Sick of the sight of my flatmates boyfriend

[sickofittttt]

I live with a friend who has BPD and she has always been very attached in relationships etc. She was single for a while and I really thought she’d worked on herself.

She met a guy 4 weeks ago and since then there’s been TWO NIGHTS where she’s been on her own. He’s been round every other single day and night. I have a boyfriend myself who is round twice a week (and when she was single she moaned he was round too much, she never sees me etc).
When she was single she was pretty much obsessed with me and demanded all my time, saying she wants to join in with me and my boyfriend etc. Now she has this boyfriend she couldn’t care less, doesn’t speak to me anymore.

The worst part is, my boyfriend speaks to her and is sociable. This new boyfriend doesn’t say a word, has made no effort with me and I just feel so bloody uncomfortable.

I’ve told her I will be moving out in June. Tbh I did not sign up for living with a couple and it’s really really grinding on me now. Do I bother saying something? I can’t bloody catch her alone.

Very selfish behaviour, you are making the right decision to move out.

I wouldn't say anything if you're moving out in June. Why make the situation even more uncomfortable for yourself? Grit your teeth and bare it for another few weeks and then breathe a sigh of relief once you're out.

I understand your point! It’s why I haven’t said anything yet. But it’s still a month and a half of feeling uncomfortable in my own flat, with a guy I don’t know, living with a couple which I didn’t sign up for :(

If you were sticking around I'd maybe say something but you're moving out in June. I'd suck it up for a few weeks and then move out, and wish them well in their mutual dysfunction.

Just hang on until you move. Creating more bad feelings will make it worse.

When does your lease end? Just terminate the lease asap and live with one of the other 8 billion people on this planet instead.

If she has BPD, she actually can't just change her way of relating to others, it's pretty much baked into her. I'm glad that she has done some work on herself, but that will take years of therapy, it's not something that can be sorted with a short course of counselling. Sorry that you are feeling uncomfortable, can you spend more time out of the flat now that the weather is improving?

Just end your lease and friendship early.

She sounds like a giant pain in the bum but no need to say anything. You’re moving out next month. No need to make a drama of it.

Why bother saying anything, just move out as soon as you are able to. If she is not talking to you at all, there could be something going on with her. It all sounds rather strange.

Not sure I understand the point about your boyfriend being sociable with her, why is that an issue?

I’m guessing it is to demonstrate that the OP’s boyfriend is friendly and inclusive whereas this new partner isn’t.

Sorry strange, I meant with me. He’s barely said 2 words to me even though I try to make conversation. It just makes me feel even more uncomfortable x

I remeber your previous thread about this and I'm glad your moving out.

For the sake of a few weeks just hide out in your room and ignore them.

He will probably have some kind of personality problem too. It sounds like they are clinging together. I think the best thing to do is to wish them well.

Can you stay over at your boyfriend's place for some of the remaining time? Or stay with friends and relatives, just so you have less time there before you go. It's unfair you'd have to do that but if you don't feel comfortable there then breaking up the time left might help.

Just wondering is there anything in your lease about people not named on said lease living there? 🤔

You’re moving out soon so for the sake of not all falling out dramatically or something I’d grit my teeth and just get through the next month

No point in saying anything, you're moving out.

I guess if she ever asks 'so what do you think of him' you could admit 'well he says bugger all to me even though I try to make conversation so it's hard to tell'.

Housemates' partners are one of the risks/annoyances that come with living in houseshares.

Your problem, or some variant of it, is nothing that zillions of people haven't encountered before. Just move out and vet potential housemates harder next time.

A pretty decent life rule is not to create confrontation and hostility when you don't need to. You don't need to tell her about herself. You don't have to fix her (and indeed you can't). Just move on and leave them to their own weirdness.

It’s the BPD, you (we) are judging her by social/relationships standards of someone without BPD.

you can ask her for some space, maybe suggest that there are some days/evening that he isn’t around? Suggest some leaving drinks for you two? Or if you plan to continue the friendship maybe the four of you?

Hmm, I might say something purely because I still have 6 weeks of him constantly being round and using our facilities. He was round again last night/this morning and we’re all battling for the shower in the morning.

How would this be, if I do?:

”sorry this is a sensitive one but I think we need to sort boundaries re X staying, obviously he’s your boyfriend and I don’t have a problem with him being there a fair amount BUT he’s been round every day bar 2 nights since the beginning of April. I’ve seen you once on your own in the last month. I feel a bit uncomfortable and like I’m lodging with a couple. I think with [my bf] being round 2/3 times a week (and me staying at his sometimes too) we either need to come to a compromise or he contributes to rent as at the moment he’s probably there more than me!
Let me know x”

You're moving out so I wouldn't bother as she will likely ignore anything you say