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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What would you do?

24 replies

babyboybluewithnumbertwox · 27/04/2022 12:21

We are approaching 38 weeks pregnant and finalising plans for when labour happens! My sister and her husband have offered to take our almost two year old for however long when things happen which is lovely and super kind, however, my MIL wants to come over for a week before our due date and stay for however long when baby arrives.

MIL would be living with us in our two bed flat where space is already limited... normally when MIL and FIL visit, my partner and I go into the day bed in our sons nursery and they have our bedroom. I don't feel overly comfortable giving up my bed at this stage of pregnancy and not being "free" when labouring at home. With my first, I was in and out of the bath, pacing back and forth in the living room, on the ball etc and I'm not sure how it's going to work with MIL around.

Don't get my wrong she ADORES our son and cannot wait for this new arrival, although, when she does visit she isn't very hands on and has never actually changed a nappy (not even a wet one)... has never made a meal when visiting and tends to just sit and watch our son play which is fine as she probably assumes we have it all covered. We instigate her bathing him which she will happily do but most of the time she won't offer or just do things to help. This is another concern as I feel I will be making sure she is ok and I can see myself running after our toddler whilst she soaks up baby cuddles when he is here. I COULD BE COMPLETELY WRONG and this is where I am asking for some advice and thoughts!

My partner is really upset that I'm on the fence with her visiting and staying with us but I feel it's only a natural reaction considering I'm the one birthing our child and would like to be comfortable in our own home when we are in the early stages... I really don't know what to do and I want to avoid upsetting anyone. What would you do?

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 27/04/2022 12:22

Fuck no.
Your partner is treating you very shoddily/ is being controlling to request this of you.
Push back.

inappropriateraspberry · 27/04/2022 12:29

Nope. No. No way. Tell her you have already arranged things and there isn't room for her.
I wouldn't want my own mother staying for that long, let alone MIL! You could tell her she's welcome to visit during the day, but I have a feeling she'd outstay her welcome.
Why the hell would she want to stay if she's not going to help anyway?
You have to stand up to your husband and spell it out clearly to him.

JustMaggie · 27/04/2022 12:30

Seems to me you're jumping to a lot of conclusions. Maybe get your DH to talk to her and find out what her expectations of the week will be. He could also gently lay down what your expectations would be too. He could remind her of how important those first days are with the baby for bonding and that you would be with the baby and she would be primarily taking care of your first.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 27/04/2022 12:35

Absolutely not! For all the reasons you've listed here, it just wouldn't work. And your partner is being a dick trying to railroad you into allowing this!

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2022 12:37

No fucking way. Is this a joke? Your partner is either crazy, daft or both.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2022 12:37

So you have sorted your sister who presumably lives close to have your 2yo when you go in to labour, so you don't need your MIL. You also don't want your MIL there.

This is a no brainer.

She doesn't come till after the birth.

It's absolutely and utterly your choice.

And if any of you (either your h, your mil or even yourself) think it's not entirely your choice, then you have far far bigger problems.

Aussiegirl123456 · 27/04/2022 12:38

Stick to your guns. You deserve to feel comfortable in early labour in your own home,

ilovemyboys3 · 27/04/2022 12:38

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and would certainly not be giving up my bed now or when baby is here.
I certainly wouldn't want anyone staying with us now or after birth either. I spent 24 hours in early stages of labour last time and it wasn't pleasant. I wouldn't want anyone else here or worrying about others.
Say they are welcome to visit once baby has arrived but you won't be ready for overnight guests until baby is at least 6 weeks old!

Orchidflower1 · 27/04/2022 12:40

No way, just no. MIL can come after baby is born. Your dh needs to step up and sort this now.

runnerbeany · 27/04/2022 12:41

How helpful or not she is isn't relevant, so I wouldn't bother bringing that into it. Point out to your partner that you don't need her for childcare. You don't want anyone at all in the house whilst in early labour. You would love her to visit at some point after the baby is born.
If your OH thinks that the decision on who is present during your labour belongs to anyone except you, he needs a shake!

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/04/2022 12:42

Hell no! Put your foot down and say no way!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/04/2022 12:42

Ask your partner if he would like a visit from a guest on your side of the family prior to going into hospital when he is going demented trying to ignore the pain and again just after he has just had a major medical procedure and may be pissing himself (or worse) and very emotional, crying etc. Would he be comfortable someone that he wasnt exceptionally close to witnessing this, and having to try and host them at the same time? Would it be a reflection on how he felt about that person, or actually would it be nothing to do with that and about doing what was best for him at a time when he really needs to be supported?

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/04/2022 12:43

No one is entitled to an opinion on this except you.

MoveOnTheCards · 27/04/2022 12:45

Tell your partner when he’s squeezing a baby out of his chuff he can invite anyone he likes to stay. Until then, stand your ground. Sounds like a mad situation to even suggest!

hangrylady · 27/04/2022 12:47

No way. Do not agree to this.

imisscashmere · 27/04/2022 12:52

We lived in a small two bedroom flat before my
son was born. Once my labour started we went to the hospital but were sent home because I was only 2cm dilated. I spent maybe six or so hours at home experiencing d&v, sobbing and screaming in pain. I bit my DH on the shoulder at one point. The only thing that could possibly have made this nightmarish scenario worse would have been the presence of another person - let alone my MIL!

everyone is different but it seems daft to have her staying in a confined space at a difficult time, when you have a perfect childcare solution in the form of your sister.

2ndTimeRound90 · 27/04/2022 13:27

No way 🙈 I would put my foot down.
It would be different if she was usually very hands on and helpful, as it would mean less disruption for your toddler.
I had a very long early labour at home over a few days with my first and I was up all night, needing access to the bath, wandering round half naked and in a vulnerable state that I did not want anyone to see me in!

CareBearsCare · 27/04/2022 13:30

Some people haven't read the OP properly. She wants to come when OP is 39 weeks and stay for a bit until baby is born. That could be a 3/4 week stay.

How far away does she live?

SunshineAndFizz · 27/04/2022 13:36

Absolutely not.

Even if you had loads of space didn't have to give up your bed I still would want someone staying with me over this period.

But asking you to give up your bed and stay with you (potentially for weeks) would be a firm no from me.

Is there anywhere else she can stay and just come to visit during the day?

nearlyspringyay · 27/04/2022 13:38

Fuck that.

beachcitygirl · 27/04/2022 14:11

No. Just no. Put your foot down.

babyboybluewithnumbertwox · 27/04/2022 16:58

Thank you so much everyone, this is really helpful and makes me feel less harsh for saying no!!

My partner is on board with everything that I feel, I didn't even have to put up a fight today so he must have realised himself (thank goodness). MIL is aware of our feelings and it's a huge relief to not worry about this now.

OP posts:
babyboybluewithnumbertwox · 12/05/2022 13:55

Update - we had our handsome little boy last week at 38+2 weeks! MIL understood our wishes and will be visiting in June... feeling very happy and in a little love bubble with my family 💙

OP posts:
MoveOnTheCards · 22/05/2022 21:36

Congratulations! Glad it worked out for you and I’m sure your MIL will enjoy her cuddles with her new grandson in June! 💐

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