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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not host a playdate

54 replies

Icantfindtherightshoe · 30/04/2022 14:34

Hi Mumsnet. Need some input or perspective here.

This weekend I promised my DC's (DS12 and DD6) that this weekend would be just for us. Normally they go to their Dad's house from Friday evening until they come home from School Monday afternoon but he and his partner are both unwell, they also have a newborn baby (three weeks) So the kiddos are stuck with Mum.

We have an outing planned tomorrow, we're going to a Museum quite a stretch away from us but my children absolutely love it. It's been around a while, I can remember going to this Museum when I was a child with school and interacting with all the exhibits. I asked if DC's wanted to bring friends but they said No. I respected that and told Ex-husband of plans. He said he'd pay since technically he's meant to have the kids this weekend.

Ex SIL found out and came up with the idea that she could invite herself and two of her Mum friends and their children from her daughter's school. To me it just screams "playdate" and I know I'll have to keep a whole gaggle of children happy, safe and fed. I don't want to do that to my kids, I have vivid memories of my parents planning trips for me then letting other kids come along at the last minute or when we'd already made the plans. They have lots of friends both where I live and where their Dad lives twenty minutes away from us. They have plenty of days out and friends regularly come around for tea to mine and to their Dad's. My kids love to socialise. They are not short on interaction with children their ages

I told Ex-Sil I don't want to host a playdate, I want to make the most of my weekend with my children because next weekend they'll be having the time of their lives with their Dad. She's calling me all sorts of names and trying to get Ex-Husband involved. He's told her he's staying out of it and he's not paying eight children and four adults to look around a Museum. I know she won't pay herself and she'll guilt me about this for ages

AIBU to say "No. I'm making sure my kids have a nice weekend" I'm starting to feel like I am.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 30/04/2022 15:30

Ex-SIL is being a total cow and clearly your ex feels the same! Ultimately, she isn’t your SIL any more and if this is how she regularly behaves then I’d probably be inclined to cut ties with her. It doesn’t sound like your kids are close to their cousins if they only see each other a couple of times a year.

Robin233 · 30/04/2022 15:34

Please don't feel miserable about what ex sil says.
Enjoy your chocolate with a big smile on your face - I would.
And congratulate yourself you don't have to put up with bat s* ex sil on your museum trip.
Enjoy.

NoSquirrels · 30/04/2022 15:36

Of COURSE you’re not unreasonable!

He's told her he's staying out of it and he's not paying eight children and four adults to look around a Museum. I know she won't pay herself and she'll guilt me about this for ages

If she’s not going to pay for herself you’ve got fuck all to worry about.

Womencanlift · 30/04/2022 15:38

Icantfindtherightshoe · 30/04/2022 15:24

Thank you everyone, really. I'm sat here eating a cadbury's caramel bar and I'm feeling utterly miserable, not because of the whole pkaydate thing but because ex-sil is being cruel. I think my Ds and DD are picking up on it and have taken themselves off to their rooms to have some quiet time. A treat is in order tonight, I think. Anyone want to come over for a curry and an episode of Friends? 🤣

Why are you sitting in a mood and ruining your kids weekend?

This is such a non problem. All you had to say originally was “sorry the kids and I just want it to be us this weekend and have been looking forward to it. Maybe another time?”

If she doesn’t like it that’s her problem not yours. Just block or mute any messages so she can’t get to you

NoSquirrels · 30/04/2022 15:38

Just ignore her. Block her if need be. She’s your ex’s sister - the DC can see her when he’s in charge, you’re not obliged to keep in contact with her - she sounds horrible.

EL8888 · 30/04/2022 15:39

YANBU. She however is being a CF and tag along. Don’t engage with her nonsense

notanothertakeaway · 30/04/2022 15:41

Icantfindtherightshoe · 30/04/2022 15:26

@notanothertakeaway Ex Sil invited herself after finding out our plans. My Ex-husband paid for me and my DC's to go out because technically they're meant to be with him but he and his wife and child are sick. I didn't say anything to my Ex SIL. I hardly see her. Her kids and their friends dont even go to my DD's school. And none of them are remotely old enough to go to my DS's school because he goes to High School (Secondary School)

That doesn't answer my question. Did you tell her not to go to the museum?

You can say "I'm just planning to take A & B, so we won't go round the museum with you"

But you can't tell her that she's not allowed to go to a public museum if she wants to

Autienotnaughtie · 30/04/2022 15:43

Obviously she is within her rights to go to a museum but she can't dictate she goes with you. Ignore her.

Original poster
Icantfindtherightshoe · 30/04/2022 15:53

@notanothertakeaway Im not interacting with her. If she wants to go to the Museum - She can. It's open air, it's a well known Museum (that is if you live in Shropshire anyway) but she wants a free trip and a babysitter. I'm not supplying either. I promised my children a day out, just me and them. I haven't said a word to her because she's been calling me nasty names. I simply said "Oh it's just a day out for me and DC's" On top of that she invited herself and her two friends, they each have two children. My ex is paying for me and kids to go out because he wss meant to have them.

I haven't told her she can't go. I've told her I'm not planning a playdate. My kids don't want that. I'm not forcing six kids they hardly know on them

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2022 15:55

Why would he be paying for the tickets and you feeding everyone? That's not how "paly dates" work.

But no, yanbu to want them to yourself if he has them every weekend normally, or to not want to hang out with people you barely know / don't know at all.

Why are the kids picking up on the fact DSIL is being cruel to you? Is she there? Tell her to leave

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2022 15:58

I mean I don't see why what she's describing would require you to look after the kids - if their parents are there you should all be looking after your own kids. But obviously YANBU about everything else. It's really bizarre of her to invite herself and people you barely know, and then to kick off. She sounds awful.

billy1966 · 30/04/2022 15:59

Stop giving someone you rarely see and don't like any power.

She is calling you nasty names.
Block her and be done with it.

Enjoy your weekend with your children.

Original poster
Icantfindtherightshoe · 30/04/2022 15:59

@SleepingStandingUp unfortunately DS knows how nasty she can be. He very tentatively popped his head around and said "Is that Auntie Sharon again?" If she cant get her way, she makes everyone miserable. Ex-husband isn't paying for everyone, he's just paying for me and DC's and Ex SIL thought she could get a free trip. DC's normally go and stay with ex-husband but this was a thank you because he and his partner are unwell

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 30/04/2022 16:02

It’s all a bit peculiar!

You’re going with your DC to a museum. Your DC’s father has paid the entry.

Your DC’s aunt says she’ll come, with the DC’s cousin/s, and a few of their friends too. Make a day of it.

But somehow this = you ‘hosting’ and babysitting and paying?

Just say “Maybe we’ll bump into you there - have a great day.”

Then go on bank holiday Monday instead Grin

anon12345anon · 30/04/2022 16:07

Honestly, she sounds like a cunt.
Most normal people would ask if you wanted company, and gracefully accept a "no thanks".
You sound like a great Mum (and your ex sounds like a fair guy too).

Fuck her right off....in fact I'd go as far as blocking her, and going NC.

As I'm getting older, my tolerance for this shit is getting less and less.

Have a fabulous evening with your kids (and maybe a cheeky red wine!) and a great day at the museum! Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2022 16:10

I'm still confused if she's in your house or on the phone. Your comment about her continuing to be cruel suggests you're still engaging. Why are you engaging??

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2022 16:11

If vyoire going where I think you're going, I'm jealous. I love it there but we don't drive so it's a pita with three kids. We do need to go again soon tho

notanothertakeaway · 30/04/2022 16:11

Icantfindtherightshoe · 30/04/2022 15:53

@notanothertakeaway Im not interacting with her. If she wants to go to the Museum - She can. It's open air, it's a well known Museum (that is if you live in Shropshire anyway) but she wants a free trip and a babysitter. I'm not supplying either. I promised my children a day out, just me and them. I haven't said a word to her because she's been calling me nasty names. I simply said "Oh it's just a day out for me and DC's" On top of that she invited herself and her two friends, they each have two children. My ex is paying for me and kids to go out because he wss meant to have them.

I haven't told her she can't go. I've told her I'm not planning a playdate. My kids don't want that. I'm not forcing six kids they hardly know on them

In that case, YANBU

Good luck and hope you can shake her off

As an aside, I think it's nice you're on good enough terms with your ex that he's paying for you to have a day out

Whenthegoatcomesin · 30/04/2022 16:12

You don’t need to justify this at all. It wasn’t your plan. You don’t want to, so no.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 30/04/2022 16:20

I'd let her crack on but secretly just go someone else
Just you and your kids

The.my when she messages you just say oh I changed my mind at the last minute

That'll teach her

Whatsmyname100 · 30/04/2022 16:20

In what way does she make everyone miserable? She's your ex Sil why do you even have contact with someone so nasty? Your dc can see her at your ex. A non drama op, one that you should not be encouraging.

PrinnyPree · 30/04/2022 16:38

"She's calling me all sorts of names" tell her to fuck off and block her, she's your ex-SIL take it as one of the perks of being divorced that shes seriously not your problem. Never worry about her again, she's your exH's problem if she ever turns up to anything you're hosting again just turn her away and remind her of the nasty names she called you and you won't tolerate abuse. Cheeky cow.

gianaInfertilitySucks · 30/04/2022 16:45

If she wants to visit the museum of course she's free to do so but I dont get why you need to pay

Shinyandnew1 · 30/04/2022 16:46

I know she won't pay herself

there are so many questions here, that need to be answered to understand why you think this

She can obviously go where she wants.

How do you know she wants to go-did she tell you or your ex?

Has she told him/you, she won’t be paying?

How does she know what time you’re going? If you are there at 10am and have paid and go in, and then she arrives at 11, she’ll have to pay for herself? What else is she going to do-ring you and tell you to come to the reception and pay for 6 more people? Of course not. She can obviously want and hope someone else will pay, but if they don’t, then they don’t!

I’d be tempted to go Monday instead. And don’t tell her anything you’re doing ever again.

MangoBiscuit · 30/04/2022 16:48

Another vote for telling her to fuck off, and blocking her. Cheeky fucker.

She is absolutely not your problem. And even if she was, you do not have to put up with guilt trips or name calling from anyone.