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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A little advice… please

15 replies

Imhereonceagain · 24/04/2022 09:24

I am just after a little bit of advice here. I’ve been seeing my partner for nearly a year now, we had a slow-ish start to our relationship. I had come out of a three year relationship and was single for around 18 months before we met up so I had a little bit of time to reflect on my previous relationships and realise how bad they were. My partner had just come out of a six year relationship with their ex. After my 18 months of being single and doing a lot of thinking I decided it was time to get back out there so I downloaded Tinder. I was chatting to a couple of people on Tinder but I looked up a colleague I used to work with, we chatted on Facebook for a few months, nothing suggesting there was anything more than friendship involved but we decided to meet up and go for a drink, at that point it wasn’t an actual date, just 2 old friends catching up. After our first meet up we did take things slowly, I think it was at least a week before we met up again. My partner told me they loved their ex (who wouldn’t after 6 years of being in that relationship?) I felt a little insecure at this very early stage, felt that I was just a rebound as my partner would quite often, during conversations, bring up their exes name and talk about things they’d done together. I still had the Tinder app on my phone and was casually chatting to these other 2 people, no dates planned or even talked about. It came out recently that I was still on Tinder after this first meeting with my current partner and they accused me of talking to multiple people at the same time. However, once I felt we had a connection and attraction (around 3 weeks), I decided to delete my Tinder account and although still taking things slowly (cautiously) with my current partner we grew to love each other and have built up what I believe is a great relationship now.

The advice I’m after is this… was I out of order for still keeping my Tinder profile live for the first three weeks of our current relationship? Should it matter that this has come out nearly a year down the line and we have now built and grown our relationship together?

OP posts:
Vidax · 24/04/2022 09:27

3 weeks?

I don't see this as a problem personally. Why is it a problem now?

Imhereonceagain · 24/04/2022 09:30

I don’t see it as a problem myself either but my partner feels like I have been talking to various other people after we started dating

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 24/04/2022 09:31

So they are allowed to bang on about their ex and tell you they are still in love with them, yet you are expected to have no private life of your own at the beginning of a not-yet-really-relationship... Riiiight.

If it's your partner in a strop about this I would wonder if it was worth the hassle.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 24/04/2022 09:32

I would say pursuing a relationship when you love someone else is worse than talking to a couple of guys for a week or two.

How did he even find out after all this time?

Imhereonceagain · 24/04/2022 09:40

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno we had taken a recent visit to ‘meet the in-laws’ for a few drinks etc and it came up while my partner and sister in-law were chatting about my past relationships

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 24/04/2022 09:40

What you did is perfectly normal. Most people don't come off dating apps until they have the exclusive chat. He was in live with someone else. In a way you chased him and I'm wondering if you were a rebound and now he's looking for a way out. Don't take any crap for this, just end things. If it moves whatsoever into emotional torture, then that's it.

Imhereonceagain · 24/04/2022 09:45

Thank you @Ponoka7 🙏🏽

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 24/04/2022 10:20

Why the hell were they chatting about your past? His answer to his sister should have been MYOB. I'm thinking you might have a lucky escape here.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 24/04/2022 10:31

Imhereonceagain · 24/04/2022 09:40

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno we had taken a recent visit to ‘meet the in-laws’ for a few drinks etc and it came up while my partner and sister in-law were chatting about my past relationships

That's absolutely not on, neither of them should have been discussing your past.

Imhereonceagain · 24/04/2022 10:46

@Ponoka7 @WeDontShutUpAboutBruno i agree… after spending the evening together at the in-laws on Thursday, my partner and I went to bed as normal… normal service resumed in the bedroom and then the following day, on the drive back home it all erupted and everything they’d talked about came to the forefront and has been topic of conversation all weekend 😳

OP posts:
WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 24/04/2022 10:49

Imhereonceagain · 24/04/2022 10:46

@Ponoka7 @WeDontShutUpAboutBruno i agree… after spending the evening together at the in-laws on Thursday, my partner and I went to bed as normal… normal service resumed in the bedroom and then the following day, on the drive back home it all erupted and everything they’d talked about came to the forefront and has been topic of conversation all weekend 😳

You can't change the past now, and it's not fair to demonise you over a total non event.

Have you reminded your partner that they continually spoke about how in love with their ex they were?

Imhereonceagain · 24/04/2022 11:01

Yes, I have reminded them on numerous occasions, one night we’d had a few drinks and my partner was showing me pictures of their ex on their phone. I’ve had apologies for this behaviour but I feel it does still come up every now and then @WeDontShutUpAboutBruno I have been assured that DP no longer has feelings for their ex, they are over them now and concentrating solely on our relationship. I do believe this as, like I’ve said we have an amazing relationship now, we can have a laugh together and do silly stuff like all partnerships do. I love what we have but wish that they would see there is and was nothing when I was still ‘Tinder active’ 🤷🏽‍♂️

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 24/04/2022 11:11

Who is they? Are you marrying into the Windsor's? This is between you and him. Massive red flags are flying. It gets put to bed, or it ends. At your most vulnerable this will get used against you and going forward he will use this as an excuse for his bad behaviour, so proceed with caution. Personally I wouldn't proceed.

ThreeLittleDots · 24/04/2022 11:16

I think they're projecting onto you as they still love their ex.

Imhereonceagain · 24/04/2022 11:40

@Ponoka7 definitely proceeding with caution, there have been other red flags which I chose to ignore in the past.
@ThreeLittleDots You’re possibly right there but they have been very convincing if that is the case as the love we have is pretty strong.

OP posts:
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