · 05/05/2022 07:30

Did she get a special something for her 60th? Is it maybe more that?

Whooshaagh · 05/05/2022 07:33

If you'd said that to me I would have laughed and said thanks in a joking way.
However I have a dark sense of humour.

My own ds, in his 30's , can't talk about death in any way and shuts the conversation down.
Some people are scared of death and dying.

DinoRock · 05/05/2022 07:33

I commented along the line of how I made sure I got a small gift with 70 on as it is special and should be marked and celebrated as not everyone gets that privilege. tbh I think this was a little off of you. If you've lost relatives young then you are all acutely aware not everybody makes it to 70. And also as PP says she is nearly the age you've said not everyone makes it too.

Original poster

Lancslass11 · 05/05/2022 07:34

@2pinkginsplease that is exactly what I meant.
Good to see both sides@Idontgiveagriffindamn
I suppose I meant we are both lucky as is dbro.
Seeing my godson without a mum probably clouds my judgement on this.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2022 07:35

"I’ve realised the older I’ve become that growing older and celebrating another birthday is a privilege that some people don’t get."

I'm mid 50's and have had a lot of friends die. My sister is late 60's and physically ageing badly. Some days there's gratitude, some days there's the thoughts of possibly only having ten years mobility/life left, if that. Your brother hitting 70 might have had her thinking about ageing and your comment on top has got a nerve. So she might be struggling with being positive. I think that your comment was unnecessary and Ill thought out. The privilege of ageing applies to every age.

PeaceLurking9to5 · 05/05/2022 07:36

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 05/05/2022 07:23

Emily Dickinson poetry is on many syllabi. 18 year olds are invincible but nobody in their 50s should apologise to somebody in their mid 60s for knowing that we're all going to die at some point. Nobody can be protected from that knowledge.

I'm 52 and in the last month, a woman I knew growing up has died. A woman who lives locally to me died swimming (bit older than I am). I'm sure that these shocking sad incidences that make you think ''thank God I'm still here'' don't diminish as we all age.

@Lancslass11 I think your sister was hurt that you see yourself as much younger when she has seen the two of you as the two sisters and you put them in a group of old people with yourself as the younger person with more time to go. I put that really clumsily but that might have upset her. Not your fault, because.................... see first paragraph!

DaisyWaldron · 05/05/2022 07:36

A bit of both, I think. The way you've explained it here, it's quite clear what you meant, and what you meant is perfectly reasonable, but I can also see that it would be quite easy to misinterpret it as meaning "It's fairly likely that you'll be dead in five years" which would probably put most people in a bad mood.

Original poster

Lancslass11 · 05/05/2022 07:38

It was 2 relatives on our side and 1 on dhs side. Although I suppose for me it was more about my friend and her son growing up without a Mum. Her loss was particularly bad as an another 2 mum's who were more acquaintances died that year too.
Point taken though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lancslass11 · 05/05/2022 07:41

Sorry that was clunky. My friends loss wasn't thr same as the acquaintances on a personal level but on an individual level for the families concerned.
I guess her experience of early death is more limited than mine and that has clouded my judgment.

OP posts:

Spidey66 · 05/05/2022 07:43

Both my parents were dead by 67, so yeah I'll be celebrating in 15 years time if I get there!

Spidey66 · 05/05/2022 07:44

Spidey66 · 05/05/2022 07:43

Both my parents were dead by 67, so yeah I'll be celebrating in 15 years time if I get there!

Celebrating at 70 that is. I'm 55 now.

Original poster

Lancslass11 · 05/05/2022 07:45

Tbh I don't think I don't see myself as younger. I was trying on a clumsy way to say we were all privileged. I certainly felt my 50th needed celebrating too and indeed i did with a party as my friend had great plans for her 50th but never made it. I will be celebrating my 60th too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lancslass11 · 05/05/2022 07:46

@Spidey66 sorry for your losses.

OP posts:

LowlandLucky · 05/05/2022 08:17

When it is your sisters birthday buy her a normal card and give her flowers, i bet she will grumble. Some folk just love to moan.

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