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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a good time to get engaged?

17 replies

Andyouwithyourautumnsweater · 26/04/2022 13:39

Me, 30, partner 27. Been together 2 years, lived together for over a year. Don't own our home or have any children.
I keep thinking about it all the time and looking at venues. I'd love to be married to him, but I wonder if it's 'too soon' or that he's 27 is an issue?
He has said he would like to get married (when we first started dating).
Should I ask him how he feels about marrying me or wait a bit longer?

OP posts:
Original poster
Andyouwithyourautumnsweater · 26/04/2022 13:40

He has however never said outwardly that he would like to marry me at some point.

OP posts:
SNWannabe · 26/04/2022 13:42

I'd just start the conversation about marriage...no point in not being on the same page. I'd not see engagement as anything too much though, its just a promise to get married and doesn't need to be an event all of its own.

BlancmanegeBunny · 26/04/2022 13:43

I've been married a long time, my feeling is that if you are considering marrying this man you should be able to talk openly about everything. Have the difficult conversation and see if you are both on the same page about marriage, kids etc.

Original poster
Andyouwithyourautumnsweater · 26/04/2022 13:53

Thank you , i will have to have the conversation

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 26/04/2022 13:53

I think at 30 and two years in, it's perfectly reasonable to be thinking about marriage.

HardyBuckette · 26/04/2022 13:56

It's a good time to have a chat about the future, your mutual aspirations and plans. Marriage, children, buying a property together.

Original poster
Andyouwithyourautumnsweater · 26/04/2022 13:58

Thanks, i will just have to be confident and ask. We've already discussed buying a property together

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 26/04/2022 14:06

Perfect time op. He should certainly know by now. You wouldn't want to waste your time buying property with someone who doesn't want to marry you. You're also going into your 30s. You need to also plan for kids etc.

Original poster
Andyouwithyourautumnsweater · 26/04/2022 14:06

Is 27 not considered young generally to get engaged then ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Andyouwithyourautumnsweater · 26/04/2022 14:07

Agree it's foolish to buy a property without being married in my eyes, however I know a few couples who've done it and some were only early 20s

OP posts:
HardyBuckette · 26/04/2022 14:15

I think average age for the woman at first marriage in the UK is 30ish now, though the pandemic will have arsed that up a bit. If people tend to be engaged for a year or two, late 20s sounds pretty normal.

SexyPortugese · 26/04/2022 14:39

Andyouwithyourautumnsweater · 26/04/2022 14:06

Is 27 not considered young generally to get engaged then ?

Gosh no. It's about the individual, not the age. There are forty year olds who don't want to marry and twenty year olds who can't wait.

When we met I was 28 and DH was 24, we didn't marry until I was 31 and him 27 and it was great. There's this weird sense of people being like children until WAY into adulthood these days when in reality by 27 you've been an adult for nearly a decade!

Talk to him, tell him you would like to consider taking the next step as a couple and see what he says. If this is a relationship that's strong enough for marriage then it's strong enough for an open discussion about what you want in your future.

Original poster
Andyouwithyourautumnsweater · 26/04/2022 16:36

I'm going to go for it , thanks again

OP posts:
tobedtoMN · 26/04/2022 16:39

Based on all the threads on here... if marriage is important to you DO NOT have children first.

UniBallEye · 26/04/2022 16:42

I met my dh when I was 29 and he was 26 and we got married when I was 33 and he was 30. It was the right time for us.
I knew relatively early on that I wanted to marry him and then some friends announced their engagement, which was exciting but sort of made me feel a bit like what the hell were we doing as we'd been together longer.
It all came out in a tearful mess on holidays and now-dh was bemused and said he'd been planning on asking me but then their announcement was made and he didn't want to take from their moment. Which made me love him even more!
We got engaged about 6months after that but I felt totally relaxed by then as i knew we were on the same page.
Good luck OP, even though it is many many years ago for us now I can still remember all those feelings!

Whatsmyname100 · 26/04/2022 16:47

Dh and I got married at 27 and 28. We took the next 7 years to save, buy a home, advance our careers and then we had a baby. Have the conversation so that you know which direction this is going and plan your life.

maxelly · 26/04/2022 16:51

Andyouwithyourautumnsweater · 26/04/2022 14:07

Agree it's foolish to buy a property without being married in my eyes, however I know a few couples who've done it and some were only early 20s

Buying a property together without being married is not necessarily that silly an idea - there are quite straight forward and common legal mechanisms for each person to protect what they contributed to a house financially, obviously if you split up the house would likely have to be sold unless one person could afford to buy out the other but that's probably the case whether or not you are married and in fact if you were to split up, as a childless couple it would probably be considerably easier, cheap and less heartache to sort your affairs out if you are unmarried than married.

Having kids without being married is more questionable but really in financial terms the main issue is if one person (usually the woman) would be planning to give up work or go part-time in order to raise the kids, in which case divorce gives some protection because the husband might have to pay her maintenance and/or allow her to live in the marital home until the children are grown. Or of course if he's super rich and you feel you ought to have a piece of that legally, go right ahead 😎. But if you earn the same as or more than him (and wouldn't give up work when you have kids), are putting more money into the house than him and/or you are expecting significant future windfalls, marriage might actually disadvantage you financially which is not to say you shouldn't do it anyway, but you need to have your eyes open to it. I still feel young women today are sold the idea that marrying is the sensible, grown up thing to do, and well meaning people on MN will scream til they are blue that you should never have kids without being married but that is on the assumption the woman's career will always suffer and/or she'll totally give up work for the kids, while many women do of course make that choice I don't think it should be the assumption everyone will and therefore that marriage is right for everyone. Certainly we all need to rid ourselves of the subtext that still goes around that marriage is the 'goal' of every relationship (for the woman anyway) or that there's something wrong with you if you choose not to get married. It doesn't matter how old you are or how long you've been together, marriage is a legal contract with obligations on both sides and what's important is that both parties understand the full implications and and they both want to freely enter into that contract... rant over! TLDR go ahead OP if that's want you really want!

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