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Original poster

How to deal with his faffing around?

17 replies

UndertheCedartree · 01/05/2022 22:18

My BF cannot leave my house without faffing around for hours and it can get really annoying!

So just to be clear we don't live together. He lives in a shared house and I live in my house with my 2 DC.

So today he was popping round to pick something up and I asked if he had time for a chat. He said it was fine and he would stay for 30min. He ended up staying for about an hour which was fine and then popped up the shop for me saying he'd drop my milk off then go. He came back at about 5.30 and came back in and started chatting again and saying he would go in a minute. He ended up rolling a cigarette and smoking it so I made us a coffee. After that he carried on faffing around 'getting ready to go'. He left at 8pm.

The problem I think is I'm autistic and need to transition from one activity to another. So while he is still here I can't transition to something else. I was just waiting for him to go so I could carry on to what else I needed to do. I would feel bad outright just telling him to go but I also just get more and more uncomfortable being in 'limbo'. I'm very organised, like routine and sticking to timings - BF is the opposite! He's not trying to be a pain - he just is!

OP posts:
KindergartenKop · 01/05/2022 22:33

It sounds like he doesn't appreciate that someone with 2 kids can't be so spontaneous.

FollowTheLizards · 01/05/2022 22:45

That sounds annoying. Does he know that you function best with a routine? I think it's a case of compromise to an extent. If he's a faffer then he's unlikely to ever leave on time, so you need to factor that in and ask him to start making tracks say 30 minutes before you need him to leave. I would hate to be in limbo for a couple of hours though; it does sound like he's the total opposite to you in that respect!

MissMaple82 · 01/05/2022 22:50

I'd say you're not compatible then. If it's simply the way he is, he can't change, nor should he have to.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/05/2022 22:53

I doubt you want to hear this, but you're not compatible.

Fizzyfish · 01/05/2022 22:54

If you can't help the way you are, maybe he can't help being how he is. It's prob not his fault either

Womencanlift · 01/05/2022 23:05

To me that doesn’t sound like faffing. It just looks like he wants to spend time with you

Agree with pp’s - you are not compatible

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 01/05/2022 23:30

KindergartenKop · 01/05/2022 22:33

It sounds like he doesn't appreciate that someone with 2 kids can't be so spontaneous.

Yes, I think as he hasn't got DC of his own he doesn't quite understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 01/05/2022 23:34

FollowTheLizards · 01/05/2022 22:45

That sounds annoying. Does he know that you function best with a routine? I think it's a case of compromise to an extent. If he's a faffer then he's unlikely to ever leave on time, so you need to factor that in and ask him to start making tracks say 30 minutes before you need him to leave. I would hate to be in limbo for a couple of hours though; it does sound like he's the total opposite to you in that respect!

I probably haven't really explained it properly to him, tbh. I struggle a bit with understanding that if I understand it in my head it doesn't mean other people do! Yes, adding in some time for him to 'faff' sounds a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 01/05/2022 23:37

MissMaple82 · 01/05/2022 22:50

I'd say you're not compatible then. If it's simply the way he is, he can't change, nor should he have to.

I think we are compatible enough. We've been together over 4 years. I know he can't help being a 'faffer' I'm just asking how I can deal with it - not how I can change him.

OP posts:
FiveNineFive · 01/05/2022 23:37

Why can't you just tell him to leave?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 01/05/2022 23:41

Womencanlift · 01/05/2022 23:05

To me that doesn’t sound like faffing. It just looks like he wants to spend time with you

Agree with pp’s - you are not compatible

Haha - no believe me it's faffing! He is like it even when we are leaving the house together. Today I would have been happy for him to be over all day. It was him who only wanted to stay 30 min. Besides we are so happy with each other, if this is incompatible then I'll take it!

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 01/05/2022 23:45

FiveNineFive · 01/05/2022 23:37

Why can't you just tell him to leave?

Because it would seem I don't want him here when that's not true. If he said he was staying longer I could relax and enjoy it rather than keep thinking he is just about to leave! Thinking about this I think because it is a mildly unpleasant thing for him to leave, I'm kind of psyched up for the transition and then it just gets dragged out! Don't know if that makes sense!

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FollowTheLizards · 01/05/2022 23:49

I probably haven't really explained it properly to him, tbh. I struggle a bit with understanding that if I understand it in my head it doesn't mean other people do! Yes, adding in some time for him to 'faff' sounds a good idea. I think you probably do need to try being direct about it. My first serious partner and his Mum were chronic faffers, but you could just make a joke about them dawdling and they'd get the message and hurry up or fuck off!

spotcheck · 01/05/2022 23:55

Just have a chat with him.
If he needs a nudge, then tell him " right, I have half an hour, but then I have to crack on".

Was he hoping for a dinner invitation?

user1471457751 · 01/05/2022 23:59

Perhaps don't make coffee for you both if you are expecting him to leave? That's a sign you want him to stay.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 02/05/2022 00:08

spotcheck · 01/05/2022 23:55

Just have a chat with him.
If he needs a nudge, then tell him " right, I have half an hour, but then I have to crack on".

Was he hoping for a dinner invitation?

That's a good phrase, thank you. No, I don't think he was wanting dinner. He was saying he had to go.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 02/05/2022 00:09

user1471457751 · 01/05/2022 23:59

Perhaps don't make coffee for you both if you are expecting him to leave? That's a sign you want him to stay.

Yes, I see that is not being very clear! I just thought well if he's not leaving as signalled by rolling we might as well have a coffee!

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