To Expect DS's dad to show some effort?

[IdreamofClooney]

This is going to be a bit of a rant but I am SO FED UP with my Ex.

I am trying to keep things amicable as I know that is best for DS as he loves his Daddy but I am struggling.

I will list some examples of his recent behaviour:

DS is potty training - Ex collected him from nursery and insisted they put a nappy on him as it was "not convienent" for him to have an accident

Despite being off work for 10 days he has not yet managed to obtain a potty for his home (he has DS two afternoons a week) despite repeated requests from me

DS has what looks like the start of conjunctivities - I called Ex to ask if he could get him some eye drops (he's getting DS from nursery at 12 so has all morning) but he said "no I don't want to trapse around" so that means I will have to go and get them with DS at 6pm after work.

There are countless ohter issues like this - basically he won;t do anything to help look after DS other than picking him up from nursery. I know that some single parents have no contact at all with their ex but to be honest at the moment I feel that would be easier. He owes me hundreds of pounds as never has any money and I am so fed up as to the outside world he looks like a good dad but in reality I do all the work and he swans to nursery collects DS takes him to starbucks for an hour and lets him eat cake then I deal with all of the crappy bits.

Am i being unreasonalbe to feel that is has no respect DS's welfare not to mention for me?

YANBU to be hacked off - I would be too. Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about this? And I mean talk not rant - appreciate this would be easier said than done as if he was my ds's dad I would find it hard not to punch him!

I have actually just written a letter to him. He should get it tomorrow and DS and I won;t see him till Monday.

He just shows no respect at all and I feel that the way he behaves means that he is neglecting DS's needs.

Suppose he is just a selfish man!

YANBU. Not at all.

But I think sometimes it can save your sanity if you just look at him through your ds' eyes....your ds doesn't care about whether he has a potty or not at dad's...and being taken to starbucks etc is all great fun.....eye drops will be given the same day whether it was dad at 12noon or mum at 6....

I know it's not exactly responsible parenting but from your ds point of view it's not anything bad. It's deeply unimpressive though that he wouldn't get eye drops for his boy who might be experiencing a bit of discomfort though. But again it's nothing that your ds will care about.

I personally would tell the nursery that under no circumstances are they to put a nappy on your ds. I think that's important to keep to in order not to confuse your ds and make life harder for him. The nursery can say that you don't now provide nappies for him and they can't take one from someone else's stash!

I would personally keep requesting that he does what is necessary but at the same time, remember to look at your ex purely through the eyes of your ds and judge him accordingly. I know it's not at all easy. But worth it to your ds in the long term.

Thanks Honoria

I will def try to do that. DS adores him, and as you say that is what is important.The important person in this relationship is DS and of course he loves his time with Daddy as no discipline no rules no hurrying just fun (and as many cakes as he can eat)

Re the potty trainig thing I find it very frustrating that Ex cannoeven be bothered to do that. I did ask the nursery not to put a nappy on DS. He has been doing so well and I do not want him to regress due to Ex's laziness.

I just feel so put upon as I am the 100% responsible one and Ex seems to get all of the nice parts of being a parent (adoration, cuddles, DS falling asleep in his lap) but none of the tough bits such as worrying about everything, being exhausted, having no time to yourself etc etc

Will try not to let it get to me as I know he won;t ever change and the bottom line is that it is best for DS to see him regularly - just v tough on me!

Thanks for your reply

Yes it is tough on you and I often think women in your position have to be superhuman in their restraint - but I really DO think it is worth it. Just flip everything round away from your ex and back to your ds, like instead of thinking your ex gets adoration, cuddles, ds falling asleep in his lap etc, think of it that your ds is getting adoration, cuddles, and the security of falling asleep in his dad's lap and all the joy that brings him

So whenever you catch yourself resenting your ex, just flip it round in your head. Dads are so important, specially to boys and specially as he grows....

But you clearly know that already. I totally take my hat off to you and admire you. I don't think you should be walked all over, either - I still say you should keep demanding responsible parenting from your ex. What I'm suggesting is just a strategy for you to cope, not a way of letting him off the hook.

I think also that another strategy that helps is to remember that you are both parents with your own approaches. He will not parent the same as you but that is not ALWAYS a negative; no potty at dad's - ok, maybe ds will go straight to the loo instead...kids do adapt. Though clearly the same rules over the very fundamentals of parenting will be less confusing for your ds!

Good luck

Thanks don'tcallmehun

I now that you are right. DS is only two and the list of things that his Dad just can;t be bothered doing grows daily.

DS will realise that it is me that does everything for him. But it is frustrating that his Dad doesn;t lift a finger to help and yet gets to come off to the general public as a great dad.

I am just finding things hard at the moment. I have DS with me all the time when I am not at work as his Dad won't ever take him for evenings, over night or weekends when I suggest it he says "but when would I get a break"

DS loves his Daddy and gets very upset when he doesn't see him which happens frequenetly so I have to put up with constant cries of "where's daddy" and tantrums when I collect him from nursery as he wants Daddy. Then of course when he does see Daddy he is sop thrilled to see him that he behaves like and angel. Sigh