When did your boyfriend commit to you?

[DressingUpQueen]

I have a fantastic boyfriend of one year, our relationship has been brilliant, we both have never experienced relationships like this before and love one another. We both have DC from previous relationships who we both get on well with and our DC get on well too. My boyfriend has always stated that he is not sure about having more DC, whereas I don't want mine to be an only child and I really want to be a mum again. This longing has only increased as I've got older and this past year I have started to have issues with my period, so I'd really like to know where I stand, sooner rather than later. I would honestly consider sperm donation as I get older and the age gap gets bigger and bigger.

We've talked about living together and both want to do so, our DC are also keen on this idea, but our living situations at present dictate it's likely to be a year or so before we can live together. We're also not engaged. I have stopped mentioning my want to have more DC as I wanted to see how our relationship progressed. I'm now at the stage where I really want to know where I stand, whether he genuinely sees more DC in our future and on what sort of time scale. I see other couples who have been together 1 year, 18 months, 2 years that are living together, pregnant or had a baby, engaged... WIBU to bring this up with him, and if he's still unsure regarding more DC now that we have spent a (what I would consider intense) year together, seriously reconsider this relationship?

I see other couples who have been together 1 year, 18 months, 2 years that are living together, pregnant or had a baby, engaged...

In those cases are there already children on one or both sides? That does make a difference.

I wouldn’t consider having a baby with a man I hadn’t lived with but I understand not wanting to move in if you’re not sure he’s on the same page. You need to sit down and have a proper chat about where it’s going, that’s normal at a year in. You don’t sound that committed to him if you’re considering a sperm donor. It sounds like you want a baby more than a relationship. Which is fair enough. But you both need to be honest and just chat it through.

I don’t think you can compare relationships but I do think after a year it’s fair to know for definite if he wants more children and what kind of time frame he would imagine this to be on.
honestly I think a year isn’t very long to then have a baby or to move in together when you have the stability of your child’s life to consider but it’s fair to want to know what his thoughts are on all this

Of course you're not unreasonable, in fact you are very sensible to want to know this very fundamental thing before you move in together and spare all that upheaval for your DC if you are not in agreement. Definitely have a chat and lay it all out for him and if he doesn't want them and it's a deal breaker for you, which it sounds like, then end things before your lives get more entwined. I'd be wary of him saying he's not sure, wants to live together first etc. I do think some men will keep saying they aren't sure when the truth is they don't want more but they don't want the relationship to end either! You might have to take ownership of it here and decide "maybe" isn't good enough for you at this stage of your life if you are really set on having more soon. Good luck OP x

I do love him very much, I don't want to be with anyone else.

I guess the point about sperm donation, is I am still young (28) and I'm not ready to give him my chance to be a mum again... I could meet someone else and have a similarly brilliant connection or go down the sperm donation route... I'm just not ready to give up the opportunity of another DC, and I feel time slipping away from me, even though I know I am still young... it's a really difficult one.

I think the period issues have just made things worse, as in the last year my periods have been very irregular... the GP can't find any reason for it, they have literally ruled out everything, so I am fearful that as I get older it could potentially become more and more difficult to fall pregnant.

What other couples do is irrelevant.

Your relationship isn't dictated by what other people do and when.

Just sit down and talk about it openly. Sometimes two people can get along very well but just have different life goals. You can't force or persuade or charm him into having a kid - he needs to want it.

Do not move into together unless it is very clear you both have the same outlook on what your life is going to be.
Do not get financially entwined or dependent unless it's very clear you both want the same thing.

I think you’re in a difficult situation as you both have children and I don’t think your timelines can be compared to child free people.

I believe that when people are in love, and sure about their life partner- they commit quickly as they just know. I bumbled along in a 5 year+ relationship non-committal (minus a house purchase that was beneficial to me) and my soon to be husband also did something similar minus buying property. In less than a year of us meeting, we had moved in. He bought us a house (I’m on the deeds, don’t worry…). Engaged, baby on the way. Getting married soon. Second family home has now been purchased. We’ll be together 3 years in November.

but we were both childfree. I don’t think a timeline like mine is what you’re aiming for when there are multiple kids to consider.

@Suprima I agree in some regard, but also know people who had DC who just 'knew' and have a similar timeline to yours e.g. moved in after 18 months, DC after 2-3 years together. I don't want to end up 'bumbling' along, been there, done that.

I do know that I shouldn't compare timelines. As our DC become more enmeshed and we are making plans together (DC sleepovers, holidays, days out as a family) I'm becoming more and more worried about this entwining of DC and just want to know where I stand. His DC are becoming really fond of me and mine (for example asking when we can move in!), and likewise my DC are the same. I'm scared about all the delicate feelings involved the longer this goes on.

I would still exercise caution- as a year together however intense is very, very early for your families to be completed blended and begging to all move in together. I don’t want to be doom and gloom, but imagine how terrible it will be if your relationship takes a 180 or an exogenous factor forces it to end? I don’t want to be giving smug advice as someone who is enjoying a fast tracked timeline- but I was raised by a single mum and never met a single boyfriend or their kids because appropriate commitment (an engagement) was never established by them.

I don’t think you have anything to lose by being up front about your timeline- saying you want another baby by 30, and you want to be married before, etc. and seeing what he does with that info.

I would just keep an eye on the ‘not sure’. ‘Not sure’ usually means ‘no’ but they don’t want you to end the relationship- particularly if you are playing live-out stepmum already without a ring on your finger.

best of luck- bumbling along is very shit, but I think it’s still early days here

We were together 3 years before we moved in together 5 years before our first baby and engagement then nearly 8 years together and we’ve just had our second baby.

We moved in together after about 8 months which was quick. Got married after 3 years.

There are two major questions.

Does your boyfriend want to have more children?
Does your boyfriend want to have more children with you?

You need a yes to the first one before you discuss if your relationship is stable and commited enough to start planning to bring a child into it.

Me and DH really went head first into our relationship, I don't remember when we officially moved in with each other but tbh we were staying with each other most nights from very early on. I think it just depends on the relationship and your dynamic and the people involved

OP I mean this kindly, but your child and his children will have no cencept of the reality of living with another family that they barely know. I'm surprised they've even met him and especially his children after such a short time.

You say your desire to have another child is driven by your child needing a sibling but they will have no idea what is involved in moving from a house with just their mum, to one with a relatively unknown man and two other children and then a baby. I'd be very, very, surprised if that ends up being a positive experience for them.

Please slow down and put your child first. If that means you have no more children then make peace with that. Blended families are generally terrible for the children involved. It would be even harder here with one child being used to being an only child and suddenly living with siblings who already have a bond.

Take a step back here please and think what is in your child's best interests. You can have a perfectly good relationship without disrupting your respective children's home lives and doubtless this would also take a huge toll on your relationship as well.

If the children on both sides are stable atm and your relationship is happy, why can't you leave things as they are?

You are 28? Why are you even considering this?

Focus on your existing child and giving them a happy childhood.

It's very different with children involved. Parents need to put their needs first.

In all honesty, I think you are asking for a lot when you have only been together one year and circumstances (you both having children) mean you can't move in together straight away. He may also feel overwhelmed that not only are you pushing him and all his children to live with you and yours, but also wanting to add another child into the mix!

Considering the short length of your relationship, this would be a massive upheaval for all involved if your relationship didn't work out - especially considering you're already disagreeing on very important decisions

To put it more bluntly, the whole idea is bonkers. And is not centred around the needs of the children involved.

You've been together one year. Why has he even met your child, or you his, or them each other? You say they're "forming a close bond". Why would you let this happen in the very early stages of dating?

I think you really need to reevaluate your expectations and boundaries OP and out your child first in this. On no planet is what your proposing in his/ her best interests even if they say they want it. They are a child. You are the adult. Behave like it.

Days out together are not in the same realms as the stresses of living together. It's really no ok to do this to your kid.

Sorry happy face was an accident. Clearly not warranted here.