Husband constantly thinking he's not good enough

[Getonwithit1]

Husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8. In the past few years his self esteem has taken a nose dive because he's put on weight. He's trying to lose it, in the meantime he's constantly seeking reassurance from me and gets sulky if I say the wrong thing. Sometimes he's constantly touching me for attention and it's starting to drive me bonkers!

I tell him I love him and go for walks with him, I'm not withholding affection or sex, sometimes I just don't want to be touched or asked if I'm going to leave him

He is going to counselling and on medication which has helped a bit. Any suggestions?

Gosh that sounds wearing. No suggestions, except for maybe saying it to him just as you’ve written it here, but hope the counselling and medications continue to help.

Is there an underlying reason that has lead to the low self esteem, overeating and weight gain? Often the overeating is a symptom of some other emotional problem.

I think the best approach in situations like this is to deal with it with as much empathy and love that you can. He is really struggling and obviously trying to help himself if he is trying to loose weight, having counselling and taking medication.

Sit him down and explain how much you love him, that you aren't going anywhere, that the weight gain doesn't make you love him any less etc. That you want to help, and if he can discuss what he needs from you, you will listen and have a plan that you are both happy with going forward. But, you also need to explain, that certain things are making you feel overwhelmed and perhaps a little resentful and let him know which behaviours are not OK with you. It might take a little while for things to improve but being firm but loving and patient, should help.

It sounds difficult for you both, make sure you look after yourself too.

Here's some advice from someone who suffers from LSE...

1. PATIENCE (above all)
2. Understanding
3. Support
4. All the reassurance he needs

I understand it's exhausting (believe me, I've been told) but sadly that just makes us feel worse. It's not deliberate... just be there for him in any way you can. Pushing him away will make him feel worse. Just be gentle with his feelings.

Make sure you do things for yourself though, that's also so important, but try not to tell it's because he's pissing you off ...

I do feel for you OP, it's really challenging for both to be going through this. x

All the reassurance he needs? That’s really unfair for a partner to be expecting that tbh. Hopefully, he can get some through counselling too.

@Getonwithit1 that sounds some tough. I really feel for you. Not only are you having to deal with your partner changing a lot physically and psychologically in such a such space of time but you’re having to reassure him so much. I’d find this very draining.

Hope he finds the will to change with the counselling/medication.

Look after yourself too. All the best.

From a different angle this sounds a bit like he is having a long drawn out break down. Do you think he could be depressed? Is the medication for depression or something else. If he going to counselling then at least he has realised that something is wrong and he is trying to work on it which is good.

Gawd. Don't listen to @alittlefickle. This is how martyrs are made. You should not be expected to provide compliments and reassurance on demand.

A person with low self-esteem will only feel better in the very short term by a compliment. It is never enough and it does not get to the root of the problem. His needs are not more important than your own.

Hopefully the couselling will help.

I don't agree with this. It's important to be mindful of his feelings, but it's exhausting and unsustainable for OP to have to provide constant reassurance. It won't make her husband's problems better and it will chip away at the marriage.

I used to have similar issues to your husband OP and the only thing that helped was therapy, because it had deep-rooted causes from my childhood. The other thing that helped was pursuing hobbies, interests and friendships independently of my then-partner and not just with him. It's of course important to nurture any relationship, but IMO it's crucial to have a rich and fulfilling life outside the relationship too. I gradually began to realise that my value and wellbeing wasn't just tied to keeping hold of my partner and I stopped fearing that loss so intensely.

It’s important to note that many anxiety and depression medications have a side effect of weight gain. He should ask his GP or counsellor to refer him to the NHS weight management program. They offer help in losing weight both one on one and other things like a voucher for three free months of slimming world. They have other options too, it all depends on how much weight he has gained, if he’s got other health complications like diabetes or hypertension due to the extra weight and how much it is affecting his mental state. Ask for the referral. It shouldn’t be his problem to solve without professional support.

I found the NHS website on this that has more information
www.nhs.uk/better-health/lose-weight/additional-weight-loss-support/