Exdh and town gossip - sexual misconduct!!

[Beyondbaffled]

Really don’t know what to think of this situation - split with ex last year, 2 DC. Relationship is strictly coparenting, and reasonably amicable although we’ve had our moments.

We live in a small town, gossip is standard and a few months ago I heard he had been removed from from a venue having being caught having sex in the toilets. I took this with a pinch of salt, although was embarrassed by association and obviously never asked him about it.

More local gossip has come to light that apparently he is being charged with ‘sexual misconduct.’ WTF?

I have no idea how true this is, and if it is true, if it relates to the previous supposed incident.

If true, this charge could relate to so many types of incident.

My only concern is for the DC - how on earth do I deal with this? I can’t ask him, he won’t tell me, obviously. I have no idea if it will even be published in the local papers?!

AIBU to want to know what on earth this is about?!

It would only be published I the local paper if he was prosecuted. I'm guessing consensual sex in a nightclub toilet? Very iffy but probably not too much of a crime. The police probably have a lot more pressing matters to deal with

From what I can understand if he's done anything that would put DCs at risk the police would inform you and likely involve social services.

I don't know if you can ask the police the,selves as it involves your childrens gather?

I'm sure someone more knowledgeable can confirm if I'm getting some information incorrect in what I understand.

If your worried about the gossip I'd just remind them that the only people who ever know the truth about things are people that are there - so ignore anyone but their dad and he'd tell them if there anything they needed to know.

Sorry you're going through this.

I’m not an expert, but if it was consensual sex in the toilets wouldn’t he be charged with public indecency? Sexual misconduct implies that it was not consensual. You need to speak to your exH to find out, although if it is the latter you are unlikely to get the truth.

I have to admit I didn’t even think about the fact that the police / social services would contact me if the DC were at risk - that reassures me somewhat.

Completely agree that while consensual sex in a club toilet is unsavoury it’s not a crime, and that’s what worries me.

Should have added that I was also told he was seen being unpleasantly hands on with women in a bar on a separate occasion. (All three supposed occurrences from separate sources I should add!)

A quick google of sexual misconduct says “Sexual misconduct is misconduct of a sexual nature which exists on a spectrum that may include a broad range of sexual behaviors considered unwelcome. This includes conduct considered inappropriate on an individual or societal basis of morality, sexual harassment and/or criminal sexual assault.”

Whether this is legally accurate, who knows?!

All added up its painting a really concerning picture.

Although my only real concern is for the DC I can’t help but be embarrassed/ saddened / disappointed that I spent so many years with someone like this.

Just ask him? It sounds sordid, grubby, offensive behaviour whatever it is.