To be hurt by this

[Cheeseandlobster]

I have a strange family dynamic. My parents were abusive and toxic so I went no contact a few years ago. They fell out with the family on my mums side years ago so from the age of 9 to 18 I never saw the extended family. When I was 18 I reached out and now have a good relationship with my nan and my auntie. Sadly due to a combination of distance and my mother bad mouthing me I don't really know my uncles though they also no longer speak to my mother either.

If you are still with me thank you.

My nan lives quite a distance from me so I visit every few months and we also speak on the phone. She always says how much she enjoys seeing me and says that I am the only grandchild who bothers with her birthday and Xmas and who phones her to see how she is.

A few years ago we lost my grandad. There are photos of him all round the house and last year I found a lovely photo of him, my nan, me and my ds (plus the dog!) so I got it enlarged and put it in a lovely frame for her as a gift. She said she loved it.

Fast forward to today. I was visiting and she asked me to fetch something from the 2nd bedroom which is tiny and only used for storage. There lying flat covered in dust was the photo and next to it another photo of my ds and I that I gave to her a few years before.

Looking around her living room which is where she spends most of her time are so many dust free on display
photos of the other grandchildren she says don't bother with her along with her ds's (my uncles), my grandad of course, my auntie and my uncles wife who she is really close to. Not one of me or my ds. It's like we don't exist. And I feel hurt by it.

Also she never ever calls me. I call her and when we talk she says how much she loves our chats. She called me once last year and I was thrilled until she said she was checking to see if I had spoken to my auntie as she was worried she couldn't get hold of her.

She is just not that into me is she?

Yes, I'd be hurt. I'd want to ask her about it.

You say you don't speak with your Uncles and your mother has badmouthed you to them in the past?
Could it be that one of them (or the wife after hearing about you) has put your photographs out of the way?

Maybe she meant to reorganise them all and it was upsetting? I can't imagine she doesn't want to see you when she says she appreciates you visiting..

I would find that hurtful

Yep I'd ask her about it then go low contact unless she has some good reasons!

try not to take it to heart op. Family dynamics can be very tricky. If she sees other members of the family more often than you, they may being critical of you and of her if she has your photos on display. Some people, as they grow older, find it difficult to stand up to bossy family members, even if they really want to.

I don't think this is it as my uncles over the last year or so have realised how toxic my mother actually is hence no longer speaking with her now.

I saw them at my grandads funeral and everything was pleasant and friendly. It made me feel sad that I don't know them because of my mother but I think too much has gone on for us to have any sort of relationship now sadly

people don't often place photos deliberately to promote or slight others. they might have an arrangement by chance or because it has been that way for a long time or whatever. It is not normally a big decision.

focus on what your nan says when you actually see her and don't worry about the photos.

I have been thinking about your photos situation a lot and now I feel bad. My own children have given me several framed photos over the years and I only have one up. To put the others up would mean taking something else down (and where do I put that??), or adding it whilst moving stuff around so the room looks and feels balanced, or get a different frame more in keeping (ie I have gold coloured theirs is silver coloured). It can get overwhelming because its not a snap decision so you put it to one side until you can devote more time to the decision process....and before you know it years have passed. And then it gets shoved in a drawer so it doesn't draw attention because it makes you feel bad for not making a simple decision. I mean....how hard is it to put a photo up?? Apparently its very hard. I think i need to apologise to my children.

As for the one making all the phone calls it depends on how she is charged for them and what her income/outgoings are. I am guessing you are on contract with unlimited minutes? She might be charged by the minute. On a basic pension at the moment that would be a huge amount that could be going on food or heating.

I guess I am saying dont overthink these things without having all the information. If she says you make her happy by visiting then believe her. She doesn't have to say it but she does.

I wouldn’t be hurt, but I would be wondering why.
You said it was quite a large blown up photo. There may not be a good place to put it. Also she may not have room to put it up without taking down other photos. So she might have been paralysed by having new photos to put up but not sure how or where to put them up.
She may want them up, but your grandad had done all that before and with him gone, she may want to keep everything the same as it was and not change anything.
Id mention it and listen to what reason she may have. Perhaps offer to help her put them up somewhere else in the house like hall way or kitchen.
i highly doubt she’d go to the effort of having a fake relationship with you if she didn’t really love you and care for you.

I think its strange, unfortunately. My grandparents and parents always make sure there are photos of all the grandchildren. Plus even if it was an accident, or she was keeping the relationship low key because of issues with other family members, they doesn't explain why she never bothers to contact you.

I think you need to have an honest conversation about how you feel

I think I will just have to learn to accept things the way they are. My nan is now in her 90's so I don't want to really put her through that sort of conversation. She says she enjoys my company and I will have to go by this

You are very wise IP. My mother is 91 and she sometimes goes with 'keeping the peace' with the more awkward family members. She would be really upset if this was discussed in any way. She loves you, she enjoys your company and you are wise to say that is enough.