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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by my husband’s annoyance?

13 replies

Mum032019 · 04/05/2022 22:40

First timer poster here.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 11. We have a 3 year old son. We both work and my job has quite a lot of stress attached to it that affects direct family personally (it is a family business). We are both often stressed / tired in different ways but I’m primarily responsible for organising everything and doing all the housework / childcare responsibilities. He is quite a hands on dad in terms of spending quality time with our son but not in respect of doing things like feeding him, taking him to classes etc. I work 3 days which often spills into 5 as extra hours, my husband 5 days and he is the main breadwinner, mainly by choice as we agreed I’d reduce my hours post birth.

My annoyance is everytime I get upset about anything, either a culmination of stressful factors or because something specific has happened, his reaction is ‘it must be the time of the month’ or ‘I’m having a tantrum’ or I’m just being a cow. Today is his birthday, a lot of effort has been made and something happened that affected my family that upset me. I had a little cry in private which he walked in on which then caused a massive shouting session from him, how i’d ruined his birthday and been dramatic etc. he gets exceptionally angry and if I try defend my behaviour he just shouts and says I’m being awful and treats me like a toddler that needs a time out. Im completely fed up of his behaviour and really don’t know how to improve things. I’ll be the first to admit I have a temper and can be quick to anger but I’ve really worked on this and in these instances, it is him flying off the handle.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 04/05/2022 22:52

Well his behaviour is out of order and verbally abusive. He needs to stop and change now or it will be the end of the relationship. You cannot live with that dragging you down every day. I’d be saying no name calling and anger management therapy now or he can pack his bags and leave.

Even if you were a highly sensitive person who stresses easily and cries at the drop of a hat, a loving partner would understand this about you and give you a cuddle or say something to cheer you up. I don’t think you are highly sensitive, btw, just illustrating how truly bad his behaviour is, there is no justification for it at all.

PeaceLurking9to5 · 04/05/2022 22:54

So, you're not allowed to have an upset reaction but he's allowed to have an angry reaction?! And he is the judge of that. Double standard there

Sounds awful by the way :=(

Topgub · 04/05/2022 22:57

Yikes

Why are you doing all the housework and childcare?

Why are you putting up with him treating you like shit?

Mum032019 · 04/05/2022 22:59

I feel like this is true but then when he’s not like this he can be so lovely and is mortified it in a calm moment I explain how I felt. His dad is quite similar and his mum just completely ignores now (from any public outbursts I’ve seen). It doesn’t help I feel so resentful towards him half the time for all the things he doesn’t do. He really does work hard, but I do too. The few hours I get alone are spent doing stuff like housework although I have now factored time in for the gym. However I’m up by 7, in bed about 11:30-12 and he’s always saying he’s knackered 🙈.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/05/2022 22:59

That's not on. Basically you're not allowed to have any emotions. Unless there is a back story about you being permanently negative and over reacting (eg the thing that happened to your family today was exceptionally minor and inconsequential) and he has just snapped then his reaction is misogynistic and completely unacceptable. Why the fuck should you have to hide how you feel and pretend to be really happy all the time?

I think you need to sit down somewhere neutral so he can't shout, and at a time when you aren't upset. Tell him that his behaviour is disgusting and a partner is meant to support someone who is upset not have a go at them for expressing normal human emotions. Why does he do it? And how is he going to make sure he changes? Would he ever go to counselling? If not it may be time for some boundaries and if he continues to act like that then you're off

coodawoodashooda · 04/05/2022 22:59

He is a bastard op.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/05/2022 23:00

And does he get any downtime? If so then it's not fair that he does and you don't

WhiskerPatrol · 04/05/2022 23:02

Your husband's attitude to you is one of contempt, which is Gottman"s number one predictor of divorce,but you both sound like hard work. If working with close family is too tough on you emotionally then perhaps you should do something else? Especially if you're working 5 days when you only get paid for 3.

Hexen · 04/05/2022 23:02

Sounds like he thinks you are a domestic appliance.

and you know how fucking annoying it is when the dishwasher breaks down right?

that’s him. Right there. Irritated because appliances are just supposed to do their job and make his life easier.

Mum032019 · 04/05/2022 23:02

i think we’ve just fallen into it. I am my own worse enemy in terms of being impatient and just getting on with things, if I didn’t we’d live in a pit. He does have good points but it’s the anger that’s really getting to me. For example, tonight he’s in bed watching tv really loud on his laptop ‘to relax’ as I’ve stressed him out and it makes it impossible to sleep. It’s petty behaviour but if I did it he’d go mad!

OP posts:
Topgub · 04/05/2022 23:06

Thats not normal behaviour @Mum032019

At best its extremely childish and petty at worst its bordering on abusive

He sounds awful I'm afraid.

Mum032019 · 04/05/2022 23:09

I’m sure I can be hard work! I’d not deny that! work wise, there’s just a very specific issue at the moment that has a huge effect on the business. It’s not like this is a constant theme, just a massive problem at the moment and obviously as my family are affected it’s upsetting. But it’s no reason to leave.

OP posts:
MissBPotter · 04/05/2022 23:17

He’s watching tv on his laptop really loudly and you can’t sleep because of it? That’s not on, tell him to bugger off! You seem scared of him which is not nice. He sounds pretty rubbish, he only does the fun side of parenting and has a job, but expects to be waited on hand and foot and for you to do all the difficult parenting!

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