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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for some tips on how to have this conversation with my DP?

23 replies

TaccoTheRacoon · 23/04/2022 21:07

I’ve been in a long term relationship like 5 years +
My partner and I never really had a proper chat about the future and what is happening, sort of just went with the flow. I have been on and off with mental health issues (which I know am getting help with) and he has been very good at keeping his thoughts to himself. It’s not just with me, that’s kind of his personality and I see him avoiding important conversations in other areas in his life.

I want to talk to him about our future, possibly marriage and kids. I’m early 30s and my clock is ticking (hate this term but true)
I want to be a mum and I want to have some idea of what we are doing.

My plan is to make a list for myself or just ideas, thoughts I have. Tell him that I want to talk to him and fix a time, so it doesn’t just come out of blue.

im not unreasonable for wanting to talk about this, am I?

any tips, ideas or thoughts? I’d love to hear them!

OP posts:

Moochio · 23/04/2022 21:08

Could you just ask him one day? In a hey, I was thinking, do you think we'll ever get married?

Original poster

TaccoTheRacoon · 23/04/2022 21:13

Well, to be honest I kind of have done that before. I didn’t say the m word but I did ask him if he sees a future with me.

I also had a major episode where I told him that I feel unappreciated and feel that he just leads me on. I was in a really bad place at the time and he said that I deserve more than what he is giving me. He has changed this after that and started carrying more and we became closer.

I am a pretty black and white type of girl and need to know that we are in the same page.

OP posts:

HippeePrincess · 23/04/2022 21:14

After 5 years he’d have asked you to marry him and say he wanted children if he wanted that.
How have you not discussed this in over 5 years?
Anyway I’d start with something like “we’ve been together over 5 years now and since I’m now in my 30’s I’m ready to think about our future including marriage and children “

Notimeforaname · 23/04/2022 21:15

You need to just say it clearly..like this

"Do you see marriage and kids in our future"?

It's one sentence can be said any time.

If he needs time to think about it .fine. if not, he'll answer. Job done

Moochio · 23/04/2022 21:17

Yes I think you need to be brave and go for it and just ask outright.

Original poster

TaccoTheRacoon · 23/04/2022 21:18

@HippeePrincess Yeah I get that that’s kind of the norm, but I know plenty of couples that didn’t get married until long into there relationship or at all! I also know some couples that got married within 2-3 years had kids and started falling apart, cheating before they hit 30.

Id like to think that there are no hard rules.

however, I also think that my feelings are valid and we need to work out if we are on the same page or not. And since he is quite a tricky one to talk to, keeps himself and his thoughts very much to himself I need all the tips I can get.

OP posts:

Moochio · 23/04/2022 21:22

And since he is quite a tricky one to talk to, keeps himself and his thoughts very much to himself I don't mean this in a harsh way as all I know of your relationship is the words you have written, but do you mean you can't really talk to him? Because communication is really important and kids can put a massive strain on even the healthiest of relationships.

Quitelikeacatslife · 23/04/2022 21:24

I do think that if all the progress women have made, sitting by and waiting for a man to decide and propose is still a thing. It is very odd really. You absolutely need to just say , I want children in my near future and want to be married first (if you do) how do you feel ? If he says that is for certain not what he wants then you really have tough choices to make whilst you are fertile. That is just biology I am afraid. If he says yeah yeah probably at some point yadda yadda , you need him to start thinking about timescales. Maybe say, ok mull it over for a month or so and we will have another talk about timescales.

justamumseekingadvice · 23/04/2022 21:26

Has he been married or had children before? If so, it might not be as much as a priority to him as it is to you. X

Original poster

TaccoTheRacoon · 23/04/2022 21:27

I can talk to him and we often have deep conversation about lots of things.

He is not where he would like to be work wise and financially and I know that there is a hold up there. Since we never seriously talked about having kids I never bought this up but indicated it.

He is a tricky one to communicate with though but a really great man, who has been there for me many occasions in my life. Definitely not a man of many words but I don’t think that I can change this about him.

OP posts:

Original poster

TaccoTheRacoon · 23/04/2022 21:30

@Quitelikeacatslife thanks, I think that there is a lot of truth in your comment about women waiting for the man…

I was thinking the same , have an initial chat and make a rough plan. Nothing needs to be written in stone and I don’t want to start freaking out about TTC and all that straight away. We will speak and process and speak again. And I will be as frank as one can be.

OP posts:

Original poster

TaccoTheRacoon · 23/04/2022 21:31

@justamumseekingadvice nope no kids, no previous marriage and I’ve been his longest relationship. And he is mine…

OP posts:

WonderingWanda · 23/04/2022 21:34

If you are early 30's and want kids I think you need to be more direct than vague conversations about where you see your future. What age do you want to start having kids? I married at 27 and started ttc straight away but didn't get my first dc till 30 and secod 33. For some people ttc can be a long journey.

Just tell him you would like a baby but you want to be married first and how does he feel about that?

Midlifemusings · 23/04/2022 21:38

How significant have your mental health issues been? When there are health issues at play, that often isn't the best time to make major decisions and it may also be making him think about what parenting / marriage looks like with a partner with a chronic mental illness. You will read threads on here about how many women have no use really for a husband who has mental health issues. There aren't many threads from men but the ones by women mostly conclude they wouldn't marry someone with mental health issues if they had known that / do over. He may not be sure how to approach your health issues in the light of your future.

Original poster

TaccoTheRacoon · 23/04/2022 21:54

@Midlifemusings Thats a really good point and I totally get that. My MH issues go back to childhood and I will be very honest with you I don’t know how severe I am…
I had contacted the GP though and I am now on medication and therapy and feeling loads better.
i think he can see this and more importantly I can feel it. It’s a work in process though. I wouldn’t say I’m a severe case but it certainly affected my life and his too.
it doesn’t mean though that because I have MH problems I don’t deserve to think about marriage and kids…?

OP posts:

Candleabra · 23/04/2022 21:59

Just ask if he wants kids and marriage. I can’t believe you haven’t had even a vague conversation about this in five years
Don’t make a list or set a time for a big conversation. You’ll just get worked up and anxious. Just ask him.
You’ll know from his reaction immediately then.

RonaldMcDonald · 23/04/2022 22:01

Speak to him.

Ask him to free up some time and tell him you want to talk about your relationship in an uninterrupted space - great idea
This framing of the conversation will help and he will not feel sideswiped

Then ask him, it is always better to know.
It may be that you don’t get the answer you wish to hear but then you can change course.
Lots of people struggle with fluctuations in their mental health functioning. This doesn’t mean they should settle for or feel they are worth less in any relationship

polarbearoverthere · 23/04/2022 22:01

Do you live together? Own a home together? Share finances or a car?

These practical things can be big indicators of commitment and can build up to the bigger emotional things like marriage, family etc. Untoward events like bereavements, health issues and mental health crises can also offer an indication of someone’s commitment to helping the other through the challenges, being a partner rather than a boyfriend/girlfriend, so they can also guide towards these conversations, e.g. “I have really valued your support over these past months, I hope you know I would do the same for you if you ever needed it. There might be all sorts of things that will happen in the future, do you ever think about where we will be in 5/10/20 years time?”

Or, if he’s never had this conversation before, he might be hoping you will be the one to bring it up!

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2022 22:06

its not so much that he should’ve proposed by 5 years in but you should’ve discussed if you were both on the same path.

My DH and I got married after 6 years but we’re on that path from much earlier.

if you can’t discuss this you shouldn’t be getting married and having kids be at that’s plenty more difficult.

BeatieBourke · 23/04/2022 22:12

It sounds like you're in a good place yourself at the moment and ready to take some control of the long term direction of your life. That's a really strong position to be in. As someone with a long term, well managed MH difficulty myself, I say you should be proud of yourself.

If you've never had this conversation, you're clear about what you want, and you are ready to ask these questions, my only advice would be that you have to be ready to hear answers you might not like. And have some idea of how you might approach that situation.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

TaccoTheRacoon · 23/04/2022 22:24

@BeatieBourke Thanks, your words really mean a lot to me. ☺️I’ve always kept my MH problems to myself (only my DP is aware what has been going on) and I don’t have anyone, who shared there mental health problems with me. It’s lovely to hear someone’s opinion who has went through something similar and perhaps understands it a little better.

i was thinking of that to be honest… but the truth is that I really do love him and want the best for him. If it’s not meant to be for us than I want him to move on an live the life he wants and I want to get a chance at the life that I desire. Gosh, I’d be in absolute pieces but I couldn’t blame him or myself for not wanting the same thing.

i really do love him to bits and I truly believe he loves me too. There are little things that shows he does and he really has been there for me.

Btw we did have little chats about kids etc, shared some thoughts on raising kids but we never had a chat like ‘right what are we doing…’ and I need that

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 23/04/2022 22:27

I think first you need to set your own 'tentative timeline'. By that I mean have an idea of when you want to get married and have children. Next year? Five years? Ten years? Not that you want to confront him with it as such, but just so you know where your own head is.

Then, yes, you need to ask him whether or not he sees marriage and children 'in his future'. Not "Are we going to get married/have kids and when?" but whether or not marriage/children is something he thinks he ever wants to do at all. See what he says. If he says 'no' you'll know it's time to move on. If he says 'yes' then you can start trying to 'meet in the middle' for both of your plans for the future.

crackingreward · 23/04/2022 22:28

After 5 years he’d have asked you to marry him and say he wanted children if he wanted that.

OP hasn't told him either

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