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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bridesmaid Stress

15 replies

starynight21 · 02/05/2022 09:21

I am a bridesmaid for my friend who is getting married in October. When she first asked me I was so excited but, it has become a full time job.

From planning the hen, paying for everything myself (dress, shoes, make up, hair, accommodation etc) what’s app groups that ping everyday and generally just feeling consumed by it all, I am at breaking point.

I do have mental health issues and struggle with anxiety when felt out under pressure. My friend is very close to me and I love her but, this is all a bit to much. The hardest part is trying to agree and arrange the hen between a group or girls of different age ranges and personalities.

With the wedding months away I am going to be living in this bubble until then. I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for coping and not letting it all get to me. I want to sign off like you do from work from time to time and not think about it but as I struggle with my mental health, I am someone who worries and over thinks things.

Please help and thanks

OP posts:
Chica10 · 02/05/2022 09:32

Could you not speak with your friend and explain how you are feeling? Maybe she could get some one else to organise the hen? You are unfairly expected to spend a fortune on her wedding whilst trying to organise her hen do which is causing you unnecessary stress. It’s unfair. Talk to her.

Cakecakecheese · 02/05/2022 10:08

Yep tell her you're struggling. A true friend will understand and get other people to help. If she kicks off then you would be justified in quitting the whole thing.

HeadToToesNo · 02/05/2022 10:13
  • Don't give the hen group too many options. Tell them what's planned and if they don't like it they can opt out.
  • arrange and book stuff when you feel up to it, and then mute the conversation. Go and check it periodically, but don't have it constantly pinging in the background.
  • Get ALL payments up front before the event.
  • If the bride is making you pay for your dress, make up etc you are absolutely within your rights to speak up and say no to any of it.
  • Do not spend more than you can afford, it's her wedding, not yours and do not put yourself in debt for her party.
  • if you feel OK about it, speak to the bride. If not, see if you can recruit another bridesmaid or hen attendee to help you get it all organised and booked.
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 02/05/2022 10:22

HeadToToesNo · 02/05/2022 10:13

  • Don't give the hen group too many options. Tell them what's planned and if they don't like it they can opt out.
  • arrange and book stuff when you feel up to it, and then mute the conversation. Go and check it periodically, but don't have it constantly pinging in the background.
  • Get ALL payments up front before the event.
  • If the bride is making you pay for your dress, make up etc you are absolutely within your rights to speak up and say no to any of it.
  • Do not spend more than you can afford, it's her wedding, not yours and do not put yourself in debt for her party.
  • if you feel OK about it, speak to the bride. If not, see if you can recruit another bridesmaid or hen attendee to help you get it all organised and booked.

Yes yes YES to all of this, especially muting the conversation and only checking in when you feel up to it. And definitely get all the money up front, be clear about when you need it for and that anyone who hasn't sent it by then won't be booked for.

Chica10 · 02/05/2022 10:24

HeadToToesNo · 02/05/2022 10:13

  • Don't give the hen group too many options. Tell them what's planned and if they don't like it they can opt out.
  • arrange and book stuff when you feel up to it, and then mute the conversation. Go and check it periodically, but don't have it constantly pinging in the background.
  • Get ALL payments up front before the event.
  • If the bride is making you pay for your dress, make up etc you are absolutely within your rights to speak up and say no to any of it.
  • Do not spend more than you can afford, it's her wedding, not yours and do not put yourself in debt for her party.
  • if you feel OK about it, speak to the bride. If not, see if you can recruit another bridesmaid or hen attendee to help you get it all organised and booked.

This 100%! Do not put your self in debt for your friends “big day”.

Moonflower12 · 02/05/2022 10:27

Definitely don't give too many options.
The date for the hen is ....
The venue is ....etc.
If people can't make it they can't make it.

I'm getting married in August. I would hate for my bridesmaids to feel like you are, so speak to your friend.
I am shocked that it is now a thing to get bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses etc.
I am only having a little flower girl- who desperately wants the role- but I'm paying for all her stuff. ( Not that there's much!)

Lollypop701 · 02/05/2022 10:28

I find setting date and options for hen do, then asking everyone to book themselves on worked best. You are then not responsible for this aspect

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/05/2022 10:38

Agree with the above. Not 'where do we want to eat', just say 'we are eating here at 7', or if you're feeling generous you can set up a survey monkey and give two choices of food, activity etc. and people can choose between them anonymously. Also make sure you do not under any circumstances pay out any of your own money and then collect from others. They pay first and if they haven't paid then they're not booked on.

Also I think your friend is being a bit shit. If you can't afford to pay for your bridesmaids then you don't get to demand they do their makeup a certain way or have their hair a certain way. Would you feel able to tell her what you can't afford hair and make up and will do it yourself or something if that's stressing you out?

Original poster
starynight21 · 02/05/2022 11:16

Thanks for all your supportive advice.

talking to her wouldn’t go down well as she is so self centred around her wedding. There was even issues with another bridesmaid and based on the way she reacted, I wouldn’t dare say anything.

As for the costs it’s just the way it is done in her circle etc if this makes sense. There is so much being put on me as someone said about specifics about hair and make up. I just think the wedding is ages away, so do we really need to talk about hair now in details.

I would rather just not be a bridesmaid but that would be a friendship over I think. I am just super tired. My little girls 10th birthday is even the same weekend as the hen night and my mums birthday is right before the wedding but all these activities is making it that I can’t afford to celebrate the other things in my life.

I am definitely going to mute the what’s app group though.

OP posts:
Chica10 · 02/05/2022 12:16

Your friend is a bridezilla. Wouldn’t dream of making my friends feel this way because of my own wedding, not being approachable because I am so wrapped up in myself and my grand wedding production. Why do people behave like this?

DirectionToPerfection · 02/05/2022 12:22

You can't go on like this OP. Talk to her and if it goes badly so be it, at least you're off the hook. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

It's outrageous that she expects you to pay for you dress, hair, etc. That is absolutely on the bride to cover.

olympicsrock · 02/05/2022 12:22

ask on the WhatsApp group if someone else can take over the Hen do arrangements. When they accept , mute the conversation.
Tell your friend that you are struggling with your mental health and have had to pass the buck as it was making you feel anxious.
there is no need to talk hair and and makeup either at this point , once the dresses are sorted you can absent yourself from the chat.

Maireas · 02/05/2022 12:44

Your phrase "daren't say anything" is a red flag. You're giving too much, emotionally and financially and it's another six months away.
You need to talk to her or just step aside as bridesmaid.
It sounds like an additional full time, unpaid job, doesn't it?

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 02/05/2022 14:40

The hen weekend classes with your daughter's birthday? I'd not be going in your shoes. Fuck that 🤷‍♀️

Herecomestreble1 · 02/05/2022 15:04

The best thing I ever did when I planned my friend's hen was ask for x amount from everyone and then once I had it, I then booked everything from that one pot. Hens had some say in the dates but in terms of what we did, the timetable, the taxis, drinks, accomodation etc I sorted and did not give them any input at all. Was the most stress-free way to do it.

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