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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was the family support worker spying on us??

39 replies

TheGirlWithTheGreyBunny · 26/04/2022 12:13

So been having some issues with the school my children attend. My son isn’t settling there and he’s recently been given a place at a specialist school for children with dis abilities. He doesn’t start until September. I had quite a disagreement with the family support worker over it all and I didn’t like the way she came across about my child and we got into an argument as they wouldn’t let him stay full days even though he is of school age and needs a full time education. So she called social services on me and said I shout at my children. Social services came and closed the case down immediately. She called them again two weeks later. They closed the case down again and I pulled her about it Infront of everyone in the school yard at home time. Turns out she’s upset a lot of people with similar things!!!

this morning I dropped off the kids and came home. 2 hours later my partner left for work and said a car he doesn’t recognise is at the end of our street and she was looking at our house and she hid her face quickly when he drove past. I didn’t quite believe this so I drove along in my car and same again! She hid her face. I parked up around the corner and walked along where the cut was so I’d pop out just Infront of the car and it was the family support worker!! She again hid her face but I’d seen her at this point and then she quickly drove off and left before I had a chance to reach her car!!

now my partner is all ahhh she’s spying on us, wants me to ring the school ask why she was parked in our street watching our house then hid her face from us!! But I feel a bit silly ringing up asking all of that.

so could she have been spying or am I just over thinking things?? Could she have got my address from school somehow? I have this all on dash cam so plan to maybe taking it into school but then I feel bad if she was for some odd reason just sat there but it’s a quiet side street dead end. No reason for her to be here really. Should I go into school with the dash cam footage and say she’s sat watching my house or is that very unreasonable??

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 26/04/2022 12:27

Are you saying she was parked at your street 2 hours after you dropped the kids off? What would be the point in that - if she has concerns about your child (and was indeed spying) she’d surely want to see you with your kids?

You don’t know there was no reason for her to be there - professional or personal, I’m sure she hasn’t shared her diary with you. A decision to refer to social services wouldn’t be made by a family support worker in isolation - it would be made by whoever the designated safeguarding lead is, usually a member of the senior leadership team in primary school. You are being very unreasonable having a go at her for doing her job, even if you think the referral was unnecessary or inappropriate it’s the school you need to take it up with, not the individual worker.

Sirzy · 26/04/2022 12:32

What would she gain by being parked up two hours after they have gone to school and seemingly a bit away from the house if you had to drive past to see her.

sounds verging on paranoid to be honest

Catrice · 26/04/2022 12:38

I'm not sure why she was there but why would she hide her face from you if it was all perfectly innocent...

Original poster
TheGirlWithTheGreyBunny · 26/04/2022 12:41

I could see from my upstairs window but not into her car/ from where her car was parked is a perfect view of my house. Doesn’t make much sense why she was there or parked in perfect view of my house or hid her face when my partner drove past then when I drove past. None of it adds up

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 26/04/2022 12:46

Regardless of whether she was spying on you- which would be very hard to prove, it sounds as if this is not working as a professional relationship. Can you speak to her management team and politely request a meeting to discuss a change of support worker?

calling someone out in the school playground doesn’t reflect well on you even if you felt wronged.

if you need additional help in accessing full time education you could post on the SEN boards for advice.

ButtockUp · 26/04/2022 12:47

I'm not convinced that such a worker is authorised to watch someone's house.

I'd be calling the LEA to find out if spying is part of the worker's remit.

twopoes · 26/04/2022 13:05

I would definitely call the school as it sounds like she's overstepping.

It may be innocent, a friend in the road or another family she's working with but I do think it's worth checking on.

Oblomov22 · 26/04/2022 13:07

I would make a formal complaint about her.

YNK · 26/04/2022 13:12

There's no rational explanation for this behaviour, it may be sinister intention though so gather plenty of evidence.
If this is stalking/harassment then I would go to the police.

YNK · 26/04/2022 13:14

If you take this to the school it will give her a chance of covering any dubious intention for long enough for the dust to settle before starting up again once the coast is clear.

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/04/2022 14:58

Doesn’t make much sense why she was there or parked in perfect view of my house or hid her face when my partner drove past then when I drove past. None of it adds up

She could have been there for any number of reasons, waiting for someone, passing time before an appointment or in this age of agile working, catching up on paperwork. She may have hid her face because she didn’t want to engage with you if you did notice her, especially given you’d already had a go at her in a public place. There’s nothing to indicate she was spying on you other than her being parked in a public place near your house.

SlatsandFlaps · 26/04/2022 15:05

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/04/2022 12:27

Are you saying she was parked at your street 2 hours after you dropped the kids off? What would be the point in that - if she has concerns about your child (and was indeed spying) she’d surely want to see you with your kids?

You don’t know there was no reason for her to be there - professional or personal, I’m sure she hasn’t shared her diary with you. A decision to refer to social services wouldn’t be made by a family support worker in isolation - it would be made by whoever the designated safeguarding lead is, usually a member of the senior leadership team in primary school. You are being very unreasonable having a go at her for doing her job, even if you think the referral was unnecessary or inappropriate it’s the school you need to take it up with, not the individual worker.

Nonsense! ANYBODY can call social services. She may well have called as an individual and then mentioned what her professional role is and that being how she is familiar with OP etc

Stop virtue signalling

5zeds · 26/04/2022 15:14

I remember someone being referred on the sn boards in similar circumstances. Their recommendation once she’d been investigated was something like “you should pick up the mail inside the front door and dc shouldn’t wear crocs in winter”😳😆. It’s bullying and it sounds like ss don’t see an issue in what she’s complaining about.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 26/04/2022 15:16

Whether she was spying on you or not. You're entitled to request a change of support worker
I had one(and did) when my DC were young

girlmom21 · 26/04/2022 15:17

Is this a family support worker employed by the school? Are you certain it was her?

If so I'd speak to the head today and be clear that if there's any more harassment you're going to the police.

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/04/2022 15:30

*Nonsense! ANYBODY can call social services. She may well have called as an individual and then mentioned what her professional role is and that being how she is familiar with OP etc

Stop virtue signalling*

If she referred a family in her personal capacity based on information gained in the context of her work in the school she’d be acting outside of her authority, which is viewed pretty seriously. So the school would still be the people to take it up with because they need to know she’s going outwith statutory processes. If she referred in her private capacity it wouldn’t carry the same weight as doing it as a professional so if there were concerns it wouldn’t make sense for her to do it privately and if there aren’t concerns, ie it’s a malicious referral, again the school need to know because that has a bearing on her work in schools.

I’ve no idea what you mean about virtue signalling in this context.

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/04/2022 15:33

*Nonsense! ANYBODY can call social services. She may well have called as an individual and then mentioned what her professional role is and that being how she is familiar with OP etc

Stop virtue signalling*

If she referred a family in her personal capacity based on information gained in the context of her work in the school she’d be acting outside of her authority, which is viewed pretty seriously. So the school would still be the people to take it up with because they need to know she’s going outwith statutory processes. If she referred in her private capacity it wouldn’t carry the same weight as doing it as a professional so if there were concerns it wouldn’t make sense for her to do it privately and if there aren’t concerns, ie it’s a malicious referral, again the school need to know because that has a bearing on her work in schools.

I’ve no idea what you mean about virtue signalling in this context.

chisanunian · 26/04/2022 15:35

It may not have been your house she was watching. Perhaps she was observing another family home in your street, and obviously wouldn't want them to find out, and since you know her, she was trying to avoid being recognised, just in case.

Original poster
TheGirlWithTheGreyBunny · 26/04/2022 18:12

Well thanks everyone it was her and she was looking at my house to see if big enough for my children! She has once again called SS because my DS had a scar on his stomach nobody has before which is from one of his surgeries. SS called me this afternoon to inform me of the referral made early this afternoon. They won’t be taking this any further but asked how many bedrooms my house has. Iv spoke to the head this afternoon and told her I am beyond upset by this!! She told me she’s sorry but if they didn’t follow this up they would get wrong it’s their duty of care. They know he’s had multiple surgeries and has scars all over from them!! They hadn’t noticed this one, which is as old and matches all the others beside it. I think they just don’t like me I really do.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 26/04/2022 18:19

I'm so sorry OP.. years ago something similar happened to me
It feels like victimisation I know
I contacted SS and requested another support worker " as I didn't feel a rapport" understatement.. but my request was granted

cansu · 26/04/2022 18:20

I think you can say that you don't wish to work with her and that for any other pastoral issues they should designate someone else to get in touch. I would also write to them about the surgeries explaining that your ds has these scars due to his surgeries. Put this info in writing. Thank them for their concern for his well being. In short be excessively controlled and icily polite but keep everything in writing. I think that checking the size of your house is utterly ridiculous. Many families live in houses where kids share rooms. Is this seriously part of a referral?

HollowTalk · 26/04/2022 18:28

That's absolutely outrageous! Surely she hasn't been paid to spy on people and check out the size of the house? There are far better ways of finding out how big a house is than sitting at the end of the road!

saraclara · 26/04/2022 19:03

calling someone out in the school playground doesn’t reflect well on you even if you felt wronged.

Yep, sorry, but you really shot yourself in the foot there. In all my years of teaching children with complex needs, I have never, and not have any of my colleagues, had a parent do this. Any parents who've had problems or issues (mercifully few) have always had the grace and maturity to address then with us privately.

You doing that will have ramped up their concerns, rather than put a stop to them.

You need to say to the head that all trust has now been lost, and that you are not prepared to work alongside that support worker again.
Also apologise for your behaviour in the playground.

saraclara · 26/04/2022 19:03

Not = nor

whatwouldsueheckdo · 26/04/2022 19:24

Honestly i’d make a formal complaint. I could be wrong but I’m sure local authorities have to follow strict legislation to conduct ‘surveillance’ (PACE?) including a valid reason and authorization from someone senior. If she was sat there for 2 hours it sounds more than just looking at the size of your house!