To want some fun?

[MrsCornelius]

Hello all.
I live with my DH in an isolated rural area.
We work together from home, I don’t drive, and there’s no public transport, so we’re rarely apart.
We used to have a pretty wild social life, and both did separate walks/cycling etc, but over the last few years, because of Covid restrictions, lack of money and, recently, health reasons, we’ve gone out less and less.
We’re young grandparents who do childcare for grandkids most days. We’re both devoted to them, but DH is so devoted he won’t go out for an afternoon if it means missing them. This means that, apart from rare social outings, our only trips these days tend to be to shops.

Our work is seasonal. At the moment we’re snowed under with what, at our age, feels like hard physical labour-work, but that will change for a while in a couple of weeks - we’ll have more time and energy, plus a bit of spare cash, and I’m dying to do some fun stuff.
But DH seems completely uninterested. Maybe he’s just exhausted? The work’s been hard tbh.
Anyway, he seems satisfied with home life and grandkids, with little interest any more in friends, or in outings just with me, but I’m desperate to have a bit of fun.

Recently I’ve been a bit depressed, and I’ve noticed when I get out on my own - even for half an hour - I feel different, almost elated. I feel sort of ignored at home, as if I don’t exist. Keep thinking how much I’d love to spend a night away on my own.

Tonight, instead of broaching that with him (which felt scary - I was afraid he’d feel rejected), I decided I’d share my feelings of “all work and no play” and see if he’d talk about making time for us to do stuff like we used to, as a couple.
He didn’t like the suggestions I made, wouldn’t discuss it at all, said “not this again” and went into a strop that made things really uncomfortable for the rest of the evening.
I know maybe he’s just overtired, or maybe the workload and health issues are getting him down (they are getting me down), but I feel if I don’t stand up for myself on this I’m going to sink.
I rarely post personal stuff here, but am approaching end of tether.

Am I being unreasonable to want some regular, not just once in a blue moon, couple-time - that’s just for us to enjoy being out and about together? Or failing that, at least some me-time, independently, for me to do stuff that isn’t a) work, b) grandparenting or c) routine shopping/dinner/tv/bed?

Can anyone advise?🙏🏼

It sounds as if you need to spend more time apart! So you each have something new to bring to all the hours you spend together.

D’you mind my asking if there’s a physical / medical reason why you do not drive? Because without such a reason it seems unreasonable to choose to live in an isolated area without public transport and rely entirely on another person to take you anywhere you want to go. You clearly have an income of your own so presumably could carve out money for driving lessons.

If there is a good reason why you cannot drive and have access to a car then you should probably consider budgeting for a regular taxi service so you can come and go as you please, at least occasionally. This alone would hugely improve your life.

@TottersBlankly no medical reason, but it’s complicated. We planned the move for years, it was necessary for various complex reasons. I took driving lessons for 4 years and did 4 tests, the last one the day before we moved here. I failed them all and found the whole experience terribly stressful - I’ve had a lot of trauma and stress in my life which is partly/largely why we moved here, for peace and quiet.
We live on a tiny income so driving lessons, let alone taxis, would’ve been completely out of the question until last month. We have a bit more now, still not enough for taxis, but I feel utterly terrified at thought of lessons, which would need to be in foreign language (we live abroad) making it even more challenging. After 20 years it’s just not going to happen.
I’d like to move to somewhere less isolated, but for financial reasons we can’t.
🤷🏼‍♀️

Where are your girlfriends? We can't get all our needs met by men.

How did I know that would be your answer, OP?

(Rarely used.)

Can you say what you’re hoping for from this thread?

As I see it, you will have to make some change to your life if you want it to be more fun. What you describe is a situation where you have effectively cut off all avenues for relief or escape. I completely understand how that can happen, truly, but no amount of internet sympathy is going to improve your situation.

You need to achieve some level of independence. In terms of transport, seeing friends, looking to the future. Not wanting to be brutal - but what would you do if your husband died tomorrow? Never leave the house again? Depend on your grandchildren’s parents to provide a social life? What?

@DenholmElliot my girlfriends are scattered about, both here and abroad. No one lives within walking distance though.

@TottersBlankly yes, I know, you’re right about posting on internet not being a solution, but writing it down/sharing has helped me get my thoughts in order. I’ve had a think, and a chat with husband and with daughter (not for the first time with either).
I feel a bit clearer than I did, so thank you for your input. 🙏🏼

If you live rurally, can you get into cycling? No need for a driving licence or petrol, it makes anywhere within 10 miles accessible, and good for fitness.

Oh, I wasn’t suggesting you shouldn’t post! Not at all - problems are what MN is for.

But all too often when someone finds themselves in this sort of situation (and it’s not that uncommon, weirdly) they reject every single suggestion that requires them to make an actual change in their life. So it becomes hard for posters to discern just what the OP is hoping for.

Rather than a "heavy" conversation with your DH about how you're feeling down about this, what would he say if you suggested a nice meal out or trip to the cinema - in the evening, if that's less likely to interfere with seeing grandchildren?

I do agree with pp that learning to drive or moving to a less isolated area is the obvious solution.

From my experience of "homebody" personality types, your DH wouldn't feel rejected at all if you wanted to go away for a night by yourself, and would probably welcome it! But how would that work in practical terms if you can't get there?

Oh love, you need to do stuff without your husband.
And think really hard about whether you want to be living rurally, doing hard physical graft, with no money as you approach older age. And if not is there anything you can change?

Also, you can't let your DH get away with sulking if you mention this. He's behaving like a child and trying to shut you down. You need to have a proper conversation about this and try to reach a compromise solution (eg go out once a month?). He doesn't get to make a unilateral decision if you're miserable about something by behaving like an arse.

I’m in my 60’s and tbh this seems to be a common problem as men get older they become real homebodies. I often mention this on the relationship boards when women ask about dating someone older and usually get shot down for saying it.
Im lucky that I live near a town so can get out with friends.
As you are looking after grandchildren any chance you could have a regular evening out with your daughter or dil?

Thanks so much everybody, all the suggestions are really helpful. I ploughed through husbands sulking and we had a good chat in the end. It’s tricky as we really are stuck here for time being, for myriad reasons not just financial but also family commitments. However we ARE moving within 5 years, and DH has now agreed (was quite nice about it in the end 🙄) to make an effort to get out a bit with me from now on. Plus, I am finally getting over ill health, so will be able to start my exercise back up, which gets me out almost every day.
And now I have a best girlfriend coming to visit for a week soon.
So - I have made some progress already since yesterday, putting plans in place and organising things, and just generally thinking and talking it through.
All in all am feeling much more positive and less stuck.
Thanks so much everyone - sharing here and all your responses have been a big help. 🙏🏼

That's good to hear OP. Good luck!