AIBU to have a wobble about this job offer?

[samecrapdifferentname]

I've not worked out of the home for nearly eighteen years.

I have a job offer which would mean my husband reducing his hours in a job he hates, and me working three long days a week, 9-5.30.

We have teenage children but they both have additional needs and my younger one can't be left alone so this would mean one of us always being at home.

I want to contribute more to the household income and for DH not to feel like everything rests on him.

So this all works on paper but I am having a massive freak out about it. It just feels like a massive, massive change in the way our family works which is objectively a good thing but I can't deal with the thought at all.

What if I just can't manage it? What if my younger child can't cope with it being dad rather than mum sometimes who takes her to medical appointments? What if I have to quit for whatever reason but DH's employers don't let him go back to four days a week?

I can't work out whether this is an understandable wobble or something deep inside me saying this isn't the right thing to do.

I need a grip, or a handhold, or something. I'm speaking to the manager at what would be my new work this afternoon.

I can imagine that must be scary after 18 years and it sounds as if you have a lot on your plate anyway. But change is always scary so that is to be expected. It sounds an great opportunity - go for it!

Thanks. That's roughly what I'm telling myself but the message isn't getting through!

It's only 3 days, u will get a lot out of having your own life and time to see people away from home. your child will learn to spend time away from you and be able to cope which is very important too

Such a change must be scary, but you will all benefit from it in the long run.

Might help to reframe it as '3 days a week' rather than '3 long days..'? 9-5.30pm is a normal working day for most. And think of all the 'me' time you will have! I revel in time on the train/ bus getting to work where I can switch off or read the newspaper or a book and then go to the toilet in peace and talk about non family stuff with colleagues!

I agree with this. 9-5:30 is a pretty standard working day. Change can be scary, but it can also be a really good thing.

As above, 9-5.30 are normal working hours, meaning you are probably doing 22.5 hours/week? It's a good balance, as you're still at home/not working on more days than you are working. I would look on it as an opportunity to get back into the workplace, contribute to household income, perhaps build up a pension and give yourself a focus outside the home. Sounds like your dh will be able to support the dc where his hours are reduced and it provides a good opportunity for him to step up in this respect. It is a massive change for you, and one which will take some adjustment, but no reason why it should not be a positive move for you all.

Point taken about the time. Strangely I don't think I know that many people who work a 9-5.30 day but you're right, it is standard.

It's 24h a week, so 9-5.30 with a half hour break.

Good luck OP, they sound like nice hours.

I'm in a similar boat. I have been at home for 10 years and looking to go back to work full time now my husband is working less hours. I'm not going to lie I am scared and worried but I think it can only be a good thing.

It's really hard to get back into the job market after 18 years out. You've got the holy grail of a job offer with fixed part time hours. Stop self sabotaging, undermining your husband (assuming he's the competent model - no, he won't do everything the way you do and yes, that's ok) and accept that change is scary but doing nothing is actively choosing not to have all the benefits you outlined.

You can do this (so can he, and so can your DD).

Knew people were going to go on about you calling that a long day. A little beside the point though. Are you confident your DH will contribute effectively at home?

Think of it as investing in YOU, and it’s good that your children learn that other adults inc. their dad can support them. It will help your children grow in independence no matter what additional needs they have at some point in their lives they will need others to help them. (I have a DD who needs a lot of life scaffolding) You may enjoy the headspace away from your role as ‘mum’ and build another working identity. It’s completely normal to feel daunted and overwhelmed by this type of change but although it’s cliché - confidence is a muscle that does get stronger when you do different things. I hope you can give it a go and accept it can take min 3-mths to start to feel ok in a new role, 6-months to really understand what’s going on and a year to feel settled. Good luck!

It is a great opportunity and everyone has the colly wobbles about change.
On a light hearted note 9,530 isn't a long day.
10,1030s are.You will be fine.Good luck.

Yes, absolutely, and it will be great for him to build a different sort of relationship with the children. I'm not worried about that at all. I wish I could put my finger on what it is I am worried about!

What you say about confidence is true, but the funny thing is that I am in general very confident. People who know me would be astounded to see the current falling-apart version. As, in fact, was DH when this started last night.

It must feel extremely scary but I think it will be so good for you, and also for your children too, to see you have a life outside the home.

And if it’s a disaster you can just do a month then quit, you are not signing your life away!

(Ps DH works 7am - 10pm, often longer. That’s a long day. Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

It's very understandable to be worried about a change after a long spell out of paid work. Don't think that's odd at all!

Can your husband look for another job anyway, if he hates his?

Totally understandable to feel like this with such a big change. I agree with what everyone else has said about how enjoyable it might be for you.

I’d encourage you to do some planning about what you need to happen to make a success of it. Do you need a cleaner? Do you and DP need a talk about a new division of responsibilities? Do your DC need any support to help them get ready for this change?

it sometimes helps to make a concrete plan to give the worry a productive channel!

It is a huge change so completely normal to feel anxious/ nervous about it! Most ppl feel nervous about starting a new job as it is without that sort of a gap and home life.

I think it will be great for you. Give it a go. I know there are worst case scenarios you can run through your head but if you don't try you won't know.

Recognising that anxiety isn’t logical and change can produce fight or flight feelings can help you to see that it’s ok to feel arrhh about it but trust that you can do it or you wouldn’t have got this far through the application and job interview. Just one foot in front of another and accept you won’t know what to do in the first few days or feel in control all the time, to give yourself some slack if you don’t understand parts of the job to start with is to be completely human. We can all be our own worst enemies self sabotaging. Focus on the positives and give it a try.

You’ll never know if you don’t try, it’s part time work so not too bad as you’ll both be working reduced hours. The time will go so quickly.

I think it’s completely normal to be worried about such a big life change!

I imagine it’ll all be a bit up in the air for the first month or 2 and then you’ll all settle into your new routines. Hopefully DH will step up in the household front, and you will enjoy this new challenge

Absolutely normal to feel worried after such a long time at home however its just 3 normal length working days, it will benefit your husband and the kids will get used to it.
I did similar when mine were very small out of necessity, went from 16 to 40 hours a week. All I can say is don't give up too soon if it feels chaotic/wrong as it needs a settling in period for all. Additional needs or not, our offspring sometimes have to "suck it up" and it just takes some adjustment time before giving up.
I hope you love it :)

I’m gently handing you a soft grip.

Your husband has been shouldering the financial burden for almost two decades. You can work 24hrs a week to give him some breathing space and contribute now that you don’t have small kids at home.

You’ll adjust, the children will adjust. You’ll be fine.