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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How many loving adults does your child have around them?

23 replies

Absentmindedwoman · 02/05/2022 21:29

Not sure if I'm phrasing correctly, I mean it's probably mainly family members for most but of course some people have wonderful mutually supportive set ups with close friends.

I want a child so badly but have fertility problems - and then sometimes wonder if it is the wrong thing to try to make happen anyway. Because my kid would not have a large and loving extended family close by. I worry that the childhood I could give them might be a bit lonely in that respect, or worry that if I have a child they will feel alone and isolated when I die.

How many close friends and family do you think is a good number in an ideal world?

OP posts:

hownowpurplecow · 02/05/2022 21:33

At the moment it’s just me & DH. We left London 6 months ago and don’t have a network in our area yet, although his family live 1.5 hours away and my parents are moving close to us soon, so then it will be us & his grandparents. He also has good relationships with his nursery key workers, and aunties who visit and FaceTime regularly and love him. I don’t think there is an ideal number, I think that you loving your child is most important & that you enrich their life by giving them love, security & activities / experiences to enjoy. Plenty of people live near family that they never see, I certainly wouldn’t let it put you off having a child if you really want to be a parent.

FilthyforFirth · 02/05/2022 21:35

Sorry you are having fertility issues. I think the most important thing is loving, engaged parents. All the rest are bonuses.

My children are extremely lucky that I come from a large and close family. But my best friend is my eldests godparent and she is super engaged with him too, so it's not all about blood relations.

Maydaysoonenough · 02/05/2022 21:36

They have me and dh. And their siblings. Nobody else whatsoever.. We don't even have any friends!.

BowlMovement · 02/05/2022 21:38

No one except parents for me and siblings when I was growing up. Honestly? I didn’t really know any different at the time, but now in my thirties I do reflect on it all (not a happy childhood) and think how lovely it would have been to have other adults to talk to. Seems to have made a real difference to others who had an unhappy time - the ones that had aunts and grandparents and family friends seemed to fare better. It doesn’t have to be family IMO.

sjxoxo · 02/05/2022 21:38

Me & DH and a few neighbours.. we have family but far away so we are quite independent day to day. He’s still very young (a few months) and do think we’ll miss family as he grows. He’ll be going to nursery at some point so im hoping it will make up for some of our isolated lives! X

Overthebow · 02/05/2022 21:42

Me, DH and our friends. Grandparents too but they don't live close, although they do make the effort to come and visit.

do you have a DP or DH? The most important thing is loving parents.

Smartiepants79 · 02/05/2022 21:44

The only question I would ask is who would take your child if something happened to you? If you are hospitalised or similar?
We are lucky to have several family members around us to step in if needed. Life would be very hard without them sometimes.
Im not saying don’t have a baby but maybe think about how you could start to build a support network or what your backup plans would be.

TheSillyMastiff · 02/05/2022 21:45

Oh gosh off the top of my head family wise there are 2 grandmother's, 2 uncles, 2 aunties, 5 cousins,

Close friend wise they have 2 married couples, one Bachelor.

Those are the people that of I die would step in to help DS in some shape or form 😳

CMOTDibbler · 02/05/2022 21:48

To be honest, me and DH. Ds does have some extended family but I couldn't say they were a loving part of his life, and he only has one grandparent left.
He's fine, but it was actually harder when he had 4 grandparents alive who weren't interested for various reasons - no one to fuss over a good school report or to phone/ write to about some small achievement that only a grandparent would appreciate. I think as long as there is someone in their life, even if that person is only available by Facetime, who will be genuinely excited when they get their pet care badge, you are doing good.

BogRollBOGOF · 02/05/2022 21:56

Me, DH, and DS1 & DS2's godmothers.

Family is more distant geographically.

Thursday37 · 02/05/2022 22:08

How close by?
It’s me and DH locally, my parents are about 1.5hrs away and we see them twice a month on average. DD is an only child.

MIL lives abroad. FIL is local but completely absent and only loves himself (we are almost completely NC with him). My brother and his partner aren’t local and we only see them
occasionally. DH’s siblings are abroad and NC (long story).

We do have good friends and some other extended family but they are not local at all. But DD is secure and happy and our unit is enough.

stormsurfer · 02/05/2022 22:12

1- me!

ResentfulLemon · 02/05/2022 22:13

My children have 2 (out of 8) aunties who love them dearly and would go to prison to protect them and 2 grandparents who are loving but firm but none live locally.

Then I'm lucky to have 3 incredible friends who balance out against all the crazy from our families. They have the perfect mix of open minds, creative thought and practical sensibility. In all honesty it's my friends who have the larger influence on my children. They're my tribe and I'm theirs.

ResentfulLemon · 02/05/2022 22:14

And my husband and I forgot about us!

Kite22 · 02/05/2022 22:21

Sorry you are having fertility issues. I think the most important thing is loving, engaged parents. All the rest are bonuses.

This.
You really are overthinking things.

have {having} a large and loving extended family close by
is not a pre-requisite for a happy childhood

I worry that the childhood I could give them might be a bit lonely in that respect,
You can take them along to things. My 'communities' are from things I joined / belong to, and then, as they got older, things the dc joined / belonged to.

or worry that if I have a child they will feel alone and isolated when I die
More than likely at that point, your child(ren) will have their own family, and their own friends and their own community.

TimeForGouter · 02/05/2022 22:22

Before my oldest was born - just me and DH close by. (The kids have very loving grandparents, aunts and uncles, but they are all far away, as are our old friends as we moved somewhere new shortly before having DC.)

Since my oldest was born I have gained some wonderful Mum friends who would, and have, looked after and loved my DC with absolute tenderness and care. Also, my older 2 children (ages 6 and 8) have made wonderful friends, and I consider those kids' parents part of my kids' 'village' just as I hope our family is for them in return.

All that said I so wish our actual family were closer. And, like a PP, I grew up with my own relatives far away and life did feel poorer for it, especially when I then went on to have one parent die and another end up in hospital for a long time. Don't let it stop you having children, but I would urge you to build up a supportive network of friends when you do have the baby because it will be incredibly important for you as well as for your DC.

KarmaComma · 02/05/2022 22:40

Me and DH. Don't have any family in this country. I'm really grateful that I've got a FIL and SMIL (is that a thing? FILs wife) who, despite living in another country, make a real effort to keep a relationship with my kids. We can go a year without seeing them in person, but they are probably the only people who really know my kids well enough to look after them if something happened to me and DH.

TheHateIsNotGood · 02/05/2022 22:49

lollipoprainbow · 03/05/2022 08:08

When my dd was born 10 years we had family close by, in the last few years we have lost my sister (my dd's lovely auntie), my mum (still here but ravaged by dementia), her lovely grandpa. So just me and her dad and my brother. I thought she would have a lot of family around but life had other plans.

PumpkinsandKittens · 03/05/2022 08:13

Just me,
lone parent, no family, honestly I regret having children as I feel so awful that they have no one.

Deliaskis · 03/05/2022 08:20

We are lucky that we have both sets of grandparents nearby, and they've always been involved with DD's life, but we also have a lovely network of friends, some of whom are mine and DH's friends who've also had kids and some are parents of DD's friends. So we do have a lot, but the point is that the friends network is something we have created. You can't magic up close and loving family members, but you can take your child to things, engage with their activities, and invite their friends and families into your lives.

We have stayed in the village where DH and I both grew up, but in DD's class there is only one other 'local' family who have grandparents nearby. The rest have moved here and have still managed to create networks of friends so their kids know who is looking out for them. DD is an only child but so are about 1/3 of her class and we are never short of company if we want to invite a friend on a day out or now they're older, even away for the weekend.

The important thing is loving parents and a home where they feel comfortable and secure. The rest, the networks, you can choose to build those when the time is right. Some of it takes effort, but only at the beginning.

ChoiceMummy · 03/05/2022 08:28

@Absentmindedwoman
I'm a mother by choice having used donor sperm.

Now, part of my factors, when considering this path, I was that I do have a large family, siblings, parents etc. As I obviously don't have a partner.

Now, as I only have 1 child, there have been moments of guilt about that, though I know that managing my child's additional needs this was best.

I've also realised that though we have a large family, they have their own lives as well. But I do take comfort from knowing that if anything happened to me, my child would be "OK", well loved etc.

JessicaBrassica · 03/05/2022 08:51

Our kids have us. One grandparent 4 hrs away. Aunt and uncle 4 hours away. But they have probably 5 families of close friends locally who they could go to if they were in trouble or needed anything - as their kids could come here.

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