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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Consensus if this is odd?

26 replies

Lifegoalsneeded · 27/04/2022 16:21

My close friend is male. Dated years ago but now friends. We text daily and have hobbies in common which we do together. Meet up weekly.

I supported him through a crisis last year where existing friends and family didn’t. He said when it ended I was his most valued friend and he would forever be grateful. He does do nice things for me or help me with things.

he is dating now and tells me he always talks about me on first dates. He makes sure the girls are ok with him having a female best friend. He then tells me after the date of the are cool with it or not. Most say they are, but few dates down the line say they are uncomfortable with me as they have found out we dated.

I have asked him not to do this as I feel it is odd. I don’t tell my dates I specifically have a male best friend. I just assume if someone is decent they accept my friends regardless of gender.

I feel he is ruining relationships with how militant he is about them knowing about us. I have said when we meet people we will naturally see less of each other. Also said if our friendship is stopping him finding love, then I will step aside. He said no his potential partner will understand.

so is this odd, or have I got dating wrong?

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 27/04/2022 16:24

There have been many, many women on here who think it's unacceptable for a man in a relationship to have a female friend, never mind a best friend. I guess he's putting it out in the open to avoid people that think like this.

MerryMarigold · 27/04/2022 16:25

I think he's an adult and he can tell people what he wants as long as it's true. Why do you feel the need to be so judgmental or controlling of what he does? Just because it's not the way you do things doesn't make it wrong or odd. I think if I were dating him, I'd prefer to know up front and I would appreciate the honesty.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2022 16:26

What he tells his dates is none of your business. If it's causing issues, that's his problem. I wouldn't even give this headspace.

nearlyspringyay · 27/04/2022 16:29

'Knowing about us' is telling. One or other of you feels more than the other morning wouldn't even be raised.

AchillesPoirot · 27/04/2022 16:30

I tell (or did when I dated) blokes that my best friend is male so they know up front. If it's a problem they can sod off early before I get invested in them.

Maybe he's doing the same?

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 27/04/2022 16:39

@nearlyspringyay what do you mean? I don’t specifically tell dates about him. It’s more my mate, he… if it’s a relevant story.

@AchillesPoirot that’s why he says he does it. There was a girl he really liked, but she had major jealousy issues with it. She was horrible to me.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 27/04/2022 16:40

I had one guy tell me on a first date that he had a problem with it

A couple said they didn't but went on to have issues with me spending time with my friend.

I wouldn't say your friend is doing the wrong thing in telling them tbh

Pixiedust1234 · 27/04/2022 16:44

I am going with odd. How would this subject come up naturally on a first date without seeming to come across as challenging the other person to an ultimatum?
Sure, on a third date when discussing long term friends or the percentage of male/female, I can see it. Also, depending on how he brought it up, and more specifically his tone of voice, I would feel as though he is trying to challenge my boundaries. Later on once I got to know him better, I wouldn't feel like that.

nearlyspringyay · 27/04/2022 16:50

@Lifegoalsneeded you've given it a thing, by saying 'knowing about us'. If you were just friends it not an 'us'. Odd that it would come up on a first date anyway and even odder that you would be discussing it.

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 27/04/2022 17:03

@nearlyspringyay he brings it up after I ask him how his dates went. Sort of they are cool you are my friend and they accept you. He always mentions it.

I know him and he always does things with purpose. He asks if my dates know about him and they don’t really.

us means friends

OP posts:
nearlyspringyay · 27/04/2022 17:03

He's way invested in you.

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 27/04/2022 17:04

@Pixiedust1234 i agree. He says he wants them to be clear who I am to him.

I am starting to worry he talks about me loads. When I says I would step back for a bit he asked me not to

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 27/04/2022 17:07

@nearlyspringyay as a friend?

We did get close during lockdowns. But not much was happening. He was talking about sliding door moments last week. He said if he didn’t have his breakdown he wouldn’t of lost done friends. I said we probably wouldn’t have been so close now as friends and would of maintained acquaintances.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 27/04/2022 17:30

I've been thinking about this.

The guy who I told on a first date asked me about friends and I was talking about my best friend. And used his name.

The others it came out in chat similarly but not til a later date.

I am on the fence

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 27/04/2022 17:32

@AchillesPoirot nope purposely told he tells them about me

OP posts:
Mangogogogo · 27/04/2022 17:37

He is trying to see if you feel the same as him. To me, it comes across as he wants more and he’s trying to slip stuff like this into conversation.

i have loads of male friends (as do most of the women I know!) and I didn’t make a big song and dance of it when I met my partner, Ive never even given it a second thought. I think it’s really weird and I don’t think he’s weeding out the ones who are bothered, he’s accidentally weeding out the ones who think he’s weird as shit for mentioning it so dramatically.

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 27/04/2022 17:51

@Mangogogogo yeah he does like people with drama. One girl Facebook stalked me and would turn up where he said we would be. A golf course playing 9 holes!!! Waiting in the bar.

maybe he his being innocent or not. If he likes me use his words

OP posts:
LittleMG · 27/04/2022 18:09

If I’m really honest I think if I were to
ask my husband who
his best friend is I’d expect it to be me, not some random woman. If you’re his favourite person why isn’t he with you?

Eggshelly · 27/04/2022 18:14

Lifegoalsneeded · 27/04/2022 17:03

@nearlyspringyay he brings it up after I ask him how his dates went. Sort of they are cool you are my friend and they accept you. He always mentions it.

I know him and he always does things with purpose. He asks if my dates know about him and they don’t really.

us means friends

Really odd he's telling you this as a key bit of info.

perimenofertility · 27/04/2022 18:55

I think it's good of him to bring it up in general, a lot of girlfriends would be uncomfortable with their boyfriend have a close female friend so it's considerate of him to bring that up and check. But it's really odd of him to do that on a first date! First dates should be getting to know each other. If I was on a first date and he mentioned you, I'd assume he had feelings for you, that you were so important in his life he wanted to talk about you on our first meeting, and I'd not bother with a second date. Whether or not he still has feelings for you, only you can know, but that's how it would come across to me.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/04/2022 19:05

LittleMG · 27/04/2022 18:09

If I’m really honest I think if I were to
ask my husband who
his best friend is I’d expect it to be me, not some random woman. If you’re his favourite person why isn’t he with you?

This is silly. You wouldn't say that if he had a male best friend, would you?

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 27/04/2022 20:33

@perimenofertility exactly. I said this to him. He does get second dates. But nothing sticks. Fizzles out.

told him to stop it

OP posts:
ButtockUp · 27/04/2022 20:40

If you're just friends then he doesn't need to bring your name up at the beginning.
Would he feel the need to bring up Trevor's name or Adam's name at the beginning?

There's something amiss here.

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 27/04/2022 20:44

@ButtockUp I don’t know if my name gets mentioned. But he tells me dates know about me and how much valued friend I am due to support

OP posts:
RoseGoldEagle · 27/04/2022 20:52

It sounds to me that he’d like to be more than just friends OP. Are you at all interested in him like that?

It would put me off him on a first date. Not because I’d mind he had a close female friend. But because he seemed to think it worth mentioning, and I’d wonder why- given I’d assume he had friends, both male and female, and singling one out to ‘check I was ok with that’ would make me think- what is going on that I need to be ‘ok’ with?!