To not want my children around a violent man?

[BigYellowElephant]

So my DSS (stepsister) had her children removed by social services last year. Was a huge shock to all of us as we'd had no idea there were issues. She's never told us what happened and doesnt want to talk about it - all we know was that she had been warned on numerous occasions never to leave the children alone with their dad and she did so. They were in the care of a family member (her side) for around 4 months and have now been returned to her care. Her mum has told us dad is "a psycho" and referred to domestic violence and also him being arrested for assault of someone outside the home. That's all we know.

So we've just had an invite to my nieces birthday at the end of the month. I asked DSS if dad would be there, and said if so we wouldn't make it but would plan a fun day out on another occasion (on me) to celebrate DNs birthday. She's absolutely hit the roof. Said I have no idea what's happened and need to stop sticking my nose in. I said that without knowing the full reasons for what happened, I didn't feel comfortable having my kids around him. She then said he's now allowed unsupervised contact anyway (first I've heard of it and no idea if true) so I need to leave the past in the past. She said she's not telling me anything and I'm a nosy parker. She's now not speaking to me.

We usually get on well so I'm a bit startled by this reaction. I think shes probably a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place but unless she's happy to give me more information, and it turns out dad isn't dangerous at all (seems unlikely) then on the limited info I have, he doesnt seem a safe person to have my children around. Just to be clear I'm not being nosy - I don't need to know anything if hes not going to be around my kids. AIBU?

@petalsandstars I've been thinking about that but I'd have to use her address as I don't know his new one. If she found out she really would think I'm a nosy Parker! And I actually don't need to know, I just don't want him around my kids and don't see any reason he needs to be, but she seems to disagree

She may not be putting her kids’ safety first but that didn’t mean you have to do the same. I’d politely decline and then reduce my contact with them.

No it wouldn't, which is why it is far more likely that she is lying about him having unsupervised access, isn't it?

Thank you @MissusMaisel I couldn't have fielded that level of handmaidening without attracting a ban.

Shes now saying he's allowed unsupervised access but brought that up mid argument so I'm not sure its true

Even if it is true, SS/family court systems have a very low bar for allowing violent & otherwise unsuitable fathers unfettered access to their DC, even in the face of vocal misgivings from the DC's mother.
So it hardly gives him the guaranteed seal of approval that some maliciously woman-doubting naive PP's are imagining.

You are completely reasonable. We don’t see MIL and her partner for the same reason. They are both violent drunks who hit each other and are completely in denial that there is a problem. We decided that DD doesn’t need to spend time with them until she is big enough to defend herself.

MIL is also a manipulative narcissist who like to make up things about people she doesn’t like. So best all round her my child not to be exposed to her.

Remember that toxic people don’t deserve your time, even if they are related to you. And you can save your child the heartache of having to cut themselves off from them later on life.

This.

It’s sad to see how 15% of posters think the OP should have her children around someone she isn’t sure is a safe, responsible person.

Are there really that many women out there who wouldn’t put their kids first in a situation like this?

And wouldn't you then very openly tell your sister about it? She and her dh sound dodgy. Good call op. She also needs to realise that when she hides dodgy stuff like this, people are not going to support her.

YADNBU.
If she brings it up again, tell her the offer of a day out on you (without the dad present obviously) still stands - if she doesn’t take you up on it immediately then make it an ongoing open invitation. She may eventually come to respect your point of view or she may need you in the future if her ex’s behavior gets worse again.
She’s in a difficult position. She will likely have to comply with whatever contact has been ordered by the family court. Minimizing whatever happened may be a coping mechanism. The cognitive dissonance of someone you love/once loved or someone important to your kids doing something most people consider unforgivable is very difficult for to live with.
Stand firm but don’t get drawn into discussions about it or speculate on what might have happened. Forgiveness and ´the past is the past’ is vastly overrated in my opinion.

She is the ops step sister not sister so no I probably wouldn’t tell my step sister! Depends on the relationship but they don’t sound close given that the op said her self she had no idea any of it was going on.

Or she convinced them she wouldn't have anything to do with him, they signed off and the first thing she did after they stepped back was let him back into her life, thinking that lying about it would mean nobody would say a word to SS.