Not ready for DC2

[NC2037]

NC for this. DH wants another child. Both DH and I are 32. We already have a 3 yo DC. I experienced terrible PND with my 1st. I’m worried that I may experience similar issues with DC2.

AIBU to not want another child due to my history?

Or YABU and if I am please tell me why in the comments.

Thank You All 💐

Bump

You're never unreasonable to want or not to want another child, and if you're not sure, it's much better to wait.

I don't know much about it, but could there be support from the midwives/GPs if you're a high risk for PND to try to help you stave it off? Would you want another if you could guarantee you wouldn't have PND? (Obviously no one could guarantee that, but it's an interesting thought experiment to unpick how you actually feel!)

Of course you're not being unreasonable - whatever your reason, but esp due to PND. It's bloody awful and a terrifying prospect to think of being thrown back into that black hole!

If you think you might want more children but it's the PND that's holding you back then definitely speak no your HV and/or GP.

And if your DH is not being understanding then maybe he doesn't understand and needs to do some reading up on the issue.

Of course YANBU.

Your body, your choice.

Think long and hard before you consider another child.

Tell your husband that you are NOT having any more children until further notice, and you will tell him IF you change your mind.

YOU have to carry this child and birth it.
YOU get to decide.

I would be VERY wary of any man pushing this when you have gone through so much.

Of course it is not unreasonable. No one should be forced to have a child if they don't want one.

@numberthirtytwowindsorgardens Would you want another if you could guarantee you wouldn't have PND? (Obviously no one could guarantee that, but it's an interesting thought experiment to unpick how you actually feel!)

Yes. As crazy as that sounds, yes, I would be up for it if there was a guarantee that I would not experience PND the second time around. But I realise that this cannot be predicted or predetermined.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, it is the possibility of a repeat of PND that’s holding me back. I will take your advice and contact my GP for further advice regarding this.

He is understanding now, I just don’t think that he fully understands what I went through the first time.

I’ve told him several times to read up on the issue but he seems reluctant to do so, maybe because it would mean actually helping me this time around as opposed to backing off when he experienced my symptoms back then.

@billy1966 Tell your husband that you are NOT having any more children until further notice, and you will tell him IF you change your mind.
**
YOU have to carry this child and birth it.
YOU get to decide.
**
I would be VERY wary of any man pushing this when you have gone through so much.

Thank you so much. I needed to hear this 💐

YANBU

Although, with your history anything like PND will be monitored for and picked up and treated much more quickly - you'll probably spot the signs quite quickly yourself even.

And no two pregnancies are the same so you might find another totally different.

But still YANBU if you don't want another child you don't want another child and that's just the way it is.

Not adding even more to human overpopulation is a good thing.

What specific reasons does your husband want another kid? Does he do the majority of parenting, drudge work, chores and planning?
If yes, he still gets no say, since it would be you risking your actual life, mental health, body, to produce another kid for no real reason.

@NC2037

I’ve told him several times to read up on the issue but he seems reluctant to do so, maybe because it would mean actually helping me this time around as opposed to backing off when he experienced my symptoms back then.

I'm sad to read this OP. His reluctance to do anything constructive in understanding and supporting you during what you went through, and could, potentially, go through again, is a good reason to not go through another pregnancy/birth.

It's easy to want a baby when you're not prepared to do any of the work around what that means for all the people concerned. 🌹

I think it's fair to say that you are likely to get PND again. However nobody can predict the severity.

As others have said - the final say on this comes down to you. Do NOT do it to appease your husband.

OP,

Past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour.

If he was a waste of space the last time and is STILL refusing to educate himself on it, you would be well advised NOT to consider another child.

You put YOU first, he certainly doesn't sound like he is dependable.

Enjoy the child you have.

I had my first baby last year and had severe PND also. I was very bad, on medication and had a team of doctors and nurses who saw me regularly. I do feel through that my PND was brought on my some severe health issues that came up while I was pregnant that likely would not happen again in the next pregnancy.

Before I had my baby I wanted like 5 children and still do. Children are a blessing and I want a big family around me. My husband feels the same. I was scared at first like you are of PND coming back. But the truth is I don’t let that worry me. I trust that I will be okay and the doctors and midwife’s will be on it. Last time I was out on medication that really helped and I suppose I could ask to be put on that again if needed.

Even today I still struggle with anxiety after everything but, not to the extent that I don’t want more babies. Whatever it is in life that you desire try to not let fear rule your decisions. Your other half should be more understanding and helpful to ease your worries. Did he not see you and what you were like with PND? My husband became very full on with the baby because I was to unwell. I know if needed that I have that support. Ask yourself if you do?

Thank you for being so honest, I agree with you. He wasn’t as supportive as I feel he should have been under the circumstances and it’s just not a risk that I think I am prepared to take.

You say to enjoy the child I have and I do, I love DC to bits. But what if I am doing her a disservice by not giving her a sibling? That plays on my mind constantly. I feel horrible that she is an only child because of the fact that I am scared of not being able to cope again.

But what if I am doing her a disservice by not giving her a sibling? That plays on my mind constantly. I feel horrible that she is an only child because of the fact that I am scared of not being able to cope again.

I feel exactly the same. I'm also scared of being sick so the first trimester terrifies me.

But then I think of the fact that I've had a child, so I can stop and get on with my life now. For me it's almost like I can't be arsed doing it all over again. I've got a delightful little girl, why have more.

Am I selfish?

Each of my children have several only children, and nicer, happier, more well adjusted, confident children you couldn't meet.

One mum did tell me that she would have loved another child and asked her son once would he like a sibling?, ......he answered he'd prefer a puppy, which they promptly got.

The most important thing is a happy, healthy mother.

Don't spoil this time beating yourself up with guilt, it solves nothing IMO.

Continue to enjoy this time.

You sound like a great mum and a sensible one.

He didn't step up the last time and isn't even prepared to put in the tiny effort of educating himself,........ yet he would like you to carry a baby for 9 months and possibly go through this again?

Not a chance would I do it.
You need to firmly put yourself and your health first, that is the best thing for your family.

No, I don’t think you’re selfish at all, because I also feel exactly the same in terms of not being arsed to go through it all again. I ended up in hospital and everything, gained so much weight, it mentally and physically drained me.

DC is also a delightful and joyous child. What if I have another one and they grow to despise each other? Not all sibling relationships are good relationships. I don’t even have a relationship with 2 of my siblings.

@billy1966 thanks so much. As much as I love DH, sometimes I feel like he is emotionally immature to the point where I already feel like I have a second child anyway.

So to go through all of that again, only to find that he hasn’t changed, hasn’t grown up and won’t emotionally support me, would make me an idiot. Deep down I know this.

OP,

You are NO idiot.

As the saying goes "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".

You sound clued in.

MN is full of poor women with husbands that do nothing to share the load and yet they have 4 children🤷‍♀️.

That I just don't get.

After one child, if my husband hadn't totally stepped up, I would have been SO done.

You are being very practical.
You love your child, you have a great relationship and you simply aren't prepared to roll the dice and ruin the next few years with all that is involved when you don't trust your husband to share the load.

You are being both wise and sensible.

As is @Disneyblueeyes

True, my hubby does pull his weight though, moreso than me sometimes.

I just can't be arsed with it all again. I have a couple of friends who are pregnant/have a small baby and I find the whole baby chat a bit boring nowadays!