To just give up and leave :(

[Thomasinatallis]

My husband and I are divorcing, still living in the same house with 2 dc while solicitors sort things out.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that my husband is basically a well disguised 1950’s stereotype and, despite me generating a reasonable part time self employed income around the kid’s school hours, thinks that my job is in the home, he is paying for me to live in our house and that I’m crap at all of the things a good wife should do. Cleaning, sex, housework etc - I don’t do a good job at any of them. He will sit there while I clean, cook and tidy, then criticise,

We have a ds and dd. Ds is 14 and autistic - v.intelligent, what used to be called Aspergers. DH categorically refuses to parent him as he is quite hard work at times. But, just in the last few months since he applied for a divorce, he has been Disney dad - he’s joined their Minecraft world and spends hours getting them things on it. He whistles and jokes and calls them ‘gorgeous’ whist completely blanking me. He watches kids films with them and is living the life being fun dad.

DS said to me tonight, ‘you just do the basics as a mother, like feed me and clean my clothes’

I feel broken. He has no idea about the immense amount of work I put in to ensuring he has access to a good education, cooking him separate meals to accommodate his restricted diet, planning everything around his ever increasing sensory needs. I’ve done fun stuff with them too, of course I have, but it is me who does the actual parenting, the getting him to clean his teeth occasionally, have a bath, get up for school, get dressed at the weekend - all the non fun stuff.

i have such an urge to just pack a case, get in the car and drive. I could find a cheap room to stay in and, if I take my pc, I could continue to work.

I know I couldn’t, my heart would break to think of the trauma this would put both of my children through but I am so very broken by this all. My parents were always complimentary of each other, encouraging us to appreciate each other’s contributions to the family. I never realised how important this was till now.

But, I’m still left sitting here in the dark, wondering ‘what if…’? What if I just got up, packed up and drove off? I hate feeling like this :(

So he what he said actually come from his dad, or is it what he actually thinks ?

@KangarooKenny I dont think it has come directly from his dad in as many words. But he is picking up on the dynamic in the house at the moment, which is that I don’t do a good job of anything :(

And, it probably is what he actually thinks. He is very literal.

Tbh I would feel heartbroken and want to leave too...It must be a very hard time for you💐
But it could give the dad something to use against you if you just pack and leave op.

That is so rubbish op, I can understand why you feel so under appreciated and crap.

Children don't really appreciate all the stuff we do for them day to day as in their eyes it just happens I suppose. There are clean clothes and nice meals and they are at school on time with all the right things, and they don't know it can be any other way.

You sound like an amazing mum. Once you ex is out of your home/life your work load in the home will probably reduce greatly so you will have more opportunities to have more fun times with your children.

How much longer will you be living in the house together?

to be honest I would start leaving them at critical times for a few hours, eg right before meal times have an emergency and disappear out for a few hours. And return to see what the result is. First time he’ll get McDonald’s but won’t be able to every single time.

Your contribution will only be appreciated once it’s not there.

What did you say in reply to your son?

He is 14 and intelligent - could you not sit down and talk to him about it?

Sadly my exh did such a great number on 1 of my dc. He parrot fashion spouted his df's words for years.. We haven't spoken since he was nearly 17. When he told me my other dc had issues and it was all my fault.

The comment arose from him asking if he could have a yoghurt, I said yes, they’re in the fridge. He wouldn’t go and look, he wanted me to go downstairs and find it for him. So I went downstairs, opened the fridge door, told him which shelf the yoghurts were on but didn’t actually get one out.

Apparently, that’s not good enough, as he couldn’t actuall6 see the yoghurts as they were behind things.

I didn’t say much to him at the time because a) I felt like crying and b) when he has a bee in his bonnet about something there really is no reasoning with him at that point in time. I need to think ahead and plan how to address it with him when we are not ‘in the moment’ as it were.
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That's obviously come straight from his dad. You might have to fight back against this, don't let his dad define what female roles should be. He's 14 and perfectly capable of finding his own snacks, and needs to know that you're not a maid.

Didn't want to read and run... I'm sorry op this sounds horrible. Maybe out all the house stuff aside for a minute and have some fun time with DS. Hope you feel better soon xxx

I remember being a just turned teenager when my parents split. I now cringe when I look back and remember how taken in I was by my Dad's "fun" and "money is no object" parenting. Youth doesn't come with the understanding of adult responsibility and sacrifice.

We grow up though and whilst I get on well with both of my parents, I am much closer to my Mum. As an adult, I fully recognise that my Mum made all the sacrifices, putting us first and suffering the hardships, whilst my Dad only ever did for us what was convenient to him (or would win him points against my Mum).

I am so sorry that you are going through this now and it is so painful, but don't let it change how you parent. Your children's adult years are longer than their childhood and they will definitely look back in a few years time and see this for what it is.

I have no knowledge of autistic kids but I can tell you that any number of previously sensible kids are taken over by a partial type of arsehole for a few years. You may have to pick your battles for a while, decide if each interaction is a hill you are prepared to die on or one to let through to the keeper and ride it out.

Next time he asks for a yoghurt I'd refuse to go look for him and act puzzled that he's apparently incapable of finding them.

This is the type of situation where you will never do enough, and the more you act like an unpaid skivvy, the more he will think you are just that. Would he ask his dad to do this ? No ? Then why does he think it's alright to ask you ?

How about next time he asks for this kind of stuff you tell him to ask his dad, since apparently you fail at the "basics" ?

I'm actually really angry on your behalf. Don't go, but stop doing so many things for them.