Hi all. I'm pregnant and currently feeling the urge to avoid contact with my SO's parents.
Here's a summary: since we announced the baby, my FIL is excessively friendly and my MIL has been trying to get close to me, physically and otherwise. She's called me affectionate childish names for the first time (cringe), she puts her hand on my waist when she approaches me to tell me something, and her babying of me has spiked ("did you have dinner?" "Sit on the couch, not on the chair (x15 times)"). The other day she asked me to go out for dinner with her sisters and in laws, I said I had plans, so she insisted that everyone walk me to the place where I was headed, but no one wanted to move yet, so she reluctantly let me go. Earlier she also opened the door to the bedroom where I was sleeping without knocking (knowing I was there), caught me getting dressed, just stood there while I told her to give me a few minutes and did not apologise, just said "sure, take your time". You get the picture. Do I need to scream "I need space!!!"?
I have the urge to withdraw from this kind of treatment because I feel it's manipulative. What my gut tells me that is going on is: you're finally fulfilling your purpose in this family, you're bringing my grandson into this world, so you're now part of the family and I should be close to you because I want closeness with your child as well. Why else have things suddenly changed after knowing her and my FIL for almost a decade? It's not that they were unkind before, but but they showed much less enthusiasm when we met.
And some context:
So my MIL is fundamentally a good person, but very, very stubborn/ narrow minded. There is one way to live life and it's the "acceptable way". This view is strongly shared by my FIL as well.
Turns out their kids grew up to have different hobbies than them, different religious beliefs, different priorities, different acceptance threshold. One of those kids is my SO and I am also different. I consider myself a very open and tolerant person.
I find that they don't know me very well, that my undocile personality makes them uncomfortable and that they show no interest in me as a person. Absolutely none. What they don't understand, they don't care about, they just change topics. I try to talk about things that we might have in common (e.g. gardening) and I never get her to actually engage in a interesting conversation. It's just a shallow exchange. They are not much better in that sense with their own kids, so I don't take that too personally.
She also has the role of family manager. She manages everyone and everything, all the time. Tells the husband to lower his voice or be quiet (if he's talking about something he's passionate about), cooks and serves the food, constantly checks in on everyone (do you want another piece? Try the stew. Are you hungry?). She even tells everyone where to sit at the table. The managing takes like 95% of her attention during a family meal. Everything revolves around it.
She literally babies her daughter, who's in her mid 30's—talks to her like she's 5 years old, pushes her to accept her choice of furniture, even bought her a house. If we sit on the couch after lunch to watch a film, she will start to gently scratch her daughter's back under her clothes. All of this, but particularly the scratching part makes me extremely uncomfortable. The daughter just takes on this passive role, barely talking, like she's a child again. We're all children being taken care of.
She does not baby us as much because my SO wouldn't allow it and I, well, I wouldn't allow this kind of behaviour in my own mother, who I am very close with btw. I try to be kind but with the years have grown real tired of the family dynamics. I like to be treated as an adult, not as a child that needs tending to. I would like to interact normally with my SIL and PIL but have decided that it's impossible. We can't have adult dynamics, the hierarchy is deeply rooted. I just sit through the meals until they are over and try to be polite.
Also, all their kids resent them very much for this "forever-parents" attitude. Some have learnt to live with it, but do not like it. It's a source of conflict between my SO and his parents because he feels treated like a child and missunderstood.
I would have loved to have a real connection with her/ them, as friends, just like I have with my own parents. However, it wasn't possible. I have always been treated kindly, but I don't feel seen or heard. Also, I am a private person and do not appreciate unwanted managing of my affairs. Luckily for me, I am not afraid to establish my boundaries.
So I am pregnant with my first baby and their first grandson. They were absolutely thrilled to find out. Perhaps too much? Some remarks were made during Christmas dinner by my MIL... She let us know that she wasn't a grandmother yet and she disapproved of that. I was internally furious. How dare anyone put that kind of pressure on anyone else? But I put my knife down and just smiled through the whole ordeal. For context, my own parents' attitude is: do whatever makes you happy and we'll be happier even. It's very hard for me to put up with demands and expectations that I have not endured at home.
I'm terrified that they are assuming that my baby is going to become their new passtime, or worse yet, that looking after him is going to be their new life purpose, or that he is going to bring meaning to their stale lives. I fear that we will be manipulated with kindness into allowing them to be useful, and that they will not treat us as capable adults who have the right to look after their baby, and it's making me withdraw from them. However, withdrawing is not sustainable as they'll have to spend time with their grandchild and I am the mother. Any advice?
Thank you for your time.