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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why you’re still with your partner who cheated.

21 replies

CoffeeKeepsMeUp · 29/04/2022 15:00

As the title says really, why are you still together?
was speaking to a friend today who is distraught that her partner has cheated (again) but is adamant she’s staying, not only because they have a child but because she thinks it’s pissing the Ow off.

I have no more advice to give her other than leave. Maybe I could forgive once, but I couldn’t do it over and over again and certainly not if he continued to go back to the same woman.

so why did you stay or if you left after a long time what made you leave?

OP posts:

PurassicJark · 29/04/2022 15:05

Well she's given her reasons although one is a tad childish. Many people stay because they don't want to be alone, or stay for the kids, or just simply don't care and accept cheating as a means to an end (usually the wives of rich husbands).

I wouldn't. I'd take them to the cleaners if married.

Original poster

CoffeeKeepsMeUp · 29/04/2022 15:07

He’s nowhere near rich, in fact I don’t know what she sees in him. The man is a total cocklodger.

OP posts:

Marvellousmadness · 29/04/2022 15:08

She sounds like she lacks self esteem and self respect. Sad really

RitaFaircloughsWig · 29/04/2022 15:09

It sometimes depends on how long they have been married - eg the assets, for some women it is the realisation that they won't get that new car or same lifestyle if they fly solo , for some it is the realisation that they have given a lifetime for this man and his job and they are not giving up the pension and the house to some newcomer, yes there may be that element of "getting one over" on the OW. There are many many reasons. Many do not want their children to grow up in a "broken" family. Fear of the unknown is another. Sunk cost fallacy. If you have never been there then you have no idea how you would react. For me it was paralysis and fear. It only got worse though and I should have ditched him then as opposed to 5 years later.

wonderwoman26 · 29/04/2022 15:19

I forgave my partner, but this was a drunken 'ONS' with a stranger, not an on going affair.

A full blown affair, then no i dont imagine i could get over that.

But a drunken ONS with a stranger - i wont go into detail as there isn't need - but from what i know to be true i visualise it as a huge mistake on his part, and we are all entitled to mistakes. It helps to know there was no emotional connection, the physical aspect is one thing but an emotional link would be harder to forgive.

But the reason i stayed really, after months of deliberation, was his actions. His refusal to accept his binge drinking issues have now been faced head on, and i know he wont be putting himself in that position to allow it to happen again. He has changed lots of aspects of his life to prove to me it wouldnt happen again, whist consistently putting me first in everything.

But he also knows this forgiveness i have shown is a one time thing, i couldnt go through that heart break over and over again. There are many reasons people stay i guess, but for me i wasnt prepared to lose my life as i knew it over a 10 minute drunken fumble. And i am now happier than ever, whilst i wish it had never happened obviously - i am now in a much more fulfilling relationship with a man who worships the ground i walk on

Noorandapples · 29/04/2022 15:25

Maybe she can't afford to leave and set up home elsewhere, maybe she can't afford divorce or custody battle, maybe she would rather stick pins in her eyes than not see her child every day. Maybe she still loves him and is hoping he'll see the error of his ways. Maybe she needs someone to say hey I can help you pack and drive you and your child to my house to stay while you get yourself on your feet!

Original poster

CoffeeKeepsMeUp · 29/04/2022 15:39

They aren’t married and the goat they rent is in her name only, so that side of things she’s very settled in and is more than able to take care of herself and dc.

My own dcs father had an affair so I do know what it feels like to be cheated on, I however couldn’t stay it just wasn’t what i wanted for my life.

OP posts:

Onlyforcake · 29/04/2022 15:40

My friend stayed with the cheating p o s. I'd say because of very low self esteem. I mean, mines bad. You'd have to have none to stay with someone who literally has no value for you. I've read so many cheaters justifying themselves on here, no respect for their partners, awful humans. So grim.

Amandasummers · 29/04/2022 15:45

I've stayed. Repeatedly. I don't know why. I love him. I don't know why. I'm not sure I have low self esteem - I know im worth more and don't doubt I'd get it from someone else...but I want it from him? It is sad. Its a horrible existence 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

CoffeeKeepsMeUp · 29/04/2022 15:52

It Must be awful!
I know how I felt when my ex cheated, I couldn’t continue living my life like that every time he done it.

OP posts:

ThreeRingCircus · 29/04/2022 15:54

I think often it's total fear of the unknown and an inability to imagine your life without them.

Mine is a bit different in that my now ex partner cheated repeatedly. Thank goodness we weren't married and didn't have children. But I did forgive him, I loved him and I was frightened of living my life without him in it. It was unimaginable to me. I wish looking back I'd had the strength to walk away but I just didn't, it was him that ultimately ended things. I'm not sure if it's lack of self esteem in my situation.....possibly. I think I was just desperately clinging to my life as I knew it.

I did move on and met someone else, now married and with two DDs. I have no idea what I'd do if I found out he'd been unfaithful to me, I'd like to hope I'd have enough self respect to leave but a lot would depend on the circumstances of the cheating.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 29/04/2022 15:54

I'm sure when you've been betrayed so badly like she has you go through a process of grieving for what's been taken from you ... people often act/talk in ways that may not appear rational to others when they are grieving. I wouldn't judge her but just be there for her.

In terms of your question I'm not really sure but (especially when kids are involved) it's not as easy as just walking away at least not immediately.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 29/04/2022 15:58

I think often it's total fear of the unknown and an inability to imagine your life without them.

///

I've not experienced it but I'm sure if I did this would be huge. As if everything before was a lie and I'm unable to picture how the hell the future looks. On top on the heartbreak, anger, betrayal there would be real fear.

Original poster

CoffeeKeepsMeUp · 29/04/2022 16:02

I don’t judge her I know how hard it is to walk away and I struggled with it for a long time, but knew in the long run I would be better off.
I was right my ex cheated on all his subsequent partners and is now misarable living with a woman he really doesn’t want to be with.

They have been together 6 years and he has cheated throughout their relationship and long before they had their child, so it isn’t new he does it so blatantly all his friends know as do his family.
I just want to shake her and make her see sense, she is so much better than this and deserves better.

OP posts:

HorribleHerstory · 29/04/2022 16:06

I’m not that bothered. I don’t think of it as cheating as I’ve never promised anyone I won’t have sexual or emotional relationships with other people, and no one has ever promised me that either. The world tells us that at some unspecified point, in order to be in a relationship with someone, you have to forsake all others, but I’m not sure that’s always the right thing, or healthy. It seems imposed on couples by society and outside factors.

For example, I wouldn’t want a close friendship with someone if it meant I couldn’t have a close friendship with anyone else, forever. Nor could I really say for sure that I’d definitely always want to be close with that person.

Sexual relationships aren’t exactly the same of course, there are other factors at play. But we are just human beings, and we all go through different things in life when we need different things. It’s tough to get all of those things from one person, all of the time.

There is nothing wrong with my self esteem. I have a happy life and relationship, I’m not financially reliant on anyone. I wouldn’t want anyone to stay with me because they promised to years ago, they felt they have to and are unhappy. There are many things I have not and would not forgive. But I don’t agree that “cheating” is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship, there are far FAR worse things. I’m not a swinger or anything, and am pretty monogamous, but life happens and sex/love/affection isn’t high on my list of bad things.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/04/2022 16:07

I have not experienced this in a marriage with children and I accept that this makes things far more complicated.

But it did happen to me in a relationship and it was just the loss of trust ultimately that did for it. I convinced myself initially as per a pp that I wasn’t throwing a 3 year relationship away because of a drunken one night stand. Intellectually I could justify that but I never got past the point of feeling deeply resentful and that I just couldn’t trust him.

It was impossible for me not to think all the time about where he was and who he was with and I started to feel like our lives together were built on dishonesty. It made me lose a sense of intimacy with him, it devastated my self esteem and eventually I just lost respect for him.

I don’t judge people who stay because I know life is complicated. But I don’t really understand how people can square the circle.

BlackAndPinkNose · 29/04/2022 16:11

As a PP said, there are lots of factors that can influence someone's decision.

I remember feeling utterly petrified of the thought of a future alone, wondering how I would manage financially etc

In reality it was much easier once he was gone and I wish I had done it sooner.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/04/2022 16:15

@CoffeeKeepsMeUp

I can sort of understand your position from an intellectual perspective. Relationships can be very limiting and I don’t necessarily believe anyone is designed to stay together in perpetuity.

But for me at an emotional level it would destroy the underpinnings of the relationship. I love my current boyfriend for many reasons but the greatest of these is his kindness and consideration towards me and my daughter. If I knew he had a quick shag with someone and not told me - or worse, an actual affair - it would blow a massive and irreparable hole through my emotional concept of who he is and how we relate to one another.

I may not cut him off forever but I sure as shit would not want to sleep with him or share vulnerability with him. It would destroy the logic of him being my boyfriend as opposed to some bloke I know who’s OK.

Original poster

CoffeeKeepsMeUp · 29/04/2022 16:16

I also feel as though she made a huge mistake having a child with him and she wanted to have a baby as she thought it would change him.
he had previously made her get two abortions as he wasn’t ready.
he isn’t a nice guy.

OP posts:

Mumoblue · 29/04/2022 16:19

I don’t understand why anyone chooses to stay with a cheater (I don’t count people who have to stay because of finances/logistics/fear as “choosing” to stay).

I tried, because I thought it was what was best for our son for us to reconcile. But I quickly realised that was a load of waffle and us being in the same house was much worse for our kid than us just breaking up.

HorribleHerstory · 29/04/2022 16:34

Making someone get abortions is worse to me than being affectionate or sexual with someone else outside of the relationship. (I support her right to choose abortion but it does not sound like that was the case here).

If I was making a thread like this, I would be leading with, why does my friend choose to stay in this relationship with a man who forces/coerces her into multiple abortions.

I feel the perspective is skewed. (Make love not war)

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