Can't get over the fact my marriage is over

[Summerone1]

It's been many months of separation and I'm still finding it very difficult to get over the fact that my marriage broke down. I hate the fact that I still think about my husband all the time (not necessarily positive and happy thoughts). It was a toxic relationship. He was quite horrible to me and did a lot of things to hurt me, but I always had hope he would change, until this last time. He gave me the silent treatment out of the blue and tbh, I was fed up of trying so, I just reciprocated his silent treatment and cut communication with him. He later, moved out.

I reflect and try to understand why he did what he did (the cheating, lying, degrading etc), but can't find an answer. I was a great wife to him. Went above and beyond for our family. I'm 28 and I feel like I'll never be able to date or trust someone again. I try to stay strong for DC, but I'm really broken and absolutely hate feeling like this. I unfortunately can't afford a therapist and don't have many friends to talk to about this. But, luckily, my family live close by and have been absolutely tremendous in the support they've been giving me and DC.

AIBU to feel like this? Will I ever get over it?

Just to be clear, I don't love him and definitely don't want to be with him.

I didn’t want to read and run. I was left pregnant at the age of 26, partly my own decision as DH at the time had another woman and I refused to be part of his to ing and fro’ing. In time what has happened will fade but it does take take. Make a point of focusing on your children and enjoying them and hopefully that will help him fade out of your life. Thirty years on I know it was the best thing I ever did.

There might be a long wait, but get on the waiting list for NHS therapy.

You deserve to be able to move on, and it sounds as though, understandably, you’re having trouble navigating that by yourself, so therapy after a wait will be better than no therapy ever.

Meantime, with every day that passes, you’re one day further away from the break up, and one day closer to all this feeling easier. Good luck.

I reflect and try to understand why he did what he did (the cheating, lying, degrading etc), but can't find an answer.

You never will find the answer to this, he did it, it was his choice and nothing you could or did do would have prevented him doing so, ultimately he did it because he wanted to.

Don't look to blame yourself, it is not you who failed, if there were things he wanted to change within your marriage he is an adult he could have spoken to you about them like reasonable, fully functioning, adults do but he chose not to.

It will take you a while to recover from this but don't rule out finding someone else if that is what you want, use this experience to weed out those who don't deserve you. Don't think you can change people you can't, people will only change if they want to.

For now put your energy into you and your children he doesn't deserve any of your time or thoughts.

Good luck.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to feel sad about the breakdown of your relationship, regardless of what he was like.

I’ve read before that it takes a month for each year of the relationship, but of course a lot depends on how intense things were and how badly hurt you were, so not an exact science by a long way!

If it helps I was totally broken about 4 months ago and now I’m finally getting through some days without feeling bereft and wishing things had worked out another way, but I do think about him several times a day. I was with my ex for 9 years and it was the toughest thing I ever did saying goodbye, but I knew I wouldn’t be happy if I stayed either, so it had to be done.

In some ways I think it’s almost harder having to decide to split than if he’d made the choice to leave me, but I don’t know of course.

Either way it’s a huge shock to suddenly lose someone who was a massive part of your life so it’s no wonder you’ve been struggling with it. I honestly think if you can scrape together some money for therapy it could be worth it’s weight in gold, see it as an investment in yourself, but if not there are lots of books and online content that can help you, even just following inspirational people on social media etc can help. I see a lot of posts by Barb Schmidt and Marc Anthony Poet that say just the right thing when I need to hear it! As well as some spiritual souls like Cornerstone Spiritual Healing if you’re a little bit ‘woo’! Just reframing things can help you to deal with the grief that a loss like this causes. Be kind to yourself, you’re doing the hard work of healing and it will take as long as it takes

I’ve been on the receiving end of several silent treatments from my husband so I understand how broken and devastated you are feeling. It cuts through your self esteem and stability. It’s nasty and degrading. It leaves you with a feeling of utter hopelessness. Well done you for reciprocating and not breaking like I did. In that itself you have shown strength. He was an utter coward. At least you know you never have to go through that again. Is there anything you can do to boost your self esteem? Join a new gym? Evening class? Running club? Get yourself out there and make some new connections.

Have a look at the Freedom Program. You can do it in person or online. It’s a really great program for people who have been in abusive relationships. It’s very helpful

Completely yanbu and you will move on, but accept that you are going through stages of grief - it’s a loss of relationship and a loss of future you thought was set out for you, and everything seems uncertain now. For me, I’m at ease a couple of years in. Sending a virtual hug- it’s an unbelievably shit thing which it’s difficult to understand unless you’ve been there x

Thank you all very much for your advice and support x