To ask for help with 7yo behaviour

[cadburyegg]

I've read threads on here and also done some googling but theres so much conflicting advice.

I am struggling a bit with my 7yo's defiant behaviour and rudeness. The defiant behaviour has got better as I've put more boundaries in. He does also have some separation anxiety issues- doesn't want to leave me to go into school.

However I'm still struggling with the rudeness and general backchat. I've seen some people say on other threads/online "you need to nip it in the bud now or he'll be a horrid teen" "show him you're in control" but I'm not sure how to do this because apart from him being rude I do feel like I've got a handle on things. I've got a reward chart but then I've also read that these can be a bad idea for behaviour that you expect anyway.

At the moment I say things like
"I won't tolerate being talked to like that, talk to me nicely if you want something" and then not respond until he's being kinder.
This morning he kept being rude so I said no iPad time after school but he just laughed at me, didn't seem to care. Also it didn't curb his behaviour, I guess because I'd already taken something away there was no incentive to behave.

Some background- I'm a single parent, he also has a 4yo brother. Sees his dad irregularly due to his shifts. His behaviour is good at school, he is fine socially and has plenty of friends.

He won't be laughing tonight when you follow through with your threat of no iPad. Would he respond to a reward chart? Earning a few pence for good behaviour?

I do think with siblings it is often (with older child) an attention seeking thing. Maybe if you can find time to carve out for him and you together a few mins a day so he feels special and then he might act out a bit less? (I know it's hard as a single parent). Also praise for when he is good rather than focussing on negatives all the time.

Given the anxiety around leaving you at school I would say this is behaviour looking for boundaries. Plenty of positive reinforcement - catch him being kind, thoughtful, helpful and implement any restrictions for negative behaviour. Keep hugging them - my eldest went through a stage of pushing the boundaries - kept the line - fair and consistent - not a bother on him now. No child is perfect they are human and will make poor choices but with love/consistency they will be grand.

I always wait for the term 'iPad' or 'screen time' to be used in these threads because that to me is generally where the problem lies. People can give out all they want but when it comes down to it I'd say at least a percentage of this is because of screens. I know because all of our problems is started coming with the Xbox and the iPad and iPhones. Kids can't handle them. If you stare at a screen for long enough you get headache and irritable if you don't get enough fresh air exact same thing. I don't know your situation but whether you cut or cull screen time, follow through on your threat. And start 'babying' him a little- playing more one to one board games with him, having teddy bears picnics, looking at rainbows, stars etc. And be firm too. Sounds like the way you talk to him is spot on. Best of luck OP, have totally been and regularly still am there!!

Sometimes you need to get cross. Very cross. A stern voice and shocked face.

It's all very well saying 'don't be rude' but he needs to realize that you mean it. Make sure you follow through with no ipad, reminding him why he can't have it.

He is fine at school, because school have clear expectations of good behaviour, and he needs these expectations at home too.

By all means praise good behaviour, and give him lots of attention, but you need to balance it with sometimes showing your disapproval.

Sometimes I think parents today are a little afraid of getting cross with children. I'm not saying that this is your case, but I often see posters desperate because of their child's behaviour, and it really needs to begin when they're young. It's often too late to start putting real boundaries in once the child gets to 8 or 9 and is still being rude and defiant.

(I'm a retired teacher with adult children of my own).

Did back chat and being rude not exist before iPads and Xboxes? I agree it can be the source of some children's poor behaviour but I don't know why you would leap to this conclusion from what the OP has posted.

Maybe reframe things like the iPad so it’s not something you take away but something he has to earn with good behaviour.

it might sound pedantic but children do respond better to ‘that was great. You talked to me nicely all the way from school today. You can have X minutes on the iPad after school’ than a threat to take it away.

the iPad can stop being something that he’s just entitled to and something that he can earn time using.

Did back chat and being rude not exist before iPads and Xboxes? I agree it can be the source of some children's poor behaviour but I don't know why you would leap to this conclusion from what the OP has posted.
I could be totally wrong it's just in most threads where a screen is mentioned it ends up being the problem! Plus th er y are pretty much always the problem in our house, the times they go out and play their moods are hugely different to being in on a screen. Again possibly just our problem but actually one that's brought up a lot in all of the classes and especially with the younger ones

As a teacher, I think a mixture of praise and punishment is the way to go.

Even though it can feel really artificial, praising when they are doing the right thing is really important. I did it today to a really chatty class of year 8s: "Thank you for listening so attentively. It's nice to hear your opinions." The comments cost me nothing, but they sat up a bit straighter and there were some smiles. Rather than shouting, I do the disappointed tone: "oh dear, I had hoped we had turned a corner and you knew not to talk when I'm speaking. Back to your name on the board is it?" That normally brings a "sorry miss".

As others have said, if he's the older one, give him a bit of responsibility. Praise him for it. Give him the chance to earn privileges back.

Sees his dad irregularly due to his shifts.

I would say this is likely to be the issue. Which is why he also has attached issues and doesn't want to leave you when going to school. All the punishment in the world isn't going to fill the gap he feels from missing his dad.

Is it something that can improved?

Attachment issues*

Punishments don’t work. So instead think about how you can encourage him to behave - when is he rude, is it when he’s asked to get off his screen?

Sounds a lot like my 7yo DD.
I find myself saying “It’s now WHAT you’re saying, it’s the WAY you’re saying it that’s the problem”. Sometimes she speaks to me and her siblings with absolute venom in her voice! I’ve been trying to make it clear to her that being rude will get her nowhere, and I will not be giving her what she wants until she speaks to me with the same respect I give her.
She is the model pupil at school - recently had a parents evening and her teacher had nothing but good things to say about what a lovely pupil she is to have in the class and how kind she is to her classmates - she was quite shocked when I discussed the struggles I’ve had at home with her attitude and the way she treats me and her siblings on increasing occasions.
I’m also a single parent OP, and totally get how stuff like this can get to you. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’ve failed epically as a parent…but really this is just a drop in the ocean. The flip side of the rudeness with my DD is lovely. She can be the kindest, happiest, most helpful child - just feels like it’s all a bit Jekyll and Hyde at the moment and I never know which version of DD I’m going to get on any given day 🤯

A bit general but limiting screen time in the week ay help, my 8 year old only gets iPad/switch at the weekends.

Does he watch things that are above his age range? At 8 he should just be watching CBBC, Disney etc, no films or games that are older/more aggressive etc.

Do you sit and talk together about feelings, empathy, respect etc. If he is rude can you sit and say "X it really upsets me when you talk like that, are you frustrated? Let's talk about it, because I want you to be able to talk without being cross, thats not how we talk to people".

Do you have opportunities to be really playful with him, be close with him, give him 1 to 1 attention?

It must be hard as a single mum of two, and to give him 1 to 1 attention, but unless he has a diagnosis of something (which you haven't mentioned). It sounds like he is angry/frustrated about something and I would want to know why. You will only get it out of him by chatting, relaxed and letting him open up.