Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me write an email please?

32 replies

COL1N · 23/04/2022 20:58

Evening all, I have been writing & rewriting an email & need some help as absolutely stuck with what to say...

Whistle stop background:

Parents divorced when I was about 5, not close to my Dad at all, he had us eow for quite afew years but I always disliked going because I just didn't feel any bond with him. At some point he introduced us to his friend 'Jenny' & then later they lived together & we visited them there. When I was around 15 & seeing Dad sporadically I found out the reason my parents had divorced was because he had had an affair with 'Jenny'. I was pretty angry about this not being made clear to me earlier but it wasn't really spoken about much & Ive never had a conversation with my Dad about it at all. I am very close to my mum & always have been. From 18 onwards I totally lost touch with him & didnt see or speak to him for about 15 years. When I had my daughter 2 years ago he got back in touch & we emailed back & forth abit before meeting up in a park last Summer. It was fine, not awkward, we just talked about my daughter & general chit chat. Weve emailed a couple more times & arranged to meet again in a month or so. His last email finalising arrangements threw in that he would be bringing 'Jenny'. I REALLY do not want to meet up with her, obviously she is just an old lady now & its mostly water under the bridge, but I still dont want to spend time with her. I don't really want to see my Dad either to be honest, but feel some obligation because of my daughter.

Right, so if you got this far- thankyou! How the hell can I word an email to my Dad basically saying don't bring 'Jenny'? Help!

OP posts:
Itsallaboutthebenjamins · 23/04/2022 21:03

Just be honest, explain how you feel and why and leave the ball in his court. If he isnt happy with that and then doesnt want to meet up or keep in contact then thats not on you.

KitKat1985 · 23/04/2022 21:07

I think you just need to say that out of loyalty to your Mum you don't want any involvement with Jenny.

Original poster
COL1N · 23/04/2022 21:07

Thankyou for replying! What should I actually say?! I have honestly written & deleted this email 10 times!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/04/2022 21:14

Say something like under the circumstances and because of what has happened in the past I do not feel I am able to meet Jenny. As you know I am very close to my mum and because of the hurt Jenny caused I do not think it would bd a good idea for us to meet.

Giveitall · 23/04/2022 21:20

How about something like this?

“Hi Dad,
II’m really looking forward to seeing you again next month but if you don’t mind could you come by yourself? I don’t want to hurt any one’s feelings but I love the times we spend together and value our special father/daughter conversations.
I know (dc) wants to have you to herself too and is looking forward to creating some happy memories of your visits.
I completely understand if this will be awkward for you but we’ve got a lot of ground to cover before me and (dc) will feel truly comfortable having Jenny there too.
Give it some thought and let me know as soon as you can. My diary is filling up fast so I’m looking forward to hearing so I can finalise things.
If you like, we could have a picnic. dc would love that. If there’s a particular sandwich filling you enjoy, let me know and I’ll bring it.”
These are the bare bones. A springboard suggestion that might get your creative brain into gear?
Have a lovely time.

Original poster
COL1N · 23/04/2022 21:24

Thankyou for these specific suggestions, its really helpful! I think it's awkward because we've literally never spoken about this at all, I dont know if he even knows that I know about the affair- we are not a very open family. I think I need to acknowledge/ explain what the issue is so thats its clear.

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 23/04/2022 21:30

Just to add, you are not obligated to see your Dad either, regardless of your Daughter.

My Dad left for his OW when I was 3 months old. He is just as culpable as her, if not more so, and I want nothing to do with either of them. He made his bed, he can lie in it.

UrslaB · 23/04/2022 21:32

Dad,

Our recent meetings have thus far been a positive experience and I am pleased that you will be a part of my daughters life because X deserves to know both of her grandparents and where she comes from. However, while our estrangement may have ended, the underlying emotions and reasons for it have not disappeared. You know that I am close to mom and for years after I discovered your marriage to her broke down because of infidelity I felt betrayed, angry and upset. More so because for the first number of years ater your seperation mom hid that Jenny was the third part to that infidelity to protect me and not damage my relationship to you. When I did later discover this I admit it coloured my view and feelings of her. Seeing her raises those negative emotions attached to you which led to our losing touch and the distance in our relationship. While I am willing to move on and reforge my relationship with you for the sake of my daughter, I cannot honestly spend time in Jenny's company without her presence reminding me of those negative emotions while also conflicting with my loyalty to my mother. In order to simplify this situation I would ask that our meetings continue to just be you, me and my daughter. I know you have been with Jenny for X years now and she is obviously a huge part of your life, but I just cannot deal with the added emotional baggage of seeing her, nor can I guarantee my behaviour if I see her.

I hope you can understand my feeling and will respect my wishes for the time being,

Your....

FogniniFog · 23/04/2022 21:37

What about this?

"Hi dad,

This is difficult for me to say but I don't think I can meet up next month if Jenny is coming. It is great spending time with you but I'm not close to Jenny and out of loyalty to mum I don't want to risk DC talking about seeing Jenny in front of mum.

I hope we can figure out a way of meeting just us, but I understand if this means you won't be able to come. Let me know."

Original poster
COL1N · 23/04/2022 21:54

Thankyou so much!! I have amalgamated all these suggestions & come up with this- does it sound ok?

Hi Dad,

This is difficult & awkward for me to write but I dont think I will be able to meet up with you in May if X is there.

I dont know if you are aware that I didnt know or understand how your relationship with X started when I was a child, & only really found out what had happened alot later on. Obviously its all a long time ago now & X is a big part of your life but I dont wish to spend any time with her.

I totally understand if that makes things difficult for you to meet, I am happy to facilitate you meeting Y but only if we keep it to you, me & her.

Let me know.

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 23/04/2022 21:57

Perfect OP x

Hesback · 23/04/2022 22:04

He has been with “Jenny” for 30 years though.

Do bear in mind she is in life regardless of how that came about. You might not feel comfortable to meet her now but will you at some point in the future. Or will if just be at his funeral you do.

He cheated Yes but he’s also been happy with her for 30 years. Much longer than he and your mother were?

Giraffesandbottoms · 24/04/2022 07:34

He cheated Yes but he’s also been happy with her for 30 years. Much longer than he and your mother were?

this. I can see why you don’t like her but it makes little sense to me that you can tolerate his presence and not hers. I think you probably need to get over it a little bit….

PurrBox · 24/04/2022 07:44

Hesback and Giraffesand bottoms The OP is just starting to create a relationship with her dad after many years' estrangement. She has talked about how distanced and disconnected she feels. She needs to have a chance to express her feelings (if she wants to after a while) and get closer to her dad, also she needs to feel like he knows and takes an interest in her.

With 'Jenny' there, it is 10 X more awkward, with no chance of a real connection developing. The conversation will, at the very best, just be polite banalities.

Hesback · 24/04/2022 07:46

@PurrBox I appreciate that but she seems to be writing any relationship with Jenny off forever.

LadyJGrey · 24/04/2022 07:51

And that’s her prerogative.

PurrBox · 24/04/2022 07:55

Hesback, The way I see it the OP feels like that right now, at the tentative beginnings of reconnection with her dad. It sounds like (after 15 years) they have only actually met once in person, last summer.
Feelings evolve.
If in the future she has a strong and caring relationship with her dad, then who knows what might happen? Maybe Jenny would become a trusted friend in time...
My worry for the OP is that her dad is probably a bit tone-deaf to her feelings, or he wouldn't even suggest bringing 'Jenny", but would be trying to create a personal bond with the OP, including apologies and discussions of difficult topics.

Palavah · 24/04/2022 08:02

I would say you're not ready to meet Jenny "yet".

You might never be ready but this way you're not totally ruling out the possibility.

Giraffesandbottoms · 24/04/2022 08:08

But from the father’s point of view, Jenny has been a constant in his life for 30 years or whatever it is. op hasn’t been around for the last 15 and he has.

I think the email OP wants to send is fine, and the first suggestion is fine but some
or the email suggestions are so heavy and emotional and will just scare her father off.

it’s fine not to want to meet Jenny yet but at some Point I think it would
be the reasonable thing to do.

christmassausages · 24/04/2022 08:16

Hesback · 23/04/2022 22:04

He has been with “Jenny” for 30 years though.

Do bear in mind she is in life regardless of how that came about. You might not feel comfortable to meet her now but will you at some point in the future. Or will if just be at his funeral you do.

He cheated Yes but he’s also been happy with her for 30 years. Much longer than he and your mother were?

I agree with this. 30 years have gone. Definitely time to move on. You can't keep blaming Jenny for what your dad did. You did see you dad eow growing up. To me that shows he wasn't some sort of dead beat dad. Life really is short. Let your daughter get to know them.

Theunamedcat · 24/04/2022 08:18

I would be upset that I had just got back in touch and he is getting her involved again already why can't dads just be dads without there significant other being there

Your email sounds good hope things go well

Muppetlove · 24/04/2022 08:23

I think you need to give your head a wobble. Your dad and jenny were each as much to blame for the affair. Why are you just blaming her? Your mum should also see they are both to blame

Frankly I think you need to move on from the past. How many years ago was this now?

And yes I say this as a kid of parents with a dad who had an affair and married her.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 24/04/2022 08:47

At this point, your dad and Jenny have been together for longer than your parents were.

I don't personally get your view - this was three decades ago and I think you're going to push your dad away by saying you won't meet his partner.

It's not her fault your dad cheated and broke your family up - that was all on him.

420Bruh · 24/04/2022 08:51

You don't have to see him if you don't want to you know.

AuntieDolly · 24/04/2022 09:00

I think it's strange you seem to be blaming Jenny, but not your dad. How does your mum feel about it? You've met Jenny before and she's been your dads partner for many years. If you want to meet him alone because you haven't seen him for so long that's understandable, but I'm struggling to see the Jenny issue really.

Swipe left for the next trending thread