To say if you believe anxiety is real why not autism

[Rosebel]

This has been playing on my mind for a while.
When DD2 was 10 she was damaged with autism which we'd kind of suspected for a while.
She copes fairly well but still has triggers that cause meltdowns. My DF has never understood and expects her to act like a 13 year old not a 13 year old with autism. I have tried to explain, given him articles but he still doesn't or doesn't want to get it.
My sister has decided her DD has anxiety. It's not been diagnosed or anything but this is what she believes.
Now my DF is all over her always asking how she is, how she's coping, how it's fine if she locks herself in the bathroom because she can't cope with too many people.
I'm not angry he cares about my DN but I'm pissed that he believes her anxiety is real but my DDs autism is made up.
He's in his late 70s and autism didn't exist when he was younger but nor did anxiety so why believe one and not the other?
The other day my DD asked me to educate her grandad about autism and I didn't really know what to say. I have tried cutting down on contact but the kids obviously get upset if they don't see their grandparents.
I can't bear that he fawns over my niece (tbf she is the favourite grandchild and everyone says so) but won't make any allowance for my DD.
Don't get me wrong I love my dad and I know he loves his grandchildren but it sticks in my throat when he makes allowance for one and not the other.
AIBU to think he should at least make an effort to understand her autism and what she needs
AIBU to think he should believe autism is real

He may 'fawn' over her for reasons unrelated to anxiety or autism. Both girls are a lot more than their special needs. It is good you will have some understanding for your niece if she is not able to cope with people and locks herself in bathrooms to avoid them.

What do you mean, "damaged with autism"?

Autism did exist when your DF was young. So did anxiety. They were just not talked about so much, children were not always accurately diagnosed with autism and it would have been extremely rare for an adult to be diagnosed. We didn’t have the internet, most books and articles were written for professionals. This is why your DF sees autism as a “new” condition.
Anxiety was called all sorts of things, nerves, the vapours, shell shock in WW1 ( PTSD wasn’t named until much later I think but no expert in this)
Have you contacted either the National Autistic Society or your local library ( assuming you still have one, they’re thin on the ground) for some booklets or short books your father can read? I can understand your frustration, and your DD’s, but I think a bit of gentle education would be your best way forward.

Diagnosed not damaged. I should read back before posting.

I have given him articles to read and sometimes he does but it seems to make no difference. Sometimes I ask him what he thought of the article and he just says oh it was interesting but his attitude doesn't change.
Your right that it's not a new condition but I think lots of children were just labelled as naughty in the 40e and 50s when he was at school.

Well yes niece has always been the favourite. I just worry that he wants "normal" grandchildren but anxiety is okay because lots of people have it. I don't think he actually realises how badly a person can be affected by anxiety.

PIL don’t ‘agree’ with DS1’s ASD/ADHD diagnosis. We just keep contact to a minimum; they don’t deserve a nice relationship if they can’t move with the times and accept that we’ve sought help to improve our child’s life.

Anxiety is an emotion felt by practically everyone so I think it’s predictable that most people can understand what an anxiety disorder looks and feels like. You haven’t put in your post what he is and isn’t doing for your daughter. Potentially he does understand her less, especially as girls tend to mask. Grandparents were brought up in different times, expectations were different, it’s not unusual that they don’t quite understand kids today. Is he being unkind?

It took me fucking ages to get DH to understand that Ds1 was autistic left alone my Dad.
It was really annoying that they got that my DN had learning difficulties but not that DS1 has autism.
However I slowly plodded on pointing out the various behavioural things that Ds1 did as autistic traits and eventually they got there! It did take about 5 years though (probably because they are undiagnosed autistic as well!).
Now they all get it and it's fine but God it was a struggle!

Not exactly unkind but he gets very impatient with her, especially when she has meltdowns if her routine is interrupted without warning.
She can cope with change with warning and support but not if it's sudden. He'll tell her off for being naughty and has even said it's put on.
I just feel that so many people have picked on her and her grandad should want to support her.
I can see why anviety is understood a bit more but I also wish he could see how difficult life is for DD.
She's changing school next year and my dad said I assume you won't be telling anyone about her (uses his fingers to do quote marks) "condition '. I was like WTF??!!

You said it yourself, your niece is his favourite.

Autism is complicated to understand if you know little to nothing about neurology, anxiety is something we have all experienced at some point.

It sounds like your dad doesn't understand or want to understand. The Daily Mail has told him it's just an excuse for bad behaviour and that is easier for him, it backs up his prejudice. He sounds like he finds it difficult to think outside of his own experience and he struggles with empathy. Does the ASD come from your side of the family?

It's such a huge spectrum and no two people with autism are the same ,it's difficult to explain to people,my mum will still tell me about her hairdresser,s boyfriend who has autism who has his own buissness for example I think to give me "hope" in her mind about my severley autistic non verbal 12 year old son
Whereas most people understand feelings of anxiety.

I can kinda understand why someone from an older generation might struggle to understand Autism, but that doesn't in any way mean it's ok for them to deny or ignore a diagnosis. I have relatives who I've had to sit down and explain the difference between a mental illness, and what used to be termed a 'mental disability', so I've no doubts that the same people would be totally unable to comprehend things like personality disorders, neurodiversity, and so on

There's still a shocking amount of generalised ignorance around when it comes to invisible illnesses and conditions, so I'm really not surprised at someone who can grasp an illness like Anxiety being a real thing, but can't conceive of a condition like Autism. I've suffered with depression my entire adult life, but there was a period of 10 years or so where I had no inkling I was actually ill because I was ignorant about what depression actually was, and how people might experience it on a day to day basis. I wonder if your DF simply believes DD is naughty or temperamental because of a lack of comprehension about what Autism actually is.

I am diagnosed myself, and I still encounter plenty of people who 'believe' in Autism and accept it as real, but because I don't present as their preconceived notion of what Autistic people are like, I frequently get people telling me to my face I can't possibly be Autistic. It's bizarre, but again it just stems from generalised naive ignorance, not malicious ignorance.

I think it's that. More people can relate to an anxious feeling than understand a hugely complex diagnosis of autism.

I quickly identified the people to shut up around. My Nanna used to talk of DS 'mild autism' as if she was trying to convince me, who lives with him! I no longer tell her a lot about the kids and she has no idea that DD is barely in school because she isn't coping. That would be seen as a failure on my part so I just say 'she is fine' when Nanna asks for her! You can try to educate them but sometimes it's not worth my effort and it's like fighting a losing battle I don't need.

Bit off piste but for a while now I've been wondering if Autism is a type of anxiety disorder, just based on my own children and the others I know.
My dd's pda symptoms are for sure driven by anxiety around being out of control.

Your dad should make more effort to understand your dd, you have my sympathies.

I'm nearly 67, OP, so not massively younger than your DF and I can assure you that autism was known about beyond the education and MH professions when he was younger.

I was still at school, so probably late 60s/early 70s, when there was a fascinating documentary about a residential school for children with autism on tv, and it attracted a lot of press coverage. And I remember reading about the debunking of the theory that autism was caused by "refrigerator mothers" in the 70s, too.

My late parents would be almost 90 if they were still alive, and I have clear recollections of discussing the possibility of an uncle having an undiagnosed ASD with them after something they'd seen on tv in the early 1980s.

I wonder if your DF's reluctance to accept the diagnosis is because of increasing evidence that there's a genetic element.

Bit off piste but for a while now I've been wondering if Autism is a type of anxiety disorder, just based on my own children and the others I know.

No. Anxiety is a mental health problem. Autism is neurological. Lots of autistic people struggle with anxiety, probably because our autism makes things difficult so we get anxious.

i think it’s tricky for grandparents because even if they read stuff, it can be hard to translate into how to relate to their own autistic grandchild. We were lucky that all grandparents were on board with learning and happy to defer to us as the experts. With my FIL, he will sometimes try to impose standards that we don’t, so for example, DS asked me if he could get down from the table after the main course and FIL chipped in and said ‘you won’t get any pudding’. I shot him a bit of a look and said ‘oh dear, Grandad doesn’t know our table rules, does he, you can get down and I’ll call you for pudding’. I later reminded FIL that DS finds a dinner table with 10+ people loud & overstimulating and needs a break and he was absolutely fine about it.

We found this cartoon quite helpful, apologies if you’ve seen/tried it before.

the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

@roosnunlilei apologies, I don't mean to offend. I was chewing the cud really.

I have a child with adhd, anxiety disorder, dyspraxia and pda traits (without an asd diagnosis to go with it). My other two children have anxiety that affects their daily lives (and they are young). It's a minefield, and sometimes I wonder if the acute anxiety alters the neurological pathways.

My parents are in their 60s and struggle to understand my adhd and asd. I was just a difficult child to them and they can't wrap their heads around the fact that I have these conditions and that nobody noticed. I think unless you present as the typical adhd or asd profile then people just struggle to comprehend. The idea of masking completely baffles my parents

I'm not offended.

@roosnunlilei thanks for letting me know that 😊

Both of my children have autism and my PIL are in there 70s.

they’re kind, accommodating, loving, caring and understanding.

his behaviour is HIM - not his age.

personally I don’t expose my children to people who don’t show they care about them. It will damage them in the long run.

if my father was unwilling to learn and understand my children he’d not be a part of our lives.

He's not horrible but he just doesn't get it
While I suppose he could also be autistic it's certainly never occurred to me before.
I think it comes down to not knowing enough about autism and I really think he suspects she's just naughty
I really hope it's not that he just wants "perfect" grandchildren. I think my son may also be autistic but I haven't dared to share that with my parents.
Or maybe it's just because my children aren't the favourites.