AIBU to cut my mother out of my life?

[winginglife90]

Can I ask if you have cut a parent out your life and why? Also if you had children at the time how did you explain the situation to them?

So my relationship with my mother has always been very rocky. Im not 100% innocent in this I'll admit but she is a toxic person, pretty much a manipulative, gaslighting liar.

There's been some good times but as I'm getting older these are few and far between and at this point in my life I feel like I need to just walk away to save myself the stress and upset.

The problem is that my dad is very controlled by her (won't answer the phone to you when there's been arguing, has to delete txts as she goes through his phone, she goes mental if he doesn't agree with her and threatens to kill herself-plays the mental health card) so this would make seeing him very difficult as she's always at home-he has no friends and never leaves the house so couldn't even sneak out to see me without her.

I also have 2 young DC who really love her (this is one of the reasons for me wanting to walk away, as when I was growing up at times she was extremely difficult to be around and I want to save them going through what I went through)

I've thought about cutting her out my life so many times but always went crawling back because you only have one mum don't you? but I feel like I've reached a point now where I need to accept that she will never change.

If anybody has been in a situation similar to this could you please give me an insight into how it played out/offer any advice.

Thank you

I always think it’s best to keep in touch with your parents even if they are not the best, because as you say you only have one mother and father, even if they are your cross to bear. Only because when they do pass you can have a clear conscience. You don’t have to see them every week but to cut them off can be very painfully especially when the die and you can then be left with painful feelings that you weren’t a good daughter.

I hate my mother but not so much my dad so I only stay in contact with him, I have to tolerate her on occasion but only for my poor dad. I did cut them out for years but realised my dad was very much a victim of what is now considered coercive behaviour and wanted my daughter to know her grandfather, before that we hadn’t spoken for years, I’m pleased my daughter and father have a good relationship but my ‘mother’ knows if she laid one finger on my daughter or tried to manipulate her she wouldn’t get away with it, she was never left alone with her.

I certainly won’t have feelings that I wasn’t a good daughter 🤣🤣

You only have one appendix. But if it was making you ill you wouldn't hesitate to remove it, would you?

You need to protect your children from your mum's behaviour. I have significantly cut down the amount of contact I have with my family since covid. It took lockdown for me to realise I am happier without them. There is still contact, but significantly less and it doesn't upset me anymore. I also do not engage with negative behaviour anymore.

My mum has what I believe to be undiagnosed mental health issues and I give her the benefit of the doubt by telling myself her controlling behaviour was due to this, rather than intentional. But I still don't want to be subject to it anymore or have my kids subject to it either.

I have not cut my mother out of my life - but I think I have good reason, should I eventually choose to.

Check out a website called "Out of the Fog". There's lots of practical advice there, and people who have gone through similar.

Your post is a bit too vague. what do you mean exactly when you say that she is a "toxic person", how is she behaving currently towards you and your children that makes contact with her impossible?
If you do cut her off it sounds as if you won't see your Dad either.
Is the situation too bad for strategies like lower contact and grey rock to work?
You aren't obliged to keep contact but there isn't really enough information in your post to say whether you are being unreasonable or not. Words like "toxic" are used frequently , sometimes reasonably and sometimes not.

There's many reasons but here is a few examples of her behaviour in the past..

Held me down with a hot iron as a teenager and threatened to stove my face in with it

Lied to the whole family about having secondary liver cancer

Threatened suicide on multiple occasions (once had me driving around looking for her after taking an apparent overdose - then banned us from the hospital to cover up that she hadn't actually taken one

Screamed at me and kicked me and my children out her house the day my mother in law died (who I was close to and she knew I was devastated) told me I was crying for attention and told my 7 year old DC I was evil

Called the police on my DP for putting her out our house saying that he was violent towards her, and threatened to call social services to say my children aren't safe with him

Lied about multiple illnesses, going to different hospitals trying to get herself admitted.

Told people she worked with I'd had a miscarriage (my partners cousin worked with her so she phoned MIL who then thought we'd kept it from her)

Generally making stories up of things people have said/done - telling me the whole family believe her in situations where she's lied and they all think I'm a piece of scum etc

These are the ones off the top of my head but there are many, many more.

Do it now before she can control teenagers with money.

Ps and i believe you, that horror of a person you have described is definitely toxic.

Based on what your latest post says, I wouldn't let my children near her. And I don't believe any child has to put up with horrible and abusive behaviour as their parents "are their cross to bear".

You don't have to be dramatic about it. Just cut contact way way back until it is barely a trickle. Don't visit, be busy, don't answer calls, don't have any big showdown just say "sorry we are busy" over and over.

I could have written your post op!
I've finally cut my mum out last November. It has been the best decision of my life. I have two daughters under 10! Have explained a little but not detail. I tell them it's more an adult reason that they don't need to worry about. They have accepted that and haven't even asked after her more than twice.

It's best for the children not to be in a toxic environment like that. That was my final straw as such

I've been NC with my father for 6 years for being abusive and voilent towards the women in the family.

I appreciate the peace and not having to force myself to see someone who I fear and who - if he hadn't been my father and I hadn't been conditioned to constantly excuse his behaviour - I would call the police on.

What do you get out of being in contact with your mother?

I cut my mum out of my life for several years. She was abusive growing up to me and my older brother (physically) and denied it to anyone even though we had marks from the belt buckle she used to hit us with - I wet the bed up until about 8/9 - she used to rub my face in it because she was sick of washing it. She never laid a finger on my younger brother but he has nothing to do with her anyway, probably because he eventually heard the word no and didn't like it.

Anyway, when I had my oldest DD14, I started speaking to her again, I told her what I wouldn't accept etc and we have a good relationship now bar the odd disagreement.

She may be my mother but had she carried on the behaviour I would have kept her out of mine and my children's lives regardless. I am her child, didn't stop her beating me did it? We unfortunately don't get to choose our parents, you get 1 set, but you also only get 1 go at life, and if they are causing you distress and misery then you should cut her. I would maybe try and encourage your dad to leave too. I believe you, she sounds like a nasty vile person and she's very very lucky that you're actually considering not cutting her out.

Having read your latest post YANBU. It sounds as if your mother has either a Personality disorder or a chronic mental health issue.
There is sometimes a tendency to label family members as "toxic" too easily but I can see you have been through a lot and it's starting to involve your children.