AIBU to discipline nephew when his parents aren't around?

[Raggeo]

My 1st AIBU, but genuinely looking for others' perspectives.
Brief background, my family (DH, 6mo,2yo and I) are on an extended holiday to visit his family. Different country, different culture, especially in regards to parenting where the kids are king with no boundaries. All his family live in 2 houses next to each other.. His parents, siblings, their partners and their children of varying ages. This past week we have been looking after all the children because the schools are off and it allowed their parents to work and my mother-in-law to get a break. Its been wild and chaotic but a lot of fun too. The kids are boisterous and toys often get broken and always arguing. We put in some basic rules... Meals at the table, limit on tablet volume, limit on screen time,sharing toys. Nothing too strict (I think), the kids didn't complain and everyone generally had a nice time.
Today I was lying out on the patio floor with my 6mo and one of her cousins playing. Another cousin joined us (8yo) and the play started to get rough so I reminded him to be careful around the baby. He did stop but while larking about he accidentally swiped a glass from the table that that smashed over the floor. Thankfully it fell to the side of us so no harm done but could have easily gone the other way. Cousin shrugged his shoulders and walked into house. His parents were next door so could hear what was happening. I asked DH to speak to cousin to explain the potential consequences and why he has to take care but also that we knew it was an accident. I don't have 100% grasp of the language or would have done it myself. Anyhow, DH didn't shout and is speaking to the boy about what had happened. Cousin isn't upset but is regretful. As far as we were concerned that was it done. But then the dad of the child came in shouting aggressively at DH, why do we always have rules and it was an accident so it doesn't matter. He lunged at DH, with me and my 6mo sitting in between but didn't actually hit him. I quickly removed myself from situation and DH remained sitting on sofa so didn't retaliate, but was shouting back. The brother then threw a chair and knocked over another before storming off with his children.
Now I feel awful that there has been such a big family rift since I was the one that asked DH to speak to the boy. So AIBU for doing so?

The father of the nephew behaved badly in any culture. If you are being kind enough to do some childminding they could show better manners. Sounds like he is raising his son to be an entitled prick like himself, throwing his weight around without being pulled up on it.
I wouldn't engage with tantrumming man-child, stay calm and polite and let the fuss die down.

The child’s father behaved terribly. Shouting was bad enough but lunging at people and throwing a chair, totally out of order and an awful example to his child.
If they don’t want their kids to obey your rules( which sound reasonable) then they should look after their own children.

Yeah the child's fathers an idiot.

The child father is a dickhead. They can look after their own children from now on can't they.

Different country, different culture, especially in regards to parenting where the kids are king with no boundaries.

Well it is easy to see what sort of behaviour the no boundaries leads to by looking at the boys father. Is that your DHs brother?

Jesus I would be looking forward to the end of that visit

Thanks everyone. Yes, the boys father is my DHs brother. DH seems unphased by it, maybe its a sibling thing here😬
It's the first time we've been here for 2 years so wouldnt cut trip short and stop my kids seeing their grandparents but I think the next couple of weeks we need to plan lots of trips out to be away from the house. With everyone living together in such close proximity its hard to say yes we will see this brother but not that one, or see my parents in law but not anyone else.
The problem with the childcare is that if we refuse to look after some/all of the children then it all falls on my mother-in-law. She isn't really able so we were happy to give her a break. Although, she can't say no to the kids (or their parents) so she is her own worst enemy sometimes.
Brother-in-laws reaction aside, do you think it was reasonable to speak to the boy about accidentally smashing the glass? DH is worried that maybe at 8yo the boy wouldn't understand the risk/danger of a glass smashing next to or on a baby? I think even my 2 yo would understand very basically that if glass breaks baby could get hurt. Also, as it was an accident should we just have ignored it?
I hate conflict and knowing DH I think he will just brush it under the carpet to keep the peace when he sees brother tomorrow. I'm torn between moving on for the sake of my parents-in-law or demanding an apology for such aggressive behaviour around me and baby. Its upto DH if he wants an apology too.

So who looks after the children when you're not there, then, if your MIL is not really up to it?

It is not rude to tell a child off for smashing a glass near a baby, but it is rude and deranged to try to throw a chair at another adult!

What a ghastly fucking culture this sounds.

The cousin is 8. More than old enough to know that broken glass is dangerous.

his shrugging and walking off just shows how lacking his parents have been with him. Actions have consequences - that’s something he needs to know and understand as he goes through life.

. Most kids would be really upset about breaking a glass like that

Your DH was quite right.
his brother was a prick.

Are you in Italy?

Your bil is an idiot, you have rules to teach children boundaries and consequences and because most people don't want feral children. The kid is 8 and it was an accident, no harm in explaining what could have happened and the need to be more careful. Yes it could have hurt your child but the 8 year old could have got hurt too so needs to be more mindful of themselves and other people. The Bil is an ridiculous and can look after his own kids. Have you really gone on holiday to babysit other people's kids? You aren't going to win any awards with the mil for taking care of the grandkids so she can rest, presumably she has a voice and could speak up if it is too much for her? I think bil is annoyed you guys are disturbing the status quo. Honestly I'd leave them all to look after their own kids, enjoy your holiday and cone home

Normally the kids are at school or after-school care. Sometimes the parents arrange to take their kids to work with them during holidays but mostly it is just expected that mother-in-law does it. She seems to just let them run around or sit on their tablets and feeds them every 5 minutes. I think having the grandmother look after kids is the norm here as friends of ours all do the same. Because of that there aren't really many other options available, at least outwith the main cities anyway.

Obviously your DH's brother was out of line but to be honest I would leave DH to manage that relationship as he sees fit. I wouldn't want my DH telling me how to deal with my sibling.

Equally I personally wouldn't bother demanding an apology for him lunging past you. You were just sort of in the way when he clearly saw red- he wasn't aiming for you particularly.

I do think seeing as you are occasional visitors, there is a sort of onus on you to fit in with the status quo. You've clearly come in with very different ideas about how the children should be acting and it may well be grating on others.

Seeing as you live quite removed from them on a daily basis, and they aren't your family, I would probably try to let DH deal with it as he sees fit, and just be a support to him. If he decides to just let it all go for the sake of peace, then so be it. Obviously if you were seeing them more regularly it would be a different matter.

I agree with @Holly60. It’s not your battle. I would concentrate on your baby and his safety. And don’t look after kids anymore, you clearly have different approach to parenting and it won’t do anyone good. I have beautiful relationship with my sibling but disagree how she’s treating her grandson. (and believe me my approach is good and sensible and I’m not the only one who thinks that she’s wrong) I never ever do any looking after him while visiting. I visit once a year. I can cook, wash up, help her with tidying up etc but I’m not involving myself in any child caring duties even a minimal ones. And we are talking about my own family with whom I’m very close.

If they want you to babysit their child, your rules apply. He acted dangerously, the baby could have been injured. Before you babysit again establish ground rules with child and parents.

@Holly60 @greenlynx Yes,I think you are both right. I asked DH how he wanted to play it tomorrow and he's hoping his brother will apologise but won't bring it up if his brother doesn't. Totally his call and I'm staying out of it.
@Sceptre86 I think you've hit the nail on the head. If anything I think MIL is annoyed at DH for upsetting his brother🙄 we will find other ways to help but let her watch the kids. I also think you are right about the brother being upset about the change to the status quo. I knew this wasn't really going to be a holiday for us before we came so I was prepared at least. It's my DH's family though and my eldest adores his grandparents so I guess it's worth it.

DH and I also discussed this evening that while our kids are not in school we will try schedule future trips so they don't coincide with the school holidays here. Then that removes the childcare issue and will make it a much quieter relaxing time.

Hmm. Not really. If 'your rules' were snacking and theirs were 'no smacking' or 'your rules' were 'eat whatever they want and theirs were 'vegan' you wouldn't expect a baby sitter to be able to just apply their own rules. But OP your BIL sounds unhinged. I can't imagine any culture where lunging and throwing around furniture is considered the norm.