CO-PARENT OR SINGLE PARENT?

[muddlethroughmumma]

Today my co-parent threatened to take me to court. Not with a solicitor's letter or anything but the words still came out of his mouth. Just because I told him I am not ready to let him look after our three-month-old breastfed son by himself. I have never once told him that he is not able to see his son, just not without me being there. But it's not even like he's trying when we do see him, he tends to just sit on his phone, and isn't bothered by our son at all, he likes to emphasise the fact that he is "daddies boy" but will put him down after 10 seconds of a cuddle and his solution to crying is just to hand him to me. His family are all exactly the same and we haven't been to their house for a long time because after lying to me about it, it's obvious that they smoke in their house, and Os and I are allergic to their cat. I feel like all I'm trying to do is what's best for my son, but it seems like he sees me as a villain! Am I being unreasonable?

Realistically, who cares what he thinks? Maybe you should stop trying so hard, and see if he actually steps up to see his son. Also, he is not God, his word is not law. If he tries to take you to court (he won't- these types of men never do), he won't get equal access to a three month old breast fed baby.

Could you start by letting him have his own time with child in your house? E.g. Going off for half an hour / hour while he is there with your child. It could help build his and your confidence in him being alone with the child and half an hour / hour won't affect you breast feeding

He needs to step up and stop acting like he's visiting you and his son and actually parent him. If he can't stay off his phone and hands him back to you all the time he has a long road ahead. I echo PP could you try leaving him to look after his son while you go out for a walk? Or the other way around? He could go our for a walk? To let you have a breather?

I did offer to do that today, but he claims that he has no money to get here, but bought a suit yesterday...Just feels as if he wants to show our son off to people but not actually take the responsibility of being his parent... which is okay with me, but I just want him to be honest, does anyone know about custody laws? I've tried looking online and on the gov website but I cant make sense of anything...

I think it would be unfair to not let him see the baby. Without him the baby wouldn't exist. You won't know if he wants to parent or not without giving him a chance. If it so happens that he isn't pulling his weight then defo step in but you will defo be made the villain if you don't give him that chance imo

You've got 18 years of this ahead of you so I think you need to be communicating with each other about your roles in this. My advice would be to pick your battles carefully. Take the legalities out of it and assuming he is on the birth certificate and has parental responsibilities, start trying to forge a relationship going forwards based on the needs of your child.

Right now your child physically needs you for food however that will drop off over the next year so he can take the child out for longer lengths of time. That will give him to to find his feet (if this is his first child he probably won't have a clue but give him space and time to work it out). Try to let him take more responisibility and it will pay off in the longer term when you need a bit of space for work, new relationships etc...

Smoking at his home is not ideal so you can ask him not to exposure your child however it might not be practical if he eventually has overnights. You need to let him make decisions for his child too but be encouraging.

If he proves to be a good dad, then great, if he really messes up, by all means look at legal avenues but give him a chance. If he tries to return baby, encourage him to try to soothe his crying, he'll never learn otherwise!

Are you still in a relationship with him OP or is he literally just a Co-parent?
Do you live together because it doesn't seem like it?

Anyway...
My breastfed DD wouldn't have tolerated being away from me for more than 45-60 mins until she was 5 months old.

He needs to step up. The arrangement sounds difficult and if he can't afford to see you wtf is he planning to do to see his son?

You need to consider whether you can be arsed with the next 18 years of this, it probably won't get easier if this is how he is now. A firm and honest conversation is needed and an action plan. Failing that consider your options

Also I hate on these threads where breastfeeding is concerned people say the partner needs to give the other one a chance to bond/parent etc.

Nothing at all stopping him from being hands on while you're there!!!!

He can: cuddle baby while you're not bf
Be close to baby when you are bf
Do nappies/winding/changes
Help with bedtime bathtime or morning routine
Pass you baby through the night for feeds so he's part of it all

Not to mention the other stuff he can do to support you as the breastfeeding parent as it is bloody exhausting!

She has said in the OP that she isn't stopping him seeing the baby but when the baby is 3 months old and EBF he can't just go off with the baby for hours himself

Where did I say to go off for hours?? I said if they could start by her going off for half an hour or an hour so she could build up her own trust that he can parent. She mentioned legal custody which led me to believe she might go down the road of not letting him see the child.

Look at the legal queen on Instagram, if you private message her she gives you some advice privately or if you look at her page she shares lots of answers to questions parents have in the family law sense

@Confusion101 you won't know if he wants to parent or not without giving him a chance , I think it would be unfair not to let him see the baby

She is giving him a chance though, as she said in the OP - he wants to take the baby, not just see them with the OP around, that's where the hours came in to it. She mentioned legal custody because he threatened her with court, not the other way round