How do you cope with ADHD when your life is impossibly messy and unpredictable?

[Caffeinemakesmefastandanxious]

I'm drowning.

There are too many messy impossible bits and I don't know where to start to begin achieving anything, or trying to make a difference.

I'm sitting frozen on my settee going round in a typical circle which is - I need to make lunch (not in UK timezone) I want it to be somewhat healthy, so I need to go shopping for veg to make a salad, my tooth started to hurt again, maybe I should look for a dentist as priority and just have toast for lunch, how do I find a kind dentist who will be really patient with me as I'm scared...and just going round in circles. I need to eat. Everything just has too many steps.

I am disabled and there is some stuff up with my health insurance company and I need to sort that. Loads of confusing steps and nightmare being passed from pillar to post involved.

I just have no idea how to prioritise in an organised manner?

Lists really fuck me up. I can write a list of all the massive things that need to be done and just stare blankly at it because they all have five thousand steps? And I find it so impossibly draining to try to break down the tasks in the chronological order they need to be done in for it to be done properly?

Am panicking I just can't make my brain work well enough to live properly. My disability takes a lot of energy to manage and I am trying to support a loved one with cancer from abroad and beyond those things (which I'm doing a shite job at) am like a zombie who can't function.

Also, I have noticed my executive function seems to nosedive more and more the more bad news we get about my loved one with cancer. Is this par for the course with ADHD?

It's like having a rice pudding for a brain.

I find using my phone calendar helps to remind me of tasks with alarms and it helps to put them at reasonable times when I'm more likely to do them. I also do stuff when I remember them as if I put it to one side then I forget.

I also find this website invaluable. It has a menu on the left hand side to browse. Also Sign up to their emails. I've had some really good ones from them.

www.additudemag.com/

Oh and my executive dysfunction gets worse when I am stressed too. My concentration disappears!

Just eat toast today- the time to get the food to eat healthily was yesterday or last week. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just be practical and order or buy the healthy food for tomorrow’s meal, make your toast for today’s meal, and call your dentist.

I find this video helps. More in the minute stuff- when I’m scrolling on my phone I always think this is time I could be doing something else. Instead of scrolling I could have put the washing away, I could be reading a novel, I could order healthy food, I could put the coffee mugs from the morning in the dishwasher etc.

I listen to this video periodically and having implemented just two of her points: 1. getting rid of stuff and making use of natural dead time in the day - for example waiting for the kettle to boil, advert breaks during programmes etc- to do something small I think I don’t have time for and 2. decluttering - having lots of stuff takes up valuable space in my mind which is already taken up by the many distracting thoughts I have in the day.

I’m still very much a work in progress and only just coping!! I don’t get on well with a to do list so I just think of one thing I want to get done each day and celebrate myself if I actually get it done.

I try to keep it simple. The problem with me for something like food is I think of everything: diet, environment etc.. so I simplify as much as possible, go to options, no more consideration, little cooking.

Something like precooked chicken, lettuce, tomato bread.

Pick 4 things, put the together eat them. I have 4 options like this so it's enough for a varied diet but not too much choice.

Once you've decided say lunch over in your head to avoid other distractions.

I'm not saying it's easy as everyone is different, I just have to to options everywhere I go.

List only your top 3 things, don't list everything it's overwhelming.

Just to add please be kind to yourself. Supporting someone with cancer is hard, you're being kind and it's taking up focus. You don't have to eat the perfect meal, as above if all you eat is toast for a day, it's ok.

I'm really sorry that you're struggling. Anxiety definitely decreases my executive function.

There are some schools of thought that hold that ADHD is fundamentally a cluster of psychological symptoms rather than a neurological disorder - I don't agree, but I do think that, whatever their root, the symptoms of ADHD 'create' psychological symptoms that feed it, in a horrid vicious circle, to the extent that the psychological symptoms are often indistinguishable from the disorder.

I know you say you hate lists , but I have found it helpful to have a digital To Do list (apple reminders for eg) and then put ONE and ONE ONLY on the 'today' section. Sorry to shout, but it absolutely can't be more than one.

Every time I feel spiral of distractibility and then the anxiety that comes because you know that you're trapped and not moving - I look at the ONE THING.

For some reason, it calms me and simplifies things. I often can make a start on doing that thing and often by the end of the day I've done it.

So today, for eg, your ONE THING would be 'call health insurance, tell them I have ADHD and could they help with what to do first."

If you discover that something is more complicated than you thought, you are definitely allowed to retroactively edit the One Thing to be just the first step of the process.

That way, you have sometimes achieved the One Thing just by discovering that there is more than one step - yay, you can tick it off, and put the next step on your general To Do list. Tomorrow, you move the next step into your One Thing section.

It's definitely not a solution to ADHD haha , but somehow it gives me enough of a seratonin boost to keep moving forward. You never have to see the big picture, which to me often feels overwhelming.

When I'm like this it's usually because I'm not taking care of myself properly. I'm over tired, hormonal, sad, stressed, overwhelmed, burnt out, not prioritising my mental health, and often not exercising, practising self care of any kind, eating properly or sleeping enough.

I get stuck in ADHD paralysis and I can also become obsessed on finding the perfect way to fix everything. So one reason I don't start is I don't know where to start and am worried I will start in the wrong place, and prioritise the wrong thing.

The truth is often the thing I should actually be prioritising is some quiet time, or a walk, or some extra shut eye and none of my to do list! So that's where I try to begin now. With my basic needs, then on looking after myself a bit and showing myself some care and compassion. Then with what's left I try and just tick a couple of things off my to do list. On a bad day I choose small tasks which are easier to achieve like loading the dish washer or cleaning the toilet. On days when I have a bit more energy in reserve I try and get some 'big ticket' numbers out the way like dealing with my bills or taxes or booking dentists/vaccine/smear test. For other people they might have no problem booking appointments, but for them loading the dishwasher is a big battle. These are just the order I struggle with things, my biggest is anything to do with money I get so stressed out.

I am rubbish at prioritising in the conventional sense, because something can be really urgent and important and I just can't make myself do it. I've accepted that is part of my life living with ADHD, CPTSD, anxiety and panic disorder that actually the hardest work I ever do is just getting started on something, so it really doesn't matter what the something is it is still a massive win instead of being stuck in anxious inertia, panic, ADHD paralysis, whatever you want to call it.

In my experience people with ADHD are really really good at a crisis but really struggle with the kind of ongoing stress that comes with a lot of the modern world including this kind of caring, where instead of moments of great stress, and then great peace, it's drip drip drip of stress all the time. And on top of that is the great emotional burden. And of course their needs come before everything else, so what little time and energy you have left is much harder to spend productively. Because you have used it all up. Solving someone else problems uses up more energy IME even than solving our own. Be kind to yourself. There is a time and place for spring cleaning and and life admin, and other than the barest essentials it is not in the middle of all this.

I'm just in tears I can't get anything done.

On hold trying to confirm a doctor's appointment next week because I have another doctor's appointment and can't confirm the second until I have confirmed the first, because the first always takes priority over all other medical appointments as it's for a particular condition that is very time sensitive regarding treatment.

Normally I get around this by making full use of the reminder text they send out before but I've not got it this time so have no idea what time my appointment is at. It's pathetic.

I don't use a calendar because it overwhelms me - I have an Apple phone where I could use the calendar but can I make that somehow sync with Outlook on my computer for things I schedule via my laptop?

I hate having my phone stuck to me all day when I'm at home, find it very stressful and so put it aside and try to do things on computer when at home - but obviously when out at doctor's appointments for example it would be useful to be able to put next appointment directly in calendar if I could make it sync with a home calendar?

How do people manage this? Do you use ical or outlook or gmail? My email is gmail. Everything is too diffuse.

I completely understand.

I switched everything to google for exactly that reason. I use the google calendar app on my iphone (ie not Apple calendar) so it would synch on my laptop. I switched to Chrome as a browser so that my bookmarks etc would be the same on both devices.

There is a little bit of changing settings but it's not that difficult and honestly the relief of the simplification is IMMENSE.

I also use Alexa because it really works in the sense of getting things onto 'paper' at the point that they're in my head. There is a 'To Do' list already in Alexa but it's just a long list, so not very useful.
I've used IFTT. If you haven't heard of it, google it, but basically it creates an automated action which means that any time I say 'Alexa, add call health insurance to my To Do list', it will automatically add it to my Apple Reminders list. I've done that because Apple Reminders is more personalisable - for example, I have my One Thing list and move things from the general list to the One Thing list every day.

For all this stuff I recommend (completely against all internet security advice) a Google doc with all your important info - usernames for each app/platform, and pws too but in very coded language). It's honestly the only way I survive - what the fuck is my NHS number AAARGh oh ok it's on my 'important' g doc phew.

Are you medicated for your adhd?

I've got to add before anyone jumps on - I know this isn't really a good idea, but honestly I couldn't survive without it.

You do need to work out a good code though, and apply it to everything.

The likelihood of getting a google doc hacked is slim - definitely slimmer than me having a breakdown because I cannot cope with all the things. The only thing that should not follow 'the code' is your google pw. That needs to be something very memorable and pretty random.

I save mine as an email in drafts. Then because I'm paranoid I screen shot as a image on my phone as well

I think if you feel like you need to cry, then cry. If you can't sort out the appointment situation right now, leave it until the morning. Don't beat yourself up for forgetting things, you have a deficit in your working memory it is not your fault it's your neurological wiring. You might find a system or accommodation that works for you, you might find a method that works some of the time (actually you already have, it's the appointment reminder system), or you might always struggle a lot with this (seems like you're doing better than you think though). That's what having ADHD or other conditions means is that you have to work extra hard in a certain area, and as a result you never get to 'cruise' in that area, so if you don't have the energy to put in right now that is where you will struggle most. But even if you didn't have ADHD there would be areas you weren't as strong in, it's just with ADHd it can be more extreme. Please try to find some self compassion, because it sounds like you are being really hard on yourself when there are many factors contributing to you dropping a few plates right now.

As I read all these emails about the perfect app or approach I have to admit that in itself seems a big ask.

In my world I just write three things on anything I can hold onto for a day. Sometimes I break them into steps. If it's arrange a docs appointment, maybe it's find no. Phone them. Don't worry about what happens nexts. Baby steps.

Another day a task is find the best to do list system but maybe that isn't today's task 🙂.

Do you take medication for adhd. It really helps.

I have found that excepting myself and my shortcomings has helped me with the stress of trying to function through busy periods. Trying to organise myself digitally is too stressful in itself so I try to do what everyone else upthread has suggested and break it down into small chunks and don't expect too much of myself as I just can't always do it. It really depends on my mood aswell. Its so horrible and annoying when I'm having a bad day and I just can't fight through it. I just have to write some days off as not being very productive. Adhd is very difficult. You watch others around you packing so much in and achieving allsorts and you just know it isn't ever going to be like that for you.

This is a really interesting thread. I wonder if anyone has this experience too and knows how to manage it. Some days I am quite productive but then I get over-enthusiastic, talk v fast, I take on so much, drink lots of caffeine and flit from one thing to another. Or I might be super productive at something tangential. I find I will achieve alot but wellbeing etc goes out of the window. This can last 1-3 days then after that I can't concentrate at all and find it's hard to do the things I promised. I find if I have a long to do list it's even worse. I'm either like this or I can't concentrate well at all.