Am I missing something

[OverItThanks]

Background: So me and my sister both recently had babies. My third. Her first. I have been dealing with OCD for nearly 20 years, started as teen but I only realised there was an issue when my first was born, as it was so ingrained in my every day life. I received therapy now and am doing so much better.

Covid has been so hard, as for everyone, but it’s basically the epitome of my OCD, worrying about hurting someone else through my own selfishness or complacency.

My sister is well aware of all the above and has actually started to show traits of OCD herself, her hands are like sandpaper from washing for example. It’s pretty bad at the moment and pretty new, as far as I’m aware. I feel like I’ve been there for her as out of everyone just get it, her words. I think she’s also struggling with baby in some areas, as do all first times mums and tells me about how I make it look so easy. I try to reassure and say but I wasn’t like this with my first, now on my third, etc. and am here for any baby question.

Onto the issue. We arranged a last minute cup of tea, within 48 hours. She then informed me someone she recently saw had tested positive for covid and I asked her if we could rearrange the cup of tea (she’d be coming to my house). Her response, via text, was ‘is this because of I saw with covid?’. I told her yes, I know how I will feel after she’s left - anxious basically. She then sent me a long text about while she respects my decision she feels it’s too much, we’ve got to live our lives sort of vibe.

I was so mad and felt it was a complete cheek. She had so many anxieties at the moment I never tell her what she should or shouldn’t feel anxious about.

I told her she was being shortsighted and felt what she was saying was very hypocritical. She told me that that was calling her names??? 🤔

She is now not speaking to me. AIBU to be angry.

Shamelessly posting again for some traffic

I'm not sure what you want people to say? It's probably not sensible to diagnose your sister with OCD or anxiety, especially as she is a first time mum which inevitably comes with some heightened level of anxiety, tiredness, additional stressors etc etc. I had great difficulties with the skin on my hands when I had small babies due to the extra amount of handwashing involved. It isn't necessarily an ironed-on sign of OCD.

It is an overreaction to cancel a meet up because one of you interacted with someone who later tested positive for covid. Especially if you are both fully vaccinated, you could take lateral flow tests, meet up outside etc. I can't see how you could justify the "short sighted" comment, and calling her hypocritical is definitely a step too far.

I would think you should take a step back and try to let this go. If you feel you can, I would apologise to her for the cross words and try to agree to move on from this.

What do you want her to say? "Sure, your OCD-related fear is perfectly fine and rational, you've definitely made a sensible decision!"? I think her response was entirely appropriate - she respects your decision because she's aware that you're anxious, but also doesn't want to enable/fuel your OCD any further by pretending your fears are rational and OK and helping you to justify them in your own head.

Just because she has her own anxieties (although that seems to be conjecture on your part) that doesn't mean she isn't aware that some anxieties are irrational.

My DP and I both have different phobias, and while we sympathise with one another, we don't pretend those fears are normal and rational because they're not.

Thank you for your reply’s

I’m not diagnosing her with OCD, I recognise some traits in her that I have demonstrated myself, above and beyond hand washing. I’ve explained my previous thought process with OCD and she concurs it’s very similar for her.

I have listened to her and tried to help in a thoughtful way when she has been anxious. I’ve not enabled but we’ve been having a conversation or she’s asked for advice. I don’t just send a text with ‘this is what I think of your anxiety when you didn’t ask’. I didn’t ask for her two pennies at the time, I’m aware that I’m an more avoidant of covid than most but this has been such a battle for me, all of which she is aware, her ‘words of wisdom’ text did not help. I also told her I know it’s irrational but I just want to rearrange.

I felt completely judged and while I have spent literal hours listening to her, I do not mention my anxieties that much (as it’s much better for the most part) I felt like she was telling me my anxiety is not valid.

Maybe it was the way it was done rather than the message

Thinking about it, I read it as ‘it’s just that easy’, she sent the text, didn’t expect me to respond as she said ‘and we’ll say not more about it’ and didn’t give me the courtesy of waiting til we were face to face to voice her opinion for what is and has been an ongoing struggle when I feel like I give her all my attention and time when she needs it.

I suppose of all people I thought she’d understand (not enable)

She had so many anxieties at the moment I never tell her what she should or shouldn’t feel anxious about.

Why not? Isn't that what close family or friends do? If someone is anxious about something, do you not gently coax them out of it and help them see it's irrational?

Indulging each other's anxieties is not helpful at all.

Even if your sister has developed OCD, her triggers are likely to be different to yours (as you've discovered) so I'd be wary about assuming you think the same about everything OP. I can appreciate that you thought you might get some backup on this occasion, and would be disappointed when this didn't happen. I hope you can sort it out with your sister soon.

I didn’t want back up, I didn’t want anything. I’ve had OCD for years and years, I don’t know what her text was trying to achieve. I know it’s irrational. Telling me it’s too
much and I need to basically need to get on with it now is not helpful. When I’ve been there for her, taking through her anxieties when she asked for help, that doesn’t mean indulging her. I don’t want someone to agree with me that I’m right to be anxious, but I know, she’s knows I know, it’s irrational.

Would you tell someone with depression, via text, that they’re depressive episode is too much this time and they basically just need to carry on now?

YANBU, OP. It sounds like you’ve been patient with her (listening to her for hours) so she should be the same with you and taken your rain check in good grace. Maybe she has got used to you just being there whenever she needs you and this was a shock.

However, do you think perhaps you were a bit harsh calling her shortsighted and hypocritical?

I would let things lie for a while and then suggest a catch up in a few days.

You said she sent you a long text saying she respects your decision but it’s getting too much and you have to live your lives. Seems ok to me and these days people do have text “conversations”. You told (texted?) her she was shortsighted and hypocritical, that is really rude and insulting. I think she has more reason to be angry than you.

I don’t blame you being bothered op. It’s your choice to not meet up to be safe and I’m not sure why she seems to have taken offence in the first instance of simply saying about not meeting up, obviously after her reply when you said it was hypocritical she was going to take offence granted. But I don’t really see the big deal with you not meeting up. I’m assuming you wouldn’t have said those things if she hadn’t gotten ratty in the first place! Like of course people have to live their lives but the fact you were meeting up at all indicates you are doing that, you just are able to be careful and making use of that luxury. I think you were doomed the minute you said not to meet up to be honest. For the sake of good relations I probably would try build bridges and accept what you said was insulting but also that she got ratty first and that’s why you reacted how you did.

1 in 10 people now have coronavirus. That means if you leave your house you will likely come into contact with Covid.

I no longer know anyone who has not caught Covid. It seems you will get it unfortunately. There's no use to also be upset with your sister.

@Aprilx it felt more like ‘I respect your decision but here’s my opinion on your OCD’ I probably did blow up a bit but I felt really hurt to be honest. Just because you say your respecting someone doesn’t mean you are. I work on the OCD constantly, she knows this. I did text her back but we were on the phone when I said ‘I know it’s irrational but do you mind if we rearrange’. I kinda feel what right does she have to tell me how to manage it and what I should be able to handle now.

@MarkTheWise it’s not about me getting it, the OCD is all about possibly giving it to or hurting someone else. I’ve had covid. Statistics don’t really matter when something is irrational and it’s not all that long ago that people were dying from it, those OCD feelings don’t just go away.

I’m not a recluse, I got out as I normally would pre-covid. It’s only when I know someone is positive. She text me to say she’d had contact with someone positive, and it was only a cup of tea not a holiday, in which case I’d have had more motivation and strength to try and fight it.

the argument wasn’t really about that anyway

I think sometimes we just need people to accept us and commiserate when we are finding it hard. Judgements or well meaning advice can be unwelcome and unhelpful. After all if there was a simple solution we would be using it. A friend of mine sometimes does this by often telling me what she would do and it leaves me feeling pissed off. I don't get in an argument but I do withdraw for a while as I can feel myself getting angry.

@MarkTheWise it’s not about me getting it, the OCD is all about possibly giving it to or hurting someone else. I’ve had covid. Statistics don’t really matter when something is irrational and it’s not all that long ago that people were dying from it, those OCD feelings don’t just go away.

I’m not a recluse, I got out as I normally would pre-covid. It’s only when I know someone is positive. She text me to say she’d had contact with someone positive, and it was only a cup of tea not a holiday, in which case I’d have had more motivation and strength to try and fight it.