AIBU to be angry?

[Anotherwoman]

6 months ago my husband died suddenly. Naturally I'm devastated and really struggling with grief so soon after his death. This month is going to be especially difficult as it would have been our 30th anniversary.
I've just had a call from my parents to say they are going to organise a family meal to celebrate their own anniversary next month. They have NEVER celebrated a wedding anniversary before because the years didn't 'add up'. This year they'll have been married 55yrs and I'm 58. I got upset when dad told me and heard my mum say "we've got to be able to get on with our lives" in the background.
I'm not expecting them to do anything else but they've never celebrated before and I'm not sure I can actually cope! If I go I'll be sad and if I don't it'll put a damper on their thing anyway.

55 is a big anniversary though. They haven't done it before because you were born out of wedlock at a time when it was still frowned upon. It is indeed possible that they may not make it to 60 years. My father died last week after 58 years of marriage.

I am sorry for your loss but they are right it should not impact on whether they want to celebrate an anniversary even if they have chosen not to before.

I am so so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine what this is like.

YANBU because you never asked them to stop living their lives. But to be slightly considerate when you are in such agony.

You need to protect yourself have you looked into the circle of grief? You need to only be accepting support right now. They need to thoughtfully fuck off

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. It’s sad your husband died but that doesn’t mean they cannot celebrate their long marriage. You don’t need to go.

Perhaps your husband's death is the reason they have decided to celebrate. It must have hit them hard, as well, both for your sake and as a reminder that nobody is here forever.

55 years is fabulous and worth celebrating! Were they not able to celebrate much in years gone by because they’d had a child out of wedlock? I can imagine that raised a few eyebrows back then.

They haven’t done anything wrong.

I'm so sorry, that is hard and it is still such early days.

My son died two years ago, and people do some strange things either out of awkwardness or lack of thought. Both are hurtful.

I would be hurt by this. You don't want to put anyone's life on hold but they are your parents and should be more understanding.

I've found that sometimes things like this are OK, but only if everyone is understanding about how difficult it is for you. For example, I've attended nieces christenings, other funerals and, whilst I don't want to make every occasion all about me, people understand that things are hard and messy and I can't pretend I'm fine.

It doesn't sound like your parents are doing that for you and I'm so sorry about that.

So no, YANBU and, even if you are, you are grieving and have my full permission to do whatever the fuck you like b

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand it’s hard.

But it shouldn’t stop them doing things. My mum died at 66, 5 Months ago. Very suddenly. You know as well as anyone, things can change very quickly and opportunities to celebrate and be with people you love can be missed.

it’s very sad that they felt they should hide their anniversary until now.

Thanks everyone. I agree with you all actually! I know their anniversary is important and I agree that my husbands death has made everyone reevaluate their lives.
I just feel so hurt at the way it was dropped on me without any thought, and that I'll be expected to go and 'be happy' without conditions. And to hear my mum say they needed to get on with their lives when I really don't know whether my life is worth living without the love of my life was devastating. I think the principle is fine but the manner and lack of sensitivity has been the problem! Thank you all! X

Yes it does sound like they have been a bit heartless in how they announced it to you.

I don’t think you are unreasonable actually, they’re your parents, they should be sensitive to your feelings. Nothing wrong with them celebrating as a couple but why insisting on a family meal when they have never been bothered before. They can arrange a family meal at any time surely?

I think that it's the combination of the 2 events that's off here. They should definitely be able to celebrate their anniversary. As others have said it's probably your husband's passing that has shown them that they should make the most of life, but do they need the recognition of other family members to put them in the limelight just at this time? They could have chosen to do this between themselves as a couple instead of organising a celebration so soon after this sudden death where family members are being asked to participate. If they then wanted to organise a second get together with family, not specifically about their anniversary but more of a family event, then they could also do that, taking into consideration, at least for this year OP's loss.

You are being unreasonable but I still sympathise with you.
Grief impacts heavily on a family but they are allowed to celebrate too.

Jesus, they could have sugar coated it a bit! Six months is nothing in grief, and a wedding anniversary being celebrated would bloody hurt.

Sure, yes, they can move on and celebrate - you don't have to do anything. I'm sure there are going to be lots of things that will hurt like this, and I'm sure this isn't the first or last clanger that's going to get dropped, I'm so sorry that you've going through this.

I'd let them celebrate but it doesn't mean you have to go if your not ready too. Please don't feel you have to paint a smile on your face for the day - 6 months is nothing in terms of grief and your mum was pretty insensitive commenting that.

Oh OP I am so sorry for your loss. I’m also really sorry that your parents are being so insensitive, which I really think they are. Please don’t worry about putting a dampener on their day if you don’t turn up. You know what you can and can’t cope with, and your feelings come before anybody else’s right now.

We lost my Dad 6 months ago, and this month would have been their 60th anniversary. We will be celebrating as a family, but of course it will be difficult. Every ' first' is difficult, from birthday, Christmas, etc. Even writing out the first card with just one name on it, but at the end of the day life does go on, and whilst grief is different for everyone, you don't get over it, you learn to live with it, and that occasionally involves putting on your big girl pants and pushing yourself. Everyone there will understand what you are going through and be sympathetic. You don't have to stay the whole evening just as long as you can cope with.

Six months is so recent. They can celebrate their anniversary, they can invite you but, if you can't deal with it, don't go. At this time you need to do what you need to cope.

When I had a recent similarly close loss I had a lot of trauma with it. I was invited to a funeral 9 months later. I just couldn't go. Life does go on but we don't need to participate where it's too hard.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry about your loss and how hard this must be for you.

im afraid they are right though, I’m sorry, they need to be able to celebrate their anniversary if they wish and I’m not quite sure how they should have told you that would have made it ok. Them celebrating doesn’t detract from your grief.

I hope you get through this ok and find some happiness and peace.

I don't think the issue is that they've decided to celebrate their anniversary- its more how insensitive they've been towards the OP. Your mum's comment was awful. I'm so sorry for your loss op, 6 months is no time at all, you must still be reeling. In terms of the celebration, I would try to paint on a smile and agree to attend but see how you feel on the day. If you feel up to it then go, if not what a shame you've been throwing up all night and can't make it.

@sweeneytoddsrazor I’m sorry for your loss too, but telling OP to put her big girls pants on after she’s recently lost her HUSBAND ( who was probably around 20 years younger than dad, so perhaps more of a shock?) is really insensitive of you.

Insensitive handling by your parents!

It’d be fine not to attend.

They can ‘continue with our lives’ by doing / celebrating whatever and however they choose. What you do in your life - eg attend or not attend things - is not their business!

@PinkSyCo

It isn't meant to be insensitive, it was a big shock losing Dad, and for my Mum well I can't even imagine how its been. Like many people she went from living with her parents straight to living with her husband so she is now living on her own for the first time ever, at the age of 78. I was trying to say to the OP that every first is incredibly difficult for her but she does it with some support fro the family, because she knows she has to at some point and because she knows she would have wanted my Dad to if the roles had been reversed.
I apologise if it came over as insensitive

Some people can't handle others grief for a long period of time, they get impatient but there's no timeline for grief. It just is. You aren't being unreasonable and you also don't have to go to their family meal. I think I would find that too hard so soon after. Just decline and wish them a good time.

I’m sorry for your loss. 6 months is hell, it’s known as the 6 month low, the initial shock and all the arrangements have passed and it can be like sinking into a big black hole. I can still remember the feeling, many years on.
Yes, they’re being insensitive, people are because they can’t understand exactly how you feel, grief is so individual. I found the only way to get through things was to make a plan and I walked myself through that plan many times before the event. You can attend for a short time, at the start or towards the end, attend it all and take a lot of breaks outside —- do what works for you.
Explain to your parents what you are going to do and that it’s not negotiable.
You’re not being dramatic, or attention seeking or anything else, you’re looking after yourself.
I hope it goes well. Look after yourself and if you feel up for it, find a support group online for widows. I found that helped so much.