Friend tells me her life is better than mine

[GraceTaylor2022]

Background: Several years ago I left a toxic job to finish up a master's degree, get done with a surgery I needed, and have a bit of a break. Then I'd start a job search. I figured I'd be OK. Instead I was unemployed for almost 5 years. Finally got something a couple months ago. Being unemployed for so long almost killed me. It was rough on my finances and my self-confidence. I don't think I will ever be the same.

Last night an old friend called to catch up and asked me plainly how I was doing now with the new job etc. I told them that I was definitely doing better but I still have a lot of anxiety about money and my future and it can be hard to talk to people who enjoy strong financial security because a minor remark can sometimes hit me like a gut punch. This didn't come out all at once but through the back-and-forth of the conversation.

My friend's responses were so unhelpful that it did my head in. Stuff like "I haven't had to worry about money since I got married" and "if I hadn't gotten married I'd still be living the way I was" and "I got used to having more money and forgot that some people don't have it". She also told me about friends who are about to retire in considerable comfort and friends who have gotten very rich through their business venture and bought properties.

I did not expect to hear all that and tried to change the subject but she kept coming back to it. It was so odd. I still can't wrap my head around what her thinking was.

This might be related: We also talked about how she and her husband haven't been getting along. I don't have a sense of how serious it is but some of it sounded harsh. I wonder if her thoughts and feelings about that were driving some of her comments. Perhaps she was trying to tell herself what was good about her marriage and that's what she came up.

Eventually the conversation ended. I felt like six different kinds of shilt by that point.

I didn't sleep a wink last night and I've felt horrible all day.

Is it me? I mean, I am an emotionally fragile husk right now so there is that. But am I off the mark in finding her comments upsetting?

To me, it just sounds like a fairly typical conversation between friends. She didn't bring up the subject of money, you did. And it doesn't sound like she was bragging because her main point was that she's only ok because of her husband, that she wouldn't have achieved financial security by herself. I can't see how talking about strangers upset you either really. All quite odd.

She was also quite honest about her relationship difficulties so again not bragging or trying to portray a perfect life. Perhaps she didn't realise just how sensitive you are to hearing about other people having money.

I can see how that made you feel like rubbish. Perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt as maybe she is going through something. I can't imagine if a friend was speaking of money worries that I would say those kinds of things but some people are thoughtless.

Maybe don't speak to her about personal stuff in the future.

Think you're being a bit oversensitive here.

I don't think you're being unreasonable or oversensitive. But I think she is self-absorbed and, as you astutely worked out, she was actually focusing entirely on her stability and insecurities about potential future instability if she gets divorced. Some of her comments sound like a clumsy attempt at empathy, saying she understands how you feel as she was there before... She probably didn't realise how insensitive she was being.

I'd try and leave a healthy distance between you. Talking to her has really unsettled you so try to do less often until you're a bit stronger.

Comments like ‘I don’t know where I’d be financially if I hadn’t got married” might also indicate to feelings of being trapped and codependency to be fair to her.

You need to think about what you've called this thread, as well.

I think anything she said you would have gotten offended.

Let's turn this around. And old friend has confided in you that her marriage is in trouble. And all you can do is accuse her of being insensitive to your situation.

I think you're being unfair on your friend here. You were the one who brought up money and she seems pretty sympathetic pointing out she's only OK financially because of her husband

That how I read this too.

sounds like she was trying to say that she is only in a better position, financially, because of marriage. Not because she is just better than you. And trying to communicate her difficulties.

However, you are so hung up on your own money worries you couldn’t see that. You made it about your problems.

Nowhere does it sound like she said her life was better than yours.

How much do you value what this person thinks or says?

Are they normally the sort of person to want to make you feel bad?

She didn’t say her life was better then yours at all then? She in fact, confided in you about her marriage problems and that her marriage is the only reason she is financially stable herself. That doesn’t sound like bragging to me, at all.

I think maybe your anxiety has made you hear something completely different from what was actually said. I have anxiety too, so I know how this can happen. Please don’t let your anxiety drive away or fall out with perfectly good friends.

I get the impression that your friend is a little unhappy in her relationship and dependency. I'm sorry but I do think you're being overly sensitive.