To be annoyed that in-laws make us feel guilty for not spending time with them

[Merryclaire]

I like my in-laws and generally get on well with them. However I feel they regularly try to make DH feel guilty that we don’t spend enough time with them. I try to limit family days with them to one day a month (sometimes twice), and DH will separately see them once or twice a month on top of this. Bear in mind I have my own parents, siblings etc.
But this weekend they got upset because we didn’t accept their (last minute) invite to go and spend the day because we already had other plans. MIL cried, which made us both feel terrible.
However, being as we had enjoyed a quality day with them two weeks ago we felt we didn’t want to cancel our own plans for a romantic afternoon out to make them happy.
I understand they love their son, but I feel they need to accept we are adults with our own lives. They are both active and have other children that live nearby, so aren’t relying on us for anything at this stage.
Big occasions like Christmas can be difficult as they would be upset at not seeing us (whereas my parents are more laid back).
I wouldn’t mind so much if they planned things out a bit further in advance, but I hate it when we get last minute invites and are expected to attend.
AIBU or does anyone else struggle with this?

Yanbu

let your husband deal with all the communication though, they’re his parents

That is massively more time than I spend with my in-laws and your MIL crying is just plain ridiculous.

YANBU. Mine were a little like this in that we got a lot of grief for not moving back to where DH is from (his siblings have both stayed within a few minutes walk of MiL/PiLs house whereas we live 2.5 hours away). We used to travel to see them every 4 weeks - with two children and a dog and they never came here. All the moaning and snide comments about how far away we were/ how infrequently they see us just made me want to distance myself further to be honest. And like yours, their idea of planning is to message with less than 24 hours notice, or even to not tell us about family events at all and then complain that we didn't go! 😅🤷🏻‍♀️ Drives me scatty.

If you tell them you can't go as the invitation was too late notice, and they take that on board, will you be happy to go more often if given more advance warning? Or will you (as I would!) still not want to see them too often?
If MIL is crying (=manipulating), are there other issues/examples too? This does not sound like it would be an isolated incident of control.

MIL needs to get a grip. YADNBU

But this weekend they got upset because we didn’t accept their (last minute) invite to go and spend the day because we already had other plans. MIL cried, which made us both feel terrible.

That kind of behaviour is ridiculous and would make me want to spend as little time as I could with someone who was that manipulative.

I'd just calmly keep saying - we've already got plans, if there is a particular thing you want to do together then it's best to give us more notice, then change the subject. I wouldn't feel bad about it at all.

Ooof. This is seriously weird. Do not have children with this man until they back off and have better boundaries in place.

I dread to think how they would react if we moved away! But it’s oh so tempting…
I do feel bad complaining as there are a lot worse, and at least they care, but I don’t think just going to hang out at their house necessarily equates to quality time.
They really want to have everyone together (all their kids and grandkids) on a regular basis, and they haven’t been able to make that happen for a couple of months (which is perhaps the root of the tears). But no one else really wants that as it’s chaotic and there isn’t room for everyone.
But I do think if you want everyone together you need to book a date in a few weeks in advance.

YANBU

Really bad hurtful behaviour - making you feel guilty.

One day a month sounds very little to me but then I see my in laws most days. I grew up with a lot of family living on the same road and we saw my nan every day. Maybe your MIL is used to similar relationships and is hurt that you seem to want to keep her at arms length.

I understand your point - she did see her own parents more regularly when she was younger.
However she was a SAHM, whereas DH and I both work very busy jobs with long hours. Plus I have my own parents to fit in (also aim for once a month).
I often have to do work on weekends, so the thought of having to give over time to parents on more than two weekends a month just feels stressful to me, and would leave very little time for our own lives and friends etc.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. However, it might be possible for them to 'touch base' a bit more often if there were more flexibility in the arrangements. So not see them for a whole day but perhaps an evening meal or a pub lunch or something like that,

So less 'quality time' but more small meet ups.

You need to back away. Pandering to a crying adult is bloody cringeworthy.

I had the same with my former in-laws. They lived 4 hours away, so no lunch only type visits. Plus, as you say, over a month, when you also need to fit in a full time job, parties for kids to attend, mow the lawn, see your parents, paint the bathroom, fit in your mates, school shoe shopping etc, etc and have the odd weekend of fuck all, prioritising ILs over everything else was not an option. MIL cried and more than once accused me of 'grandparent alienation'.

Hold firm or you will run yourself ragged trying to please her and never please yourself.

Could you suggest to them that you have a standing arrangement for a big family get together say every two months on a Sunday? Then it's in the diary and you don't have all the last minute stress. I say you, but I mean get your DH to say it to them.