If you are neurodiverse do you ever still feel so sad at how you were treated when young?

[compassionforpastself]

I was lucky to always have a few friends generally and not get badly bullied. Just plenty of instances of being socially inept and making mistakes and the sniggering that followed, and a very clear sense of being on the outside a lot of the time. Whatever, that's not so bad.

The thing that makes me sad is when I think how some actual adults treated me, which in hindsight makes me think wtf?

I feel like I'm ruminating, but it's denting my confidence that adults in positions of power (teachers, sports coaches) could see a vulnerable child and be heartless. And sometimes a little cruel.

It was the 90s and I think I just was so clueless that I was actually looked down on so much for being a socially awkward kid with a weird chronic illness and not growing up with my parents. Very little social currency. But was too young/ clueless to realise what was different about me so I just kept throwing myself into doing things I loved, then being hurt.

Did anyone else have similar experience growing up?

Yes, grew up in the 70s and really struggled. I only realised I was neurodiverse when DS was diagnosed as a autistic. He was always described as “a carbon copy” of me as a child..

Teachers in the 70s were brutal at times verbally. They are brilliant now in comparison, but they still don’t get enough training.

Yes, it didn't matter how hard I tried or worked, I was never good enough, tidy enough, accurate enough. They knew I was clever but I didn't live up to expectations so I must be lazy. I was constantly in trouble and ridiculed for poor concentration and daydreaming. (ADHD) and I was the slightly weird kid on the outside of the friendship groups who never really fitted in (ASD) and I was pinned down while I screamed to have my hair washed as I have never coped with water running over my face (SPD). It was the lack of understanding if my ADHD that has done the most lasting damage to my mental health.

Yes I can only imagine how much worse things were in the 70s. Much less of even a veneer of empathy for the "weird kids". I hope your son is doing better these days though.

Yeah, hear this. Think it's the typical experience of ND's who are now middle aged.

There's a ND board on MN now which is good.

This is definitely not a question I would answer on AIBU.

Yes 100%!
So much so that I would love to track down a teacher who was particularly horrible to me and explain how her actions made 17 year old me feel.
It sticks with me forever. I would love her to know that I have ADHD.
She chucked me off my A'level course because I hadn't done some work. I had tried so hard but just couldn't do get it done/start.
I know with the the right help/support I would have thrived.
I always remember what a failure and stupid I felt.

There are so many other examples.
It makes me so sad how I clearly struggled and the panic I used to feel.

Yes absolutely

I grew up on the 70s and 80s. I’m a successful, happy adult. Sometimes a memory from my childhood will come to the surface and I’ll just be end up sobbing.

getting my own child diagnosed brought back lots of memories and then led to my own. In some ways it was a relief and led to greater self acceptance.

there are these moments though where I think about how my parents and teachers could have done things so much better. Moments where they failed to help or where their actions made things worse or caused harm. It’s so different to the supportive environment we make sure our kids are getting.

Yes. Not even just when young. Still happens.

I'm not formally diagnosed because I don't have the capacity right now to pursue a diagnosis and I am castigated for that.

I firmly believe that there are two types of people in the world - those whose instinctive response to vulnerability is compassion, and those that are sharks.

I didn’t recognise my ND until quite recently but I came from a family that wasn’t conventional and from the earliest age I was people watching and masking. I’ve understood for a very long time that fitting in is a survival skill.

"As traumatized children we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves, as adults.”

Not my quote, but I think for a lot of late life diagnosed adults it gives us something to hang on to and feel good about, sometimes when we ask these questions we don't always realize that these questions are coming from a place of self love.

And for us that is a win.

I don't but that's because I'm still embarrassed and cringing at my own behaviour in trying to fit in then failing.

Yes. It’s surprisingly painful to think about, which I hadn’t realised because I don’t usually think about it these days. I was very lonely and always felt as if I was doing things wrong. I’ve learned the “rules” now and most of the time I blend in. When I get it wrong (thankfully rare now), I feel like a hopelessly awkward kid again. I’m not sure those feelings will ever fade, despite how successful and “normal” (ugh) I might look these days.

No answers, but yes, I see you.

But yes, I also threw myself at the wall and hit it many many times and slid down it. Teachers and other adults encouraged this 'run at the wall and try' but I assume they just couldn't stack my off scale intellectual strength in some areas against my absolute and utter failure in social and functional others.

They wanted a nice neat brain doing nice neat success across all fields. Not someone off the reading scheme aged seven who could not do buttons up or tie shoe laces or play and drank from the playground puddle as an experiment in taste.

Eventually I was written off as 'Only trying in things I was interested in.'

IF ONLY!

It was more a case of being utterly and completely humanly incapable of certain things and like most of the people commenting here. I was absolutely invested in doing as well and gaining the praise rather than contempt of teachers and relatives who saw me as stubborn or recalcitrant.

I battered myself for DECADES trying and failing. How many of us have a shelf of self help books spanning decades, that never did?

I do and a history of breakdowns and burnouts that are shocking looking back.