Wife thinks is am lazy

drivencrazy178 · 2022-04-29T22:12:37+00:00

My wife thinks I am lazy. We have 2yr old who I wanted to share maternity leave for but was denied. My wife refused to share it snd took a full year off. She has since returned to work 4 days a week I work 5 days a week, I start at 7.30 and finish between 4.30 and 5pm, generally without a break. My wife decided to take Mondays off to be with our child, again there was discussion or possibility that I could miss a day to be with out daughter. Due to moving home I have ended up assuming all nursery duties. Tues - Fri I get our daughter up, dress/clean/feed her and take her on the half hr drive to nursery. I pick her up and generally also feed hr on an evening. Most bedtimes are also done by me. I cook tea at least 4/5 nights a week. My wife has recently started to imply I need to do more? I am at a loss as to what else I can do?? Aibu?

Notimeforaname · 30/04/2022 00:22

Slumds like you do a fair amount. Do you do any cleaning or shopping or other life admin or just drop offs and cooking? What's the list of things she does ?

Notimeforaname · 30/04/2022 00:23

Sounds like*

BettyForgety · 30/04/2022 00:23

You again!?

WhatsitWiggle · 30/04/2022 00:38

Who does:
House cleaning
Washing up
Clothes washing and drying
Ironing and putting away
Menu planning
Food shopping
Bill paying
Household admin
Child admin - gp, dentist, any nursery issues
Takes time off work when child is ill
Buys clothes for growing child

You clearly feel you do enough and your wife disagrees. So you need to write down everything that needs doing in a typical week/month and agree a fair share of responsibilities. That doesn't mean taking the bins out when your wife says will you take the bins out. It means checking each day whether the bins are full, taking them out when they are, and putting a new bin bag in. Full responsibility of the task.

Pixiedust1234 · 30/04/2022 06:54

Work out who does what. Work out who has the most free time.

By the way, even if all things are equal are you the type of person that dumps things everywhere and expects your wife to clean up after you? For example you bathe your child. Do you empty the bath, swish the bubbles away, tidy up bath toys, pick up clothing, hang up towels? If you just dry your child and leave the bathroom as though a bomb has hit it...well yeah, you are very lazy. And selfish, and entitled.

OnlySoAnHour · 30/04/2022 07:07

🙄

girlmom21 · 30/04/2022 07:11

Sounds miserable. What else does she think you should do?

Sofielou · 30/04/2022 07:16

WhatsitWiggle · 30/04/2022 00:38

Who does:
House cleaning
Washing up
Clothes washing and drying
Ironing and putting away
Menu planning
Food shopping
Bill paying
Household admin
Child admin - gp, dentist, any nursery issues
Takes time off work when child is ill
Buys clothes for growing child

You clearly feel you do enough and your wife disagrees. So you need to write down everything that needs doing in a typical week/month and agree a fair share of responsibilities. That doesn't mean taking the bins out when your wife says will you take the bins out. It means checking each day whether the bins are full, taking them out when they are, and putting a new bin bag in. Full responsibility of the task.

This.

Who carries the mental load?

It sounds like you do a fair amount from your OP, but it very much depends on what else needs doing. Is your wife left with more to do than you do? If so, then I can see why she feels the way she does.

JennyForeigner · 30/04/2022 07:27

Pixiedust1234 · 30/04/2022 06:54

Work out who does what. Work out who has the most free time.

By the way, even if all things are equal are you the type of person that dumps things everywhere and expects your wife to clean up after you? For example you bathe your child. Do you empty the bath, swish the bubbles away, tidy up bath toys, pick up clothing, hang up towels? If you just dry your child and leave the bathroom as though a bomb has hit it...well yeah, you are very lazy. And selfish, and entitled.

Haha This is my husband. He's a good dad and does a lot, but the simple act of spooning baby food in only results in used spoons, baby wipes and dirty bibs strewn around when one parent is responsible.

I feel better about it driving me nuts now!

Original poster

drivencrazy178 · 30/04/2022 07:27

List of things we do:

Wife:
More of the cleaning
Menu planning
Clothes shopping
Ironing/putting away

Me:
Docs/dentist
More of the Cooking
Laundry
Washing up
Bill paying
Household admin

I honestly feel I do more than my fair share. I have less free time by quite a way.

OP posts:

JennyForeigner · 30/04/2022 07:28

Sorry, that was meant as a quote tweet for @pixiedust1234

Not sure where the quote got to.

girlmom21 · 30/04/2022 07:28

I honestly feel I do more than my fair share. I have less free time by quite a way.

And what does she say when you tell her this?

Notimeforaname · 30/04/2022 07:31

Write all that up on a chart at home. She'll see then

BarbaraofSeville · 30/04/2022 07:31

At the risk of this being serious, rather than you having a moan because you do more than get up, go to work, come home and put the bins out, you could implement the Fair Play system:

www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

BarbaraofSeville · 30/04/2022 07:33

Although now I feel I must point out that my last post looks very much like I have assumed that you are a man, so apologies for that. You could also be a woman with a wife and a child.

IncompleteSenten · 30/04/2022 07:34

What does 'more' mean? What specifically does she want you to do?

ChiselandBits · 30/04/2022 07:34

Can you answer the but about complete chores? Do you tidy the bathroom after bathing the child? Do you just do the task assigned to you or see what needs doing independently? I'm not saying you're in the wrong but just doing the chore that someone else has thought of and prepped for (replacing kids shampoo, putting the towels through a wash etc) is only half the task.

Original poster

drivencrazy178 · 30/04/2022 07:45

ChiselandBits · 30/04/2022 07:34

Can you answer the but about complete chores? Do you tidy the bathroom after bathing the child? Do you just do the task assigned to you or see what needs doing independently? I'm not saying you're in the wrong but just doing the chore that someone else has thought of and prepped for (replacing kids shampoo, putting the towels through a wash etc) is only half the task.

This may be something I could work on.

In general I am pretty good at completing tasks but I am sometimes guilty of leaving "bits" of things undone. I can understand how that could be annoying now you point it out.

On the other side though my wife refuses to help at all in the garden so that always lands on me.

I do feel there are some things that need to balance out - Tues to Fri it often feels like I am a lone parent. I have generally done a the childcare/nursery etc, got up earlier, worked more hours and often cooked and cleaned up afterwards.

Whenever we discuss this it turns into an argument.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 30/04/2022 11:31

You don't like each other whatsoever clearly. It's not mandatory to stay together.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 30/04/2022 23:47

What does your wife so tue to Fri and who does all the other things you've not listed like buy dd clothes, notice dd needs clothes, buy presents for and from dd, arrange birthday parties etc. Etc.

Rainbowqueeen · 30/04/2022 23:57

What time does your DD get to nursery if you start work at 7.30 and drop her at nursery first which is a half hour drive away?? I’d be reassessing how the household runs based on that alone.

If you are leaving tasks unfinished then yes I think your wife is justified in complaining. So I’d focus on that. Tell her that you recognise that this is an issue, ask her to confirm that this is a problem for her, tell her you intend to lift your game and then do it.

if that is not the problem then maybe you need to sit down together and completely reassess who does what around the house so that you both think it is fair. The thing that strikes me is that you are doing the cooking (which for many people is a hobby) and the childcare (which many people would view as bonding time) while she does the drudge stuff. Maybe that needs to change??

milkyaqua · 01/05/2022 01:00

Your wife, who you resent, has started to 'imply' that you need to do more, and you are 'at a loss' as to what more you could do.

Seriously? Ask your wife.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 01/05/2022 01:14

One if the most frustrating things st home for me are the unfinished tasks, so maybe its that?

So DH cooks dinner. But uses every utensil and doesn't make any effort to tidy, like literally uses something then leaves it where it is. It takes seconds to put it in the dishwasher or sink full of hot soapy water. Or bath time like a PP suggests, or doing laundry consisting of putting it in the washing machine and switching it on.

The mental load is also something to consider. As PP's suggest, sit down with your partner and write everything down, you might be surprised!