To give DGoddaughter’s money to nephew?

[Iyrdgyghfcd]

DGD is nearly four. Her DM and I have been friends for many years. Her DM is unreliable and largely we’re only still friends due to history. She constantly cancels, forgets plans, changes them last minute, and I have all but given up on bothering. I know I won’t though, and we’ll continue to see each other a couple of times a year, and I’ll continue to get annoyed when she cancels plans.

I always buy my DGD Christmas and birthday presents. I always bought a small birthday gift for my DF, but this year it was not reciprocated. It’s not the money that bothers me, it’s the lack of thought and effort.

Since I was asked to be DGD’s godmother, I have put a small amount of money away for her each month. Not a great amount, but enough for her to get a new car or put towards a house deposit, or whatever, when she turns 30, which is when I intended to give it to her.

My nephew was born two years ago, and I have put the same aside each month for him.

However, I’m beginning to get so annoyed with DF’s absolute lack of effort that I’m considering putting DGD’s money into DN’s pot. AIBU?

I know it’s not DGD’s fault, but I really am wondering why I spend money every year on her presents when her mother can’t be bothered to remember plans continuously. I won’t stop the presents as DGD would notice that, but no one knows about the small amount of savings.

It sounds as if you'll still have the opportunity to form an independent relationship with DGD. Also sounds as if she may need it. Her mum is probably like this with everyone. She won't have as strong a team of adults behind her as your nephew. I'd stick with her.

It's always good to save no matter who or why you are doing this. If your DF doesn't know about the money then keep saving and decide what to do with it once your nephew and your GD are older?

It's your money and if you've changed your mind what to do with it, that's nobody's business but yours.

Tricky. Many people are asked to be GP to friends’ children and subsequently drift apart. The idea, of course is that you have a special relationship with the child but if the friend isn’t even bothering now it’s hard to imagine you’ll even know one another in 26 years,

Maybe put the money aside and decide how to use it much later? Maybe you’ll have more DNor N or have DC/ more DC yourself.

in the meantime I’d continue to make an effort with the child but not so much the adult if that’s possible.

I’m on the fence on this one. I’m going to ask lots of questions - but I am not trying to guilt trip you here. (There is waaaay too much of that on MN atm!) What is your friend like as a mum? Has she always been a flake? Is she likely to be a flake when your goddaughter is a teen and needs someone reliable in her life? Does your friend have decent, reliable adults around to be there for that kid if you’re not around? Can you see this kid turning to you in ten or twelve years and asking “What happened? Why did you disappear from my life?” or are you already forgotten?

Does your friend contribute anything to your well-being? Do you think she genuinely cares about you and those you love? Can you imagine life without her in it being richer or lonelier? (Sometimes it’s a relief to let a friend go. Sometimes it’s a heartbreak.)

You’ve got 26 years to decide. I’d keep saving and make your mind up later on- you may have a good relationship with DGD or none at all.

It's your money, do what you'd like with it. While I think it would be a really lovely gesture to give your GD a lump sum she won't be expecting I likely wouldn't wait until 30 but 18 or 21. She might waste it but its her choice, if you don't want to pay into it anymore maybe put it in a higher interest account and leave it alone for a while and continue paying into your DN money pot. I think you've already put a lot of thought into this and you've started really early so have time to think through what you actually want to do and if you've already done more than enough considering the circumstances.

It’s your money, you can decide what to do with it. There’s no obligation to give it to either child.

why don’t

Keep saving and decide based on what your relationship is like in 26 years. You may have a wonderful relationship with your Goddaughter and no relationship with her mother by then. Who knows?

I think i would wait to see if you form an independent relationship with her as an adult. You may lose contact with her once she leaves home even if you stay in contact with your friend. As a 30 year old, it might feel a bit odd for her to receive money from someone she has not seen for years and has no real personal relationship with (although i am sure she wont say no!).

Your DGD is only 4 years old. You need to establish a relationship directly with her in a few years. My DGD was close to our family until age 8, when her family moved away. I sent cards and gifts but got no response. When she turned 16, she got in touch with me. She had never received the cards and the "gifts" were presented as being from her mother. Once she learned the truth we reunited and have a close relationship. PLEASE do not punish her for her mother's behavior.

This is good advice. Whilst personally I would lean towards giving this money to your nephew instead, there’s no reason why you have to combine the pots right now. You can keep saving and make your decision later.

BTW, you sound like a very kind auntie/godmother 😊

I would keep saving and see how close you are to goddaughter and nephew when they are 30. Give it to who is important to you when the time comes or split it. If you friend and goddaughter are close in 26 years then I expect you will want to carry on as planned, but you may find you drift apart or some other need/want for the money comes up between then and now. I don't think it is a decision for now.

That said I might mention to friend you are hurt about gifts if that is causing an issue for you. But if she is a good friend in other ways I could over look this.