AIBU to step back from my girlfriend after her admitting she is thinking of leaving the relationship?

[Wheretogo113]

Hi, I really would like some advice please to whether I'm being heartless and unreasonable.
I have been in a same sex relationship for almost 3 years, and whilst it hasn't always been easy due to us both having mental health issues from past trauma, we were both 100% committed to building a life together.
Anyway, in the middle of a row last night, I asked her if she had began to think about us separating, and she admitted that she had. I was very hurt and she immediately started to backtrack.

We have spent all this morning talking, and she has admitted that the last few months, since beginning therapy, she has realised that she cannot be herself in our relationship, and that if she cannot change this, then she would rather walk away in the long term as life is to short, and she would be better off remaining single.
This is a problem she has had in all her relationships, and life in general, but this has really shaken me and I feel like all the grounding I had in the relationship has been ripped away.
I feel like I have spent 3 years in a relationship where I grew to love this person and have heard her repeatedly say to me how happy I make her and that she could never imagine her life without me, and now I feel like that was all lies.

She is very upset because I have told her how hurt I am, and that I feel I need space from the relationship whilst she decides what she wants. She has told me that she needs my support with this to help her change and become the person that she wants to be in order for her feel that she can stay in the relationship.
I am angry, and right now cannot give her that support, knowing that she has one foot out the door.
She is adamant that it is a good thing that she has recognised that she needs to change, but can't see why I am so hurt that our relationship may be thrown out the window in order for her to achieve this. She can't see how that has ripped away so much of the security that I felt with us.

It would be one thing to come to me and tell me how she wants to change stuff about herself as she is struggling, but that it has no bearing on our relationship, but quite another to tell me that if she can't change than she feels like she wants to leave and be by herself.
I understand that she must do what she needs to, even though losing her would hurt like hell, but am I heartless and unreasonable to need to step back to protect my own heart now that I know our relationship is out the door if she can't change and be more happy in her own skin in a relationship?

I would really appreciate some gentle but honest advice please

You need two ro want and choose to be in a relationship. They shouldn't be hard work 3 years in. Best to end it, there will be others out there who you're norw compatible with.

That must have really hurt to hear that.
its really difficult because she must be finding out/working through lots of things in therapy, and now she's recognised she wants/needs to change. But that leaves you in limbo until she does.

I would be questioning actually if I wanted to stay with her, she's told you she's unhappy, she needs to change and wants your support with that, all whilst saying she's not sure at the end of it, if there is a relationship that she wants to stay in. She is putting a lot of pressure on you and I don't think that's fair. Shes also giving herself a very easy out, if you don't support her to change then she can pin blame your way for her not succeeding and then ultimately leaving.

I think anyone working through things at therapy should be congratulated as it's really hard work, but with that comes responsibility to own your actions.

Id absolutely step back right now, and would consider leaving the relationship myself.

Can u step away for a set time? With an agreement to talk again in say 3 months when some more mental work has been done? U do need to protect yourself. If someone can’t be themselves then there will always be friction

I think if you step back then it’s game over. She won’t feel supported and this will help her make her mind up. If you can talk and find out what changes she wants, you can then decide if they’re acceptable or not and if so stay and be that supportive partner and the relationship may work. Would couples therapy be an option?

I am worried that stepping back will will mean the end of the relationship, but I think what the previous poster said has summed it up for me. She wants my support to change, but isn't even sure if there will be a relationship at the end of it. I feel like the carpet has been ripped from under my feet and it has changed things enormously for me.
I know I am still in shock and reeling, so may not make the best decisions right now, which is why I'm looking for advice, as I don't want to speak to anyone in real life about how to respond.
Last night it was left that we would speak once a week whilst she decided what she wants, which she was very upset about, but I feel like I have gone into panic mode and need to protect my own feelings

It sounds like you feel she's asking too much from you. You are to live in relationship future limbo until she gets to where she wants to be, at which point you may or may not like the person she has become, and she may or may not still want to be with you. I'm not surprised you feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath you.

It's OK to say that you're not prepared to put your own emotions and need on hold to support her personal growth. Especially with the risk that it might end up with you splitting up anyway.

There is also an argument to be made that if she feels she needs to change and work on herself, then by definition that's something she needs to do herself, she can't expect you to do that for her. It sounds like she needs to spend some time alone focusing on herself.