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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asthma and staying with a smoker?

21 replies

gardenhelpneeded · 30/04/2022 12:42

I have recently been diagnosed with asthma.

My MIL chain smokes indoors. Since we’ve had kids she’s only have had the odd one inside - at the other end of the room. But once the kids are in bed it’s constant.

They’ve moved to a small 2 bed now so it’s worse. Less space.

AIbU? My DH find it hard to ask her not to. It would be very pointed to stay elsewhere . Also I used to smoke 20 years ago so this makes them feel I don’t have the right to ask now I think (implied by my DH who is very protective of his mum ).

OP posts:
FeedMeSantiago · 30/04/2022 13:51

I'm asthmatic and don't stay with my own parents for this reason. Smoke is one of my main triggers - I always need my inhalers when around people smoking, or in smoking houses.

3 people die from an asthma attack every day in the UK. It's not worth the risk.

hellcatspanglelalala · 30/04/2022 14:02

I just wouldn't stay there full stop, you have a perfectly valid reason.

Original poster
gardenhelpneeded · 30/04/2022 14:06

Thanks. Yes it’s just a bit tricky as I do enjoy their company and obviously my husband wants to see them.

OP posts:
Blanketpolicy · 30/04/2022 14:06

I wouldnt stay in the same room as someone smoking and I would always remove my kids. Asking her to air rooms before you arrive and smoke outside while you are there is not unreasonable. If she doesn't want to then only see her outside her home.

You being an ex-smoker is irrelevant, if anything it is more relevant as you know the risks, have been impacted by them, do not want to do any further damage and dont want your kids impacted either.

Your dh's thoughts on the matter are also irrelevant, you make you own decision.

Throckmorton · 30/04/2022 14:09

I would never stay in a house where someone smokes indoors - bad for you and doing your kids lasting harm too.

LittleOwl153 · 30/04/2022 14:13

I would have never stayed over ight in the house of an indoor smoker so I'd not be in your position. It is more difficult if you have but I think the move to a 2 bed gives you a get out. You 2 plus more than 1 kid in a small room does not sound practical or fun...

MartinMartinMarti · 30/04/2022 14:16

You really can’t take kids to a house that smokey, it’s vile.

Oysterbabe · 30/04/2022 14:17

My kids wouldn't be in the same room as someone smoking. You are their advocate, protect them.

Original poster
gardenhelpneeded · 30/04/2022 14:18

The kids aren’t coming. My MIL didn’t smoke when they were little but would maybe have one next to the open kitchen window and it crept up a bit. It’s hard as my DH doesn’t like to speak to her about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
gardenhelpneeded · 30/04/2022 14:19

Ps they’re late teens now. It’s not the kids, it’s me I’m asking about. As we were going to visit just me and DH.

OP posts:
5zeds · 30/04/2022 14:21

Open a window🤷🏻‍♀️ I would imagine you’d get more pollution from living in a city than one evening with a smoker. Has it ever given you an asthma attack?

SpacePotato · 30/04/2022 14:24

Just stay nearby. Smoke free. Meet up for lunch or tea or sit in the garden for a while.

If she asks say you can't be in the house due to the smoking because of the asthma.

Even if someone isn't smoking at the time, the room of a chain smoker will be saturated with vile toxins.

Original poster
gardenhelpneeded · 30/04/2022 14:26

5zeds · 30/04/2022 14:21

Open a window🤷🏻‍♀️ I would imagine you’d get more pollution from living in a city than one evening with a smoker. Has it ever given you an asthma attack?

Yes the window is open (no need to throw your arms about ). I’ve only just been diagnosed so it’s a new thing.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 30/04/2022 14:26

I think it's perfectly fine to say due to your recent asthma diagnosis you can't stay there if she's smoking inside. Doesn't matter if you're a previous smoker or if you haven't had an asthma attack before, you clearly don't want to run the risk of having one.

Just politely say it matter of factly, they can't go hand in hand so you'd understand if they started elsewhere if she'd find it too hard not to smoke outside.

JenniferBarkley · 30/04/2022 14:32

I wouldn't be able to visit the house of a smoker like that so you're not unreasonable at all. My PIL fortunately only smoke outside so it's usually fine, but when my chest is bad even them visiting my house and giving me a hug affects me and I avoid their car - it just clings to their clothes etc.

Your DH needs to have your back here.

axolotlfloof · 30/04/2022 14:35

SunshineAndFizz · 30/04/2022 14:26

I think it's perfectly fine to say due to your recent asthma diagnosis you can't stay there if she's smoking inside. Doesn't matter if you're a previous smoker or if you haven't had an asthma attack before, you clearly don't want to run the risk of having one.

Just politely say it matter of factly, they can't go hand in hand so you'd understand if they started elsewhere if she'd find it too hard not to smoke outside.

As an asthmatic I couldn't stay there.
Even if she doesn't smoke there will be residual smoke everywhere.
My kids (also teens) won't go in the garden when someone is smoking next door, so there's no way they would want to visit a smoker.
Can you meet them outside their home - blame Dr's advice, or your anxiety about your asthma, if it's easier.

JenniferBarkley · 30/04/2022 14:35

5zeds · 30/04/2022 14:21

Open a window🤷🏻‍♀️ I would imagine you’d get more pollution from living in a city than one evening with a smoker. Has it ever given you an asthma attack?

Being in a room with a smoker, even with the window open, would have me feeling tight even when my asthma is at its mildest. It's not melodrama.

WeAllHaveWings · 30/04/2022 14:54

5zeds · 30/04/2022 14:21

Open a window🤷🏻‍♀️ I would imagine you’d get more pollution from living in a city than one evening with a smoker. Has it ever given you an asthma attack?

Having a window open is nowhere near adequate to protect others from smoke.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2022 15:35

I don't have asthma and I wouldn't stay with a smoker, and there is no way I'd allow my children to stay there. It sounds absolutely repugnant.

godmum56 · 30/04/2022 15:41

I think asthma is a reasonable reason to stay elsewhere, especially if you are newly diagnosed and not sure how or if you can manage it around a smoker.

Whatsmyname100 · 30/04/2022 16:06

You need to put your own health first. I could care less about the feelings of someone who would put everyone else's health at risk.

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