Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel left out? Should I say something?

23 replies

HolidayHun2020 · 24/04/2022 09:49

Hello,

Will try and keep this brief…

I am a FTM & my baby is a few weeks old! During pregnancy I made two lovely friends; Kate & Jane - I introduced them & we became a trio, set up a WhatsApp group and went for coffees etc to get to know eachother before our LO’s arrived. Every time we would see eachother we would plan another outing.

Fast forward to us all having babies - I was last, I didn’t really notice that the WhatsApp pretty much died I just thought we were all preoccupied and I was talking to them both separately which I didn’t pay too much attention to.

Kate asked to meet up once I had the baby & said she was only free on Thursday & Friday, we settled on Thursday & I invited Jane along when I spoke to her but she was busy. When I saw Kate she mentioned she had seen Jane on the Tuesday (and had seen her once a week) - I felt a bit upset as I was at home all day alone and I could have been invited & neither of them had mentioned it.

We then got a date in for the three of us and it was lovely but at the end I asked when they were free to meet again & Jane said ‘oh well we were planning on going for coffee on Tuesday if you wanted to join’. Once again they had made a plan at some point & not invited me it was only that I asked, the next day (I was busy as I had mentioned) but I saw on Facebook they were together again, once again we had spoken about our plans for the rest of the week & neither of them said anything…

I’m trying to keep this top line but I am really upset as I feel like I’m being left out. I don’t feel like everyone has to be invited to everything (Jane & I met up a couple of times without Kate) but it upsets me that I’m making the effort with both of them and they are sort of sneaking off and meeting up? AIBU to be upset and is there anyway I can say something without alienating them? Should I just persue both of these friendships individually?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 24/04/2022 09:52

They clearly prefer each other’s company. You’re going to get this in any group. Two’s company, three’s a crowd. If you feel able, ask them why they’re not inviting you, but expect them to give shit excuses.

Bunce1 · 24/04/2022 09:52

You’ve said yourself you message them and meet them individually. I don’t see the problem as they are doing the same. Their babies came before yours they are just making plans that suit.

having a baby can be lonesome perhaps find some other groups to go along to and fill
The time and meet new mum mates.

2pinkginsplease · 24/04/2022 09:54

Unfortunately 3 is a crowd. Someone is always going to be left out,

Beamur · 24/04/2022 09:56

Don't say anything.
They're still your friends but they're each others friends too. Just see each of them as and when you have plans but stop expecting it to always be the three of you.
Maybe it stings a bit, but it doesn't have to. Choose to relax about their friendship.

stuntbubbles · 24/04/2022 09:59

I don’t feel like everyone has to be invited to everything (Jane & I met up a couple of times without Kate) but it upsets me that I’m making the effort with both of them and they are sort of sneaking off and meeting up?
How are they sneaking? You feel everyone doesn’t have to be invited to everything, but seem to want them to run all their plans past you. I’m sorry you’re feeling like the odd one out, and it is difficult with a new baby not having a go-to friend to meet up with, but… that’s life. You can’t make them run their social plans past you.

I’d make an effort to widen your circle – baby bounce/rhyme time at the library, lots of baby classes etc, and try to land on your people.

UnicornPooPoo · 24/04/2022 10:03

So you meet up with Jane and that's Ok? But they meeting up together without you isn't ok? Just to get the facts clear here. You sound a bit needy (also Jane sounds like the Queen Bee and they're really annoying in a group)

Pickabearanybear · 24/04/2022 10:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 10:22

They obviously feel they get on between each other and want to meet up. That's ok.

Original poster
HolidayHun2020 · 24/04/2022 10:58

Thanks for all the responses! Do agree I sound a bit needy, I think it’s that it all worked out so well making such good friends who were so local that I’m just really sad.

Absolutely get that they can meet up just those two, but I think it’s the frequency of it that upsets me & that they don’t seem to ever think I would be free or like to join.

Also if I’m honest, one of them I think it doesn’t even cross her mind to include me, the other one - starting to think it’s a bit more intentional if I’m honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
HolidayHun2020 · 24/04/2022 11:00

Its not the just meeting solo! That I 100% get and would be a hypocrite if I didn’t expect them to see eachother one on one - I would still like to have one on one friendships with them. I think it’s just now the frequency, it seems that I’m actually not getting invited to anything :( but they have both made it clear they still want to be friends

OP posts:
Original poster
HolidayHun2020 · 24/04/2022 11:03

@stuntbubbles when I say sneaking I just mean I’m literally asking what they are up to and not mentioning that they are doing something together…also there was another scenario where they both went to something & Kate mentioned that she had gone alone then Jane messaged to say she had been with her! I’m not trying to be sulky about the situation just really sad :(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2022 11:11

Sorry, but you really are being very unreasonable and I suspect they are wary of your neediness and insecurities. I'm thinking they both feel they have to tiptoe around/walk on eggshells so as to not hurt your feelings.

Kate and Jane are their own people, and they are entitled to make any plans they wish without you. It appears they have a much closer relationship with each other than you do with either of them, and that's normal. I would focus on finding new friends while still having fun on occasion with Kate and Jane.

Blone · 24/04/2022 11:17

YANBU to feel left out. I get it. It's harder still when you introduced them and they don't mention the regular coffee meet ups. Also it's lonely and hard with a new baby.

Sadly this is what always seems to happen in trio friendships. Sometimes it's genuinely because the other two have more in common or 'click'.

However, there can be underhand behaviour at play if one of the group isn't as much of a friend as you think they are? Because they're the ones who will be keeping you on hand just enough to be considered your friend whilst behind your back they're favouring the other one.

Don't rely on them and try to widen your social circle if you can?

RiverSkater · 24/04/2022 11:26

I totally get it - you introduced them, you were a trio and now, routinely, it seems, they are a pair who include you as an afterthought.

I'd be hurt too. Things is, you can't influence who people like. Suggest meeting as a three and one to one too, and widen your friendship group though it's harder than just writing it down. YANBU at all.

pictish · 24/04/2022 11:32

Kate and Jane have clicked. They both like and are happy to socialise with you but as a twosome they have teamed up. Although it’s hurtful to feel excluded, it’s no negative reflection on you so much as their compatibility with one another.

Keep them on your social calendar and cast your net further. Xx

Branleuse · 24/04/2022 11:39

youre being overly sensitive about it imo. Ask to meet up with them more often. Say yes to meeting up for the coffee. Be proactive if you want to see people and develop friendships. You cant expect people to not meet up to see friends one on one, and noones obliged to have group meet ups every time.

honeylulu · 24/04/2022 11:44

I feel for you OP because this has happened to me a lot in groups. I seem to get relegated to spare/ second tier friend whilst others form a best friends or core group relationship. I'm still welcomed so I don't think I'm doing anything wrong but people just don't seem to find me as "clickable".

That sounds like what has happened here. They've formed a best friend relationship and only want a third person to join them now and again. You've already noted that Kate might not bother at all if you didn't arrange it with Jane. I also think you are right that Jane is more conscious of your exclusion, which will sting. But if she only wants an occasional meet up with you, she isn't obliged to offer more, painful as it might be.

I expect posters will pop up telling you to "just go and make more/nicer friends" as if it's as easy as finding them under a gooseberry bush! I hope you will of course but its often not that easy. As far as Jane and Kate are concerned I think you need to decide whether you can muddle along with what's on offer or if it's troubling you so much that you will feel better stepping right back.

YilingMatriarch · 26/04/2022 13:56

You've been Wendied. Sometimes people just click. If everyone is happy to see each other as and when then just rub along. If you feel your being gradually faded out of their friendship maybe say something, but sometimes friendships grow or wither organically, and unfortunately it looks like they consider each other as a much closer friends.

Whatsmyname100 · 26/04/2022 14:01

Yanbu, given that you introduced them to each other. Maybe they bonded over having their babies before you? If you feel that they are really good and genuinely nice people, I would say something. If not, I would just keep a distance but happy to meet on the odd occasion.

ImTheFuckOffCar · 26/04/2022 14:14

Similar happened to me. I introduced a couple of friends at my child’s 1st birthday.
They were in the same profession and had obviously swapped numbers as a couple of weeks later I saw pictures of them out together on SM.
At first it stung a bit not to have been invited but I think it was actually upsetting because I was going through a bit of a hard time myself and could have done with the support.
Once I widened my social circle and had more events in my diary it mattered less that they were better friends with each other then they were with me.

TabithaHazel · 26/04/2022 14:19

I can totally see why this is upsetting you, but you need to be a bit more objective about it. You seem to think because you introduced them you have some kind of prior claim to them both when you in fact meet up with them individually yourself. Some people just get on better and find each other's company more comfortable. It doesn't sound like they are leaving you out as such - it was a bit strange one of them said they went somewhere alone even though they went with the other, but do you think they were 'scared' of your reaction - are you being a bit too intense do you think?

notanothertakeaway · 26/04/2022 14:19

I don’t feel like everyone has to be invited to everything

Well, you kind of do. That's literally the whole point of your thread.........

I do sympathise, it's never very nice to feel excluded, but you have to accept that people are entitled to meet up with whoever they like

Createabitofuntruenews · 26/04/2022 14:23

Never get into a friendship group of 3.It never works out well.I would let these 2 go,not worth it if it makes you feel left out.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page