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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be nervous about visits with brother

15 replies

RubyEmma212121 · 30/04/2022 14:32

I have a 4 month old baby and 2 Yr old toddler.

My brothers life is very different to mine. He lives an impoverished kind of life and resides in housing for those with mental health difficulties and has been diagnosed with emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder as well as alcohol addiction problems, clinical depression, psychosis and has an eating disorder.

When on his medication he is sweet and placid yet always a little oppositional however he will go through spells of crisis and be erratic - he has been sectioned many many times and also spent some time in prison as a result of these episodes. Although he has never directly been violent to me.

My mother acts as an unofficial carer for him. Due to the pandemic we didn't see him much but now my mum would like him to visit me more often and spend time with the children.

He has never expressed to me a desire to spend time with the children and sometimes I feel my mum is pushing it as a form of therapy for him to help him feel better. I love my brother and would love him to have a relationshio with my dcs but his past behaviour has been erratic which makes me nervous. As a mum your children's well being comes first and this is what I am struggling with.

Recently when she visited we face timed him with the children and when she asked him to say goodbye to the children he replied 'why would I want to say goodbye to a expletive baby'.

I understand I probably need more eduction on mental health and personality disorders but AIBU to feel nervous/uncomfortable about my children spending time with him.

I know I am probably catastrophising and my mum says I am being stigmatising him which really upsets me as that's not what I want.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 30/04/2022 15:02

My SIL has a brother with a similar history. As far as I know he has next to no interest in her DC and is mostly interested in himself and his issues.

if they do meet it would be within a family group with plenty of space and plenty of adults who are aware of his possible unpredictable behaviour.

maybe you could suggest a picnic somewhere and invite him. I doubt he’ll be very interested in the DC but you will have made the gesture. I imagine your DM is somewhat isolated by being his carer and is fantasising about a big happy family. Obviously if he’s been drinking or taking drugs the visit is cancelled.

Good luck.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/04/2022 15:23

"... but now my mum would like him to visit me more often and spend time with the children. ... sometimes I feel my mum is pushing it as a form of therapy for him to help him feel better."
What your mother wants is neither here nor there. You and your children are not some medical facility that she can book your brother in to. You have agency over who visits you - it's up to you, it's your choice.

"...my mum says I am being stigmatising him which really upsets me as that's not what I want."
She knows what buttons to press, doesn't she? It was manipulative of her to say that to you. She is in the wrong here.

You need to be blunt with your mother and tell her to back off. Point out that your brother clearly has no interest in meeting your children, so why would he want to do that? And, even if he did want to meet them, your children are YOUR children not hers, and YOUR responsibility, not hers, and if you think it's a bad idea then it's not going to happen. And she should back the fuck off.

Muminabun · 30/04/2022 16:51

I felt sorry for my brother who is very similar to yours. Parental pressure to have my young children visit. I then received a phone call from professionals as he had disclosed his interest in sexually abusing young children. Now have no contact with him at all. Be careful op his issues sound very serious and children come first.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/04/2022 16:58

I dont blame your Mum for trying, but I wouldnt want my small dc around someone who clearly has no interest AND has no problem saying those things in front of them.

Fairislefandango · 30/04/2022 17:24

YANBU at all, OP. I can understand why your mum would like to facilitate this for your brother's sake, but your priority is quite rightly your children. Besides, there is no evidence that your mum is right that contact with your dc will benefit your brother - he certainly doesn't sound interested!

FictionalCharacter · 30/04/2022 17:35

What @WhereYouLeftIt said. Your mother shouldn’t be trying to use you and your dc as therapy for your brother.

Franklyfrost · 30/04/2022 17:37

Please go with your instincts and don’t see him. If you have the time and energy meet up with him for a walk or coffee away from home. The reality is that he is unwell, unstable and him seeing your kids isn’t going to change that.

badhappening · 30/04/2022 18:37

I think your DM is very wrong and extremely naive.

TheOriginalEmu · 30/04/2022 18:44

Has anyone actually asked him what HE wants? It doesn’t sound like it. He’s a person too and should decide for himself if he wants to meet/be around your kids.
that said, him having mental health issues isn’t in and of itself a reason he can’t be around them. Plenty of people with Eupd are parents. She’s not wrong that you are stigmatising him based on nothing really. Not understanding the point of saying goodbye to a baby isn’t the same as being dangerous toward them.
Cant you just ask him?

Georgeskitchen · 30/04/2022 19:19

To be blunt, I would not allow him anywhere near my children

FabFitFifties · 30/04/2022 19:29

Use his behaviour during video call, which DM witnessed, to evidence why you can't trust him around your children. Your DM is prioritising her child (one if them anyway) and you must prioritise yours. Yours, as young children, take priority over everyone else in this scenario. I would be VERY firm with DM and refuse to discuss it further. Don't be manipulated.

ManateeFair · 30/04/2022 19:37

It is absolutely not up to your mother to decide whether your kids need to spend time with their uncle. It sounds like she’s maybe in denial about the extent of his problems.

cansu · 30/04/2022 20:00

It is entirely up to you.
Personally I would monitor how he is and only see him when he is mentally stable. Not seeing him does send the message that he is off limits due to having mental health difficulties. For me it would be a case of he is family and therefore I would help and see him when I could. That doesn't mean putting the children at risk. I would also want to support my mum by including him in some family events etc. If you are worried about the swearing, maybe you could ask him to avoid swearing when they are around. Having said that, there are many people who swear. Would this make them off limits to your kids?

cansu · 30/04/2022 20:02

For example if he had tourettes and swore as part of this would you say he was no longer welcome or would you educate your kids that Uncle x has an illness that effects how he behaves sometimes. I think people do continue to stigmatise people with mental health problems. Taking care of your kids should not mean that your brother cannot ever be in their company.

Newestname002 · 30/04/2022 20:19

FabFitFifties · 30/04/2022 19:29

Your DM is prioritising her child (one if them anyway) and you must prioritise yours. Yours, as young children, take priority over everyone else in this scenario.

This is exactly what I was about to say. If you have any qualms at all, keep your children away from the situation your mother is trying to arrange. 🌹

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