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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still invite my friend?

22 replies

PickANumber1210 · 02/05/2022 19:35

Bit of a long story... My husband's has a best friend who is basically like his brother. DH isn't close to his family and has known this friend since they were young, he's very close with his parents and they are basically like family. I'm good friends with him now too, he's a lovely guy, kids call him uncle X that sort of thing.

For the sake of the thread I'll call DHs friend Mark.

I am good friends with Mark's ex girlfriend from some years ago. Things fizzled out between them but they still occasionally got together or went out with us as a foursome until Mark met his now wife. When they met, Mark and his ex were in a FWB type situation and both were happy to leave it as just friends once he met his now wife.

My friend, Marks ex, has moved way on from this and would be more than happy to just be friendly but Marks wife is completely against any contact between them (made him block her on everything, not allowed out when she's there that sort of thing). His wife barely interacts with me either because she knows I'm close with his ex.

Anyway... Me and DH are having a party soon for our anniversary and Mark's wife is having a tantrum because I've invited his ex. Usually he'd be told not to go but I don't think that will wash this time as it's a big do for DH and I and he will feel like he can't miss it.

DH has made a comment that I should make it easier for Mark by not inviting his ex so his wife will feel better about him coming (she won't come if his ex does but tbh I don't really care if she comes or not I'm sick to death of all of this).

AIBU to say no, I'm inviting my friend and Mark's wife needs to grow up and if that means Mark doesn't come because he's decided to agree to orders not to then that's between him and his wife?

Just to add I've always tried to be friendly with his wife, I've never once been closed off to her because of my friendship with his ex. She's always been invited to things. She just can't stand the fact that she's around a lot at things like this because I'm friends with her and I'm not just going to end a friendship with someone I like because she can't be more mature about it.

OP posts:

LoudingVoice · 02/05/2022 19:38

You can invite whoever you like to your own party, his wife needs to accept he had a life before they met.

lunar1 · 02/05/2022 19:40

Invite your friend, if the wife doesn't like it she can stay home.

Ikeptgoing · 02/05/2022 19:45

LoudingVoice · 02/05/2022 19:38

You can invite whoever you like to your own party, his wife needs to accept he had a life before they met.

This ^^

DHs friends wife doesn't get to veto one of your friends coming to your anniversary party because she doesn't like that her DH once dated her. Nor does your DH. They're all adults.

Original poster

PickANumber1210 · 02/05/2022 19:47

Ikeptgoing · 02/05/2022 19:45

This ^^

DHs friends wife doesn't get to veto one of your friends coming to your anniversary party because she doesn't like that her DH once dated her. Nor does your DH. They're all adults.

Show quote history

Thank you!

Christ I'm not saying they have to braid each others hair or anything but come on? Get over it now!

The annoying thing is my friend and Mark would still get on really well as friends at these events if it weren't for his wife making everything awkward.

OP posts:

Divaship · 02/05/2022 19:48

Invite your friend for goodness sake, you were friends with her first and this is Mark's wife's personal vendetta- she sounds unreasonable and rather controlling. She is the only one with an issue so this is on her, Mark and his ex cannot control what has happened in the past and presuming nothing between them has occurred since and everything is purely platonic. Put your friend first, imagine how you would feel if you were in your friend's position for that reason and not invited. If you exclude your friend this will set precedence for future events and will drive a wedge between you and someone who has actually been a good friend for you for years rather than someone you're not even close to!

FIZZYTEDDY · 02/05/2022 19:48

I'm in two minds

If it's a big do for your husband and he is closer to Mark than your friend (marks old flame) because it's his night and his friend, I would be inclined to leave your friend "the ex" out of the picture for your husbands sake.

Yes I think Marks wife needs to grow up a bit but I also think there's always two sides to a story, it makes me wonder is old flame still a bit flirty? The FWB back in the day might remind Marks wife that "things weren't over between them when they actually broke up" kind of thing? Or was there once an overlap?

Totally get why you'd be fed up with this situation, as it's not really your problem and you're thinking you'll invite who you want.

I don't love exes of my husband being in social settings, I can get over it but sometimes there might be more to it.

Merryoldgoat · 02/05/2022 19:48

Mark needs to deal with this - he’s allowed this nonsense.

people who can’t cope with partners having exes are a massive warning flag for me.

Merryoldgoat · 02/05/2022 19:50

If it's a big do for your husband

it’s their anniversary so surely both friends should be treated equally?

TolkiensFallow · 02/05/2022 19:53

Invite all the people you would like to come and let them decide if they want to. It’s not your problem.

Poppins2016 · 02/05/2022 19:54

I'm part of a friendship group where a few people had relationships with others in the group before settling down with their long term partners. Everyone accepts past history for what it is and has a mature attitude to friendships... which is as it should be! I don't think you should limit who you invite, it's up to the attendees how they behave/whether they come.

Original poster

PickANumber1210 · 02/05/2022 19:54

It's our anniversary party. Admittedly my husband is closer to Mark than I am to my friend, his ex (because they are like family!). But she is still a very good friend.

That I know of there was no overlap. I believe they still spoke in a friendly way from time to time afterwards until his now wife made him block her.

OP posts:

Mumoftwoinprimary · 02/05/2022 19:55

Number one rule of parenting…..

Never ever reward behaviour that you wish to discourage!

FIZZYTEDDY · 02/05/2022 19:59

@PickANumber1210 @Merryoldgoat

Apologies I missed the anniversary part. Yes a celebration for you both!

gettingolderandgrumpy · 02/05/2022 20:00

What puzzles me when you hear about partners who hate their dh to have any contact with a ex is what does she think will happen ?. Does she think he’ll see her not able to help himself and jump into bed immediately. I mean come on if he’s going to cheat he could cheat on anyone. It’s very immature that you just because you were in a sexual relationship once you are happy to jump into bed again . He married her so if wanted to be with ex he could’ve. Sounds like she’s very insecure and I really can’t be arsed with that so yes I’d invite friend and what she and Mark chooses to do or not is up to them . Personally I doubt the marriage lasting as this is obviously a deep rooted problem for her .

StageRage · 02/05/2022 20:12

The problem is being caused by the wife.

Why should other people be inconvenienced by her pathetic behaviour? And Mark is being wet for pandering to it.

HeddaGarbled · 02/05/2022 20:17

The wife’s got good boundaries. “FWB” is such bollocks in this situation. One or both of them were not being entirely honest.

StageRage · 02/05/2022 20:23

HeddaGarbled · 02/05/2022 20:17

The wife’s got good boundaries. “FWB” is such bollocks in this situation. One or both of them were not being entirely honest.

Why?

Bollocks or not Mark stopped sleeping with his ex when he met his wife.

HeddaGarbled · 02/05/2022 20:29

Bollocks or not Mark stopped sleeping with his ex when he met his wife

So there was overlap really, wasn’t there. And yet they still want to be “friends”.

Would any of you genuinely be comfortable with that?

StageRage · 02/05/2022 20:36

No evidence of an overlap.

And if I wasn’t comfortable with Mark having contact in case something happened, I wouldn’t be happy with the relationship at all.

Either you trust your partner or you don’t.
Either your partner is trustworthy or they aren’t.

If you don’t trust them and / or they aren’t trustworthy, the relationship cannot be held together by policing ‘boundaries’.

2pinkginsplease · 02/05/2022 20:39

Marks wife needs to grow up and accept that Mark has a past.
Invite who you want to invite.

CormoranStrike · 02/05/2022 20:42

You invite who you like - it is not a court summons, those who don’t want to accept your invitation don’t have to.

Ikeptgoing · 07/05/2022 14:44

The irony of this isn't being lost!

OP and her DH are having a party to celebrate a big anniversary of their wonderful marriage, inviting their own close friends and family. This is OPs good friend & she is naturally invited

To have a successful marriage it's about spouses having respect for each other as individuals as well as partners in love. OP and DH have this.

BUT In the mix of this DHs best friend's wife - whose anniversary party it isn't!!- is trying to pressure her own DH to interfere in (his best friend's marriage and party, to demand that his wife isn't allowed her own friend at their own anniversary party.

All because that woman's DH had a life before he met his wife and happens to have once dated OPs good friend. (And it didn't end badly as they would still be on friendly terms if it wasn't for this woman )

Her insecurity has absolutely nothing to do with OP and DH's wishes for who they want to share their celebration of their marriage with.
Whose party and anniversary is it?!

Guests don't get to veto other guests at someone else's party nor do they get to disrespect the choices OP and DH make about their own friends or the foundations of their successful marriage.

DHs friend's wife absolutely can choose not to attend if she doesn't want to - but if she insists on overstepping or trying to nix her own DHs attendance at his best friend's celebration, she is entirely unreasonable and controlling.

Flip