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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and sleeping baby

17 replies

silverlinings9 · 02/05/2022 10:20

Am I going crazy? Or is this just a normal way to act? For the third time now MIL has bothered DS while he's asleep/trying to sleep during one of our visits, I don't 100% know if she is intentionally trying to wake him but it's always when DH is out of the room.

The first time was me trying to settle DS when he was a few months old, he was making cooing noises as he fell asleep and she came and shook his rattle in his face.

The second time was immediately after the first, once he had fully fallen asleep she came to stroke and kiss him and I told her sharply to not wake him.

Then again yesterday he was asleep and she came over and pinched him (gently, as if it were a stroke on his leg, but definitely a pinching motion)! I asked why she did that, she said he was "so cute" so I told her again not to wake him.

She disapproves of him sleeping on me (whole other thread), so I think it's a thinly veiled attempt to wake him so I put him down. But at their house, he doesn't have a place to sleep!

WIBU to say that if it happens again visits will only be in between naps, and once he starts getting tired we will leave?

They've really upset DH recently for other reasons and I'm trying to keep the peace and stop him from overreacting (don't really want to go into it here), so I don't intend to go in all guns blazing. We only see them about once every 4/5 weeks (their choice) so it's not something that happens often.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 02/05/2022 10:22

Give her a job to do, ask for a cup of tea. She’s sound me over enthusiastic. Busy her up

Shoxfordian · 02/05/2022 10:23

If they’ve upset your husband then it’s not your job to keep the peace, don’t bother seeing them and let him arrange it

WildCoasts · 02/05/2022 10:23

You need to put your foot down with your MIL. "Don't wake the baby." "Leave him alone when he is sleeping." She pinched him? That's horrible. How would she like to be pinched, or pinched awake? You are your baby's advocate and need too nip this in the bud now. She needs to learn you are the parents or it's going to get worse, most likely.

Original poster
silverlinings9 · 02/05/2022 10:23

Freddiefox · 02/05/2022 10:22

Give her a job to do, ask for a cup of tea. She’s sound me over enthusiastic. Busy her up

She was in the middle of making dinner yesterday when she came over, I don't know what else I could have asked her to do.

OP posts:
VerifiedBot2351 · 02/05/2022 10:25

You need to tell her firmly with no subtlety or beating around the bush. And why not take the Moses basket with you? Or put him to sleep in the car seat when you are there?

Original poster
silverlinings9 · 02/05/2022 10:28

WildCoasts · 02/05/2022 10:23

You need to put your foot down with your MIL. "Don't wake the baby." "Leave him alone when he is sleeping." She pinched him? That's horrible. How would she like to be pinched, or pinched awake? You are your baby's advocate and need too nip this in the bud now. She needs to learn you are the parents or it's going to get worse, most likely.

I will stress that I have told her not to wake the baby and feel in control of him when she is around. The issue is that she doesn't like the lack of control (longstanding issue between DH/PIL) and I think does this to provoke a reaction where i snap at her (i haven't done this) , which is why I'm wondering whether we give her an ultimatum - if she tries to wake DS, he doesn't sleep at their house

OP posts:
ComDummings · 02/05/2022 10:29

If she tries it another time and DH is out of the room tell her to fuck off. Can’t stand people who wake sleeping babies, the height of selfishness.

WildCoasts · 02/05/2022 10:36

silverlinings9 · 02/05/2022 10:28

I will stress that I have told her not to wake the baby and feel in control of him when she is around. The issue is that she doesn't like the lack of control (longstanding issue between DH/PIL) and I think does this to provoke a reaction where i snap at her (i haven't done this) , which is why I'm wondering whether we give her an ultimatum - if she tries to wake DS, he doesn't sleep at their house

Show quote history

Short visits between naps seems like a reasonable option. If she complains, tell her why.

I understand the MIL that wants to be in control. I have one of those. She's the grandma and no-one will tell her what she can and can't do with HER grandchildren! Haven't seen her in years.

Freddiefox · 02/05/2022 11:23

silverlinings9 · 02/05/2022 10:23

She was in the middle of making dinner yesterday when she came over, I don't know what else I could have asked her to do.

Show quote history

be direct,.. ask her.. why are you pinching him? Don’t think anyone likes to be pinched? Do you pinched dh when he was little?

Calphurnia88 · 02/05/2022 12:18

I'm having issues getting newborn DC to sleep during the day, which is causing them to be overtired on an evening - cue restlessness, crying, thrashing - all of which lead to a bad night's sleep for DC and me. This is defintely worse when we've had visitors who insist on cuddles and interaction (baby voices, singing) the whole time.

It was hard at the beginning to say no, but the approach I am trying to take now is to consider myself as the guardian of my DC's basic needs, as well as my own. Yes cuddles with DGP/Auntie/Uncle/friend are nice (mainly for the adult), but they're not a fundamental need for DC, unlike food/sleep etc. With that mindset I've been able to be more forthright with families and friends without bringing any emotion into it.

So in your scenario I would say to MIL 'we want to make sure DC is getting enough sleep to help his development, so we don't interfere with him when he's sleeping as it him wakes up and it's hard to get him back down.' I don't think it's unreasonable to say you'll schedule visits based on nap times if she continues to ignore this.

LightningAndRainbows · 02/05/2022 12:20

Pinch her and tell her to never come round again

LightningAndRainbows · 02/05/2022 12:22

Freddiefox · 02/05/2022 11:23

be direct,.. ask her.. why are you pinching him? Don’t think anyone likes to be pinched? Do you pinched dh when he was little?

Show quote history

This might be a better idea than mine tbh. You sound quite strong so hopefully you can just ask her calmly why.

Laiste · 02/05/2022 12:26

Visit between naps only.

She'll know damn well why if you've already had to ask her to leave him alone while he's asleep.

If she's got the brass neck to test you and ask why, tell her simply and straight. Like you would a child.
''I like DS to have his nap time in peace MIL and you seem to always try to wake him up so visits will be around nap times from now on''.

Expect huffing and puffing but let it roll over you.

LuaDipa · 02/05/2022 12:27

silverlinings9 · 02/05/2022 10:28

I will stress that I have told her not to wake the baby and feel in control of him when she is around. The issue is that she doesn't like the lack of control (longstanding issue between DH/PIL) and I think does this to provoke a reaction where i snap at her (i haven't done this) , which is why I'm wondering whether we give her an ultimatum - if she tries to wake DS, he doesn't sleep at their house

Show quote history

I wouldn’t bother with the ultimatum, it will only give her ammunition - you’ve already said that she’s trying to provoke a reaction so don’t give her the satisfaction. Just stop going when dc is tired. If he gets sleepy take him home - tell her you’re taking her excellent advice about him not sleeping on you so of course he needs to be in his cot.

Calphurnia88 · 02/05/2022 12:33

@silverlinings9 if there's nowhere for him to sleep at hers, and she doesn't approve of him sleeping on you, where is she expecting him to sleep? On her? Or not at all?

It sounds like she needs reminding how important sleep is for young babies (more important than cuddles with DGM... Which I'm assuming is why she keeps trying to wake him).

DonnyBurrito · 02/05/2022 13:12

She sounds super annoying. However, as you visit them so infrequently, I don't think it'd be worth bringing it up. Just do it, without mentioning it. Keep your stress to a minimum, it could become a big falling out if she is a bit unhinged and hasn't been taking her HRT 😬

It sounds like it may be part of the wider issue of her challenging your parenting, which is infuriating, my MIL did this too. I decided to put my foot down with mine and it didn't go well. We don't speak now at all. I'm actually happier for it, but it was all very stressful during actual falling out and that was time and energy that would have been better spent on my son.

Original poster
silverlinings9 · 02/05/2022 16:31

if there's nowhere for him to sleep at hers, and she doesn't approve of him sleeping on you, where is she expecting him to sleep? On her? Or not at all

I think it's one of those issues where the more important thing to the "judger" is to judge, rather than provide solutions or understanding. Both my DM and MIL are martyrs and expect me to be as well, so anything that I do to make my life easier is met with confusion (DM can't understand why we have a cleaner, for example, and has no interest in listening to me talk about why).

I don't allow them to change my behaviours and can call my mum out without worrying about consequences, but PIL are highly strung and vindictive, as well as massive gossips, so we are careful about how we approach things with them.

OP posts:
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