To be upset by my colleague’s aloofness?

[Eternaltourist]

Name changed as this feels a bit teenage, but it’s upsetting me, so please give me a boot up the backside if I’m BU!!

joined a new team about 6 months ago. Get on with everyone at work. The team socialises a lot after work, which is nice.

However, there’s one bloke who seems to studiously avoid me at group trips to pub. At first I thought I was being paranoid, but it’s definitely a thing. We get on well enough at work and don’t detect any antipathy.

am not really sure what I’m doing wrong! Has anyone else experienced this?

am just bemused by it all!!

Is it the other way, that he likes you but doesn’t want a relationship so keeping well away in the social group?

Maybe you’re very annoying and don’t realise it.

No one here can tell you why this is happening, especially based on the above information.

Well, it’s rare for everyone to like everyone within an arbitrary work grouping — why is it so upsetting for you to think someone doesn’t like you? Isn’t it just a fact of life in situations that aren’t self-selecting. He behaves professionally at work and doesn’t show obvious antipathy. Isn’t that enough?

Maybe he has a crush on you and feels awkward

Well if he's fine in work, it's hard to say.

Is he married, are you. Does he just want a quick drink and you stay all night, or vice versa. Is it a large group, does he have close friends he's worked with for years and you are tagging along, is he senior, are you chatting about work, he's not.

It's impossible to guess just not enough info. What exactly is he doing.

Honestly?

I wouldn't give it headspace. Just stick to those who want to chat socially. So much easier and less angsty.

I had something similar, but it was in work too and we had to work just the 2 of us quite a bit and it got on my nerves! So I asked him why he didn’t like me, basically he said I was common, and not the kind of person he can relate too (not those words but that’s the jist) and oddly it helped our relationship and took the awkwardness away, we never became friends exactly, but we happily worked in silence without me feeling like I had to make an effort and by the time he left we were on friendlier terms. Would have been 2 very uncomfortable years had I not asked, though I still don’t know how I did it, I was a timid young thing back then.

I don’t think I’d notice if someone was chatting to me or not on a group work trip to the pub…but if you’re not especially close then maybe he’s just talking to people who he’s more friendly with? Is there a reason you can think of why you’re finding this upsetting?

I totally get how ridiculous this sounds.

am not necessarily asking people to tell me why he doesn’t like me…more just how to deal with it. @Brainfogmcfogface I suspect it’ll be something like you faced- I.e; a totally random reason.

I get that no-one is liked by everyone, but can’t say I’ve ever experienced this. There are people I haven’t liked at work, but will still chat to them in the pub for 5 minutes.

for context, we are both about the same age, same level and both married. I actually thought we’d get on well as we are in similar stages of life. but have lost count of times where he’ll avoid the seat next to me.

as for a crush, I don’t think it’s that.

I feel ridiculous for letting this get to me. Why does it matter? I suppose it’s the feeling that I annoy someone so much they avoid me at all costs that’s quite hurtful.

as pps have said, I shouldn’t give this headspace.

but suppose am just clutching at straws hoping there is a totally normal explanation that isn’t that I’m an annoying dick head, or really boring!

Maybe he’s shy and while he can cope in a safe workplace setting it’s possible he finds a social environment and making small talk overwhelming