Ask child if they want their 'known as' name to change after divorce

[Prollynot]

Ex and I separated late last year after years of abuse. Kids and I are in counseling and we are doing pretty well. He is having supervised contact with the children for now.

I am aware that I am not allowed to change my children's surname without his permission. But I have been wondering whether to ask my children if they would like to add my surname to their 'known as' name e.g. in school and unofficial paperwork.

AIBU to ask the children (9 and 11) if they'd like to do so? I wouldn't push them in either direction, and will let them know I won't be upset if they don't wish to do this.

I wouldn't do that.

Their name is their name. If they want to change it when they're adults (16? Not sure) then they can.

I think that is a good idea, I'm all for keeping things open and talked about and it gives them the chance to have control over one aspect of it.

My dd asked for her name to be changed to mine

Why would parents separating affect a child’s name? I wouldn’t broach the subject unless the child came to me about it.

My mum did this when I was a child but asked us if we wanted to properly change our names. As a young child of divorce I wanted to show loyalty to my mum by doing so. My dad agreed to it when my sister and I tearfully said it was what we wanted. As an adult it's been a massive pain in the arse as my previous name has followed me around and by the time I'm married I'll have had 3 surnames. Only you can know how your children will respond but that is their name, a product of what the situation was at the time, and I think you should honour that.

I wouldn’t ask them tbh, even with the caveat I think they’d feel pressure to ‘pick’ a parent.

If they want to change their name at some point they may well say ‘mum I wish we all had the same surname’ and you can start the conversation from there. But it’s still very new and I wouldn’t go putting them on the spot about making a decision, if it’s something they want they’ll come to that themselves.

Names are a large part of our identity. I would advise against asking DC if they want to change their name, especially if it's just an informal thing

My Mum and Dad split when my Sister and I were 11 and 9 for very similar reasons.

I was the 9 year old, we have my Dad's surname and within a couple of years I had thought myself about using my Mum's name but decided against it, my name was the name I was given when born, it was the name I knew and others knew so I decided not to.

I wouldn't bring it up personally as even if you don't put pressure on them and say they don't need to etc there's every chance they're going to feel pressured anyway and not want to let you down. If they want to change their name, they'll talk to you about it

All very helpful input, especially from those who have been through similar situation yoursel - thank you. I take on board that it's all still very new and we are processing feelings. Maybe holding off and letting the children come to me if it's something they'd want is the way to go.

I was about 8 when I legally changed my surname back to my mum's maiden name. If that option wasn't available asking what I'd like to be known as would've been a great comprise. I absolutely don't regret changing my name and was mature for my age and able to understand what the consequences of changing my name was. It can be a bit of a pain when getting legal documents as they need all documents relating to the name change - just something to think about for the future if you even do legally change their names. I didn't want anything connecting me to a truly shit father and don't regret anything.

For those asking why I would want to do this. My ex and I are from very different cultural backgrounds and the names are a clear indication of this. During our marriage my ex has always made it known that only his culture/religion matters and we all had to align to that, for example I was not allowed to teach out children my language. So as I now gain some strength I realise how unfair it all was and I am trying to teach our children about both backgrounds. I felt the name change would be a good reflection of that.

While I can understand you wanting this, I agree with holding off unless they raise it , they will have enough going on in their heads without adding to it if it is not something they have thought about.

After your subsequent post I think it would be a very sensible thing to offer them

I had a classmate who had this situation when we were around 10/11. I thought her parents handled it really well. They both told her she could use whichever surname she wanted and neither would be offended, then made teachers aware and changed her paperwork to double barrelled both surnames while she figured it out.

For a number of months you could see her concentrate whenever she wrote both surnames at top of schoolwork. She really thought about it, would discuss her thoughts with me and others. As time progressed she started writing one or the other surname on her schoolwork. Neither parent pressured her and she talked about how they always told her it was her name to decide and they didn't mind which.

After a number of months she announced her decision and paperwork changed to that one. I remember her smiling after decision was made for days whenever she wrote her chosen name.

Would you have double barrelled their name beforehand? If not then no, I wouldn't do it now just because you are separating. Names are a part of a child's identity, yours are definitely old enough to voice an opinion if they aren't happy with theirs. If you bring it up they may feel they have to say yes to changing it for your sake.