Page 2 | To want DH to clear up after himself?

tcjotm · 24/04/2022 15:48

I’m like this too but the difference is I live alone, I own it and there’s no one to care that it’s a pig sty.

If other people are around, or impacted (like at work, or on trips) I pick things up and clean up after myself and generally endeavour to ‘leave no footprint’. Because I might be lazy but I’m not an inconsiderate twat!

(and the cheese thing is just stupid and wasteful!)

Wimpeyspread · 24/04/2022 15:49

Palease · 24/04/2022 15:41

The worst one was last week I noticed he’d opened a block of cheese, used it and put the cheese back in the open packet in the fridge without sealing up the open end. I said to him don’t you realise the end will go hard unless you put it in a bag or clingfilm. He just shrugged and said he didn’t really care. Fuck me.

I do this - I like my cheese hard and my biscuits soft!!

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2022 15:49

MolkosTeenageAngst · 24/04/2022 15:43

I’m like this! I don’t do it on purpose and actually it frustrates me that my house is always a mess (I live alone so at least it doesn’t impact on anyone else!) but it’s not a conscious decision to leave things lying around or not complete a task, I tend to get distracted part way through doing something and turn my attention to something else and as soon as something is out of sight it’s like it’s out of mind. So like with the shopping, I might take out what I need to cook, start cooking and then forget about everything else and then as soon as I leave the kitchen it’s out of sight put of mind. Sometimes even when I go back in the room with an unfinished task or uncleaned up mess it’s almost like I don’t process it, I might see the shopping bag but my brain genuinely doesn’t make the connection that it needs to be put away because it’s only focusing on the task I’ve gone into the kitchen to do such as make a drink. I guess it’s sort of an issue with multi-tasking, if I’m thinking or one thing it’s like my brain just doesn’t even consider the other things that might need doing. Sometimes I’ll be stepping over something I’ve left on the stairs for a week and it might be really in the way and annoying but genuinely I don’t even think to pick it up even though it would make life easier if I did! I can’t really explain it but it’s not a conscious thought it deliberate laziness, I think it is just a failure to process it. I am trying to be better and to be more aware of mess but it is really hard and if I’m at all stressed or distracted I fail. I am actually awaiting ADHD assessment as I have a lot of traits and so I’m wondering if this might be part of it.

What I’ve started doing to help me is setting an alarm for each evening where I then make myself go into each room of my house for 2 minutes and look around and complete any missed jobs such as putting packaging in the bin, picking costs or shoes up from the middle of the floor, putting laundry in the wash basket, wiping surfaces etc. If I don’t set an alarm and go into each room purposefully I won’t remember to do it, although I admit even then I sometimes get distracted by other things and don’t make it round the whole house! I wish I was a person who was naturally tidy because being in a messy space definitely effects my mental health but I just don’t seem capable of maintaining it!

The big difference here though is self awareness. You know it, and you're trying to fix it. The ops husband knows he does it, but considers it the ops problem. Huge difference.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 24/04/2022 15:57

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2022 15:49

The big difference here though is self awareness. You know it, and you're trying to fix it. The ops husband knows he does it, but considers it the ops problem. Huge difference.

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Yes I do agree in that regard, it’s hard to know whether the issues are because he’s lazy, a slob, expects the OP to do it or whether he does have difficulties processing tasks or multi-tasking etc but none of those things are really an excuse not to do things. I guess it could be that he genuinely doesn’t care about the mess and hard cheese etc, and if he genuinely doesn’t I suppose that’s his prerogative and he’s entitled to live in mess if he’s happy to do so but the OP is equally entitled to live in tidiness if that’s what she prefers and so it sounds like they aren’t really compatible.

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2022 15:58

slartibartfast · 24/04/2022 15:47

"Do you mean because I don’t want sex he’s not being arsed about being tidy?"

I was wondering, as both issues appeared on the same mn page, whether there is an underlying cause, maybe the "kids are 4 and 1", that might start a discussion which would help the relationship.

Kids lead to household-untidyness. Kids lead to no-sex. Maybe ??

No.

Being bone-idle leads to untidiness

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 24/04/2022 16:07

@Jumpjumpjumper

Been there. Divorced now. Never changed.

He now has some other mug to pick up after him - she has my sympathies.

axolotlfloof · 24/04/2022 16:07

Palease · 24/04/2022 15:41

The worst one was last week I noticed he’d opened a block of cheese, used it and put the cheese back in the open packet in the fridge without sealing up the open end. I said to him don’t you realise the end will go hard unless you put it in a bag or clingfilm. He just shrugged and said he didn’t really care. Fuck me.

That's really not that bad...

Minniem2020 · 24/04/2022 16:08

Op is your OH also my OH? I could have written your post, even down to the cheese.
I had to have an emergency C-section 2 weeks ago and since then he's been amazing, because he's had to be, but I never thought I'd see the day

Original poster

Palease · 24/04/2022 16:20

Minniem2020 · 24/04/2022 16:08

Op is your OH also my OH? I could have written your post, even down to the cheese.
I had to have an emergency C-section 2 weeks ago and since then he's been amazing, because he's had to be, but I never thought I'd see the day

Yes my DH is great if I’m incapacitated eg childbirth, or covid.

OP posts:

Original poster

Palease · 24/04/2022 16:33

axolotlfloof · 24/04/2022 16:07

That's really not that bad...

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Really? So wasteful, lazy and inconsiderate of the next cheese user.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2022 16:39

Minniem2020 · 24/04/2022 16:08

Op is your OH also my OH? I could have written your post, even down to the cheese.
I had to have an emergency C-section 2 weeks ago and since then he's been amazing, because he's had to be, but I never thought I'd see the day

By 'amazing' do you mean that he's stepped up and done the things that need doing that he's always left to you?

(congratulations, btw)

LittleOwl153 · 24/04/2022 16:59

Palease · 24/04/2022 16:20

Yes my DH is great if I’m incapacitated eg childbirth, or covid.

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That almost makes it worse.... because he has PROVED he can do these things - he is just CHOOSING not to because it's someone elses 'job'... pathetic!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/04/2022 17:02

I'm a professional woman who earned more than both husbands yet somehow my role was always relegated to that of a maid there soley to pick up after them.
I'm divorced now, I have better things to do with my time that be a maid for a man.
If they want to be happy they really do need to grow out of this mindset and pull their weight.

motherofchihuahuas · 24/04/2022 17:07

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/04/2022 17:02

I'm a professional woman who earned more than both husbands yet somehow my role was always relegated to that of a maid there soley to pick up after them.
I'm divorced now, I have better things to do with my time that be a maid for a man.
If they want to be happy they really do need to grow out of this mindset and pull their weight.

Yaaass queen. I agree with you. You sound great

LuaDipa · 24/04/2022 17:32

My dh is similar - so messy. The kids are the same in spite of my nagging.

But he is amazing in every other way so I have learned to tolerate it. He brings me coffee in bed every morning when he’s up first. He’s great with the kids and I never touch the bins or garden. It’s not even, but he’s not lazy, just thoughtless.

I don’t pick up after him (much) but he generally takes it well if I remind him to do something. He did once get defensive when I tried to discuss it, and told me that I had a habit of leaving my coffee cup at the side of the bed. I totally do, but when I asked him how often he moved it for me (never) he soon shut up.

With this sort of situation, he won’t change so you need to decide if you can live with it or not. If you can’t then the only option is to separate. My dh has many good qualities so I can cope with his untidiness. I couldn’t cope with it if he was a twat.

AnneElliott · 24/04/2022 17:38

Make sure you're not running after him or doing his laundry. I no longer do stuff like that so H regularly runs out of clean undies - at some point he will get it.

If he leaves crap around I dump it on his desk which means he has to sort it before he can start work.

I feel your pain though - the teenager is much better. He's just hoovered his own room! Can't recall the last time H even touched the hoover!

ImTheFuckOffCar · 24/04/2022 17:50

How does he manage to hold down a job?!

notanothertakeaway · 24/04/2022 17:51

This thread is pretty depressing....

OP, what was your DH like before you married him? If untidy, the writing was on the wall. Most people don't really change

If he was previously tidy, but not now, then he thinks it's your job to tidy up. That's probably worse

notanothertakeaway · 24/04/2022 17:54

ImTheFuckOffCar · 24/04/2022 17:50

How does he manage to hold down a job?!

@ImTheFuckOffCar Oh he's perfectly capable of cleaning up after himself. Just chooses not to

everylittlehelp5 · 24/04/2022 18:11

This thread has actually come at a good time for me. My resolve was crumbling and I was beginning to think it was me with the problem.
If anything it has just made Meroe determined to stand my ground. The silence can continue here because I'm not going to allow myself or my home to be disrespected.

Topgub · 24/04/2022 18:37

Presumably you knew he was like this before you got married had 1 then another kid?

Youve asked him to change repeatedly. He hasn't.

Why do you think he will now?

Discovereads · 24/04/2022 18:48

Palease · 24/04/2022 14:57

Am I freakishly tidy and unreasonable or is DH lazy?

eg, baths kids and their clothes are still on bedroom floor a week later (kids are 4 and 1). Bath toys still in bath. Finishes a bottle of Coke and leaves empty bottle on worktop. Puts jumper on the stairs, still there 2 weeks later. Opens a letter, leaves it on the worktop. Oh and on. Is this something that would annoy you (YANBU) or is this just family life (YABU)?

YABU to list kids mess as if it were his mess, it’s mess you both are responsible for. If I were bathing the kids like you DH did, I’d expect my partner to put their clothes in the hamper and also clean the tub of toys and rinse it out when I was done bathing them. There doesn’t seem to be any teamwork involved in your parenting. I also think it’s disgusting too to leave dirty clothes on the kids bedroom floor for a WEEK!

The rest of it, empty coke bottle, jumper, letter, poorly sealed cheese are oh so minor with a young family and the chaos that inevitably makes a home messy most of the time.

what is really going on?

baibee · 24/04/2022 19:49

Yanbu, but he'll call me obsessed if I ask him to please clean up after himself. I find it infuriating and disrespectful faster I do a big weekly clean and mopping- next thing I see is shorts on the floor, empty toilet rolls, oil splashes, mug in sink. I'm glad it's not just me and I'm not crazy!

slartibartfast · 24/04/2022 20:11

"YABU to list kids mess as if it were his mess, it’s mess you both are responsible for.... There doesn’t seem to be any teamwork involved in your parenting.... what is really going on?"

If your 1-yr-old had a say, I wonder what it would be.

An enthusiasm to have both of you involved at bathtime, playtime, mealtime, small-hours-waking etc, and to be together for (at least) the next twenty years. Maybe worrying less about the cheese... and more about whether another member of the family would be fun ...

Best wishes for the talking-it-through-together. If help would be useful, try some of those people who came to the wedding and said they would support you in good-times-and bad (or words to that effect). MN is always encouraging of the dump-and-move-on strategy. It doesn't have to be like that, of course. Here, we've done this marriage-thing for fifty years, and we might even get the hang-of-it if we carry-on for a while longer ...

GrumpyPanda · 24/04/2022 20:21

Maydaysoonenough · 24/04/2022 15:25

Imo he is leaving the stuff you mentioned to make a point.. He bathed the dc. He shopped. He dealt with the post. He wants a badge for all of these Very Important Tasks you know...

Conspiracy theory much? I'm a woman and leave things around just as ops husband does. Living alone so def not a power thing - I'm just not naturally tidy and somewhat inattentive.