Or can abusers never change?

[AngelaRayner4PM]

Is an abuser always an abuser, or can they change?
I used to be so sure on this, but am finding myself to be increasingly conflicted about whether abuse is always deep rooted or whether sometimes it is circumstantial.
What do you all think?
Once and abuser always abuser or can people change?

I think they probably can, but only if they choose to and do a lot of work.

I suspect given how little most people really change it’s not common.

I have met a lot of people who were only violent when drunk or only violent when they had a mental breakdown, they make me wonder whether it is possible to Change that behaviour because surely anyone in bad enough experiences could become violent due to fight/flight response and just self preservation. And also eg. Somebody who's manic or in psychosis that is not in their right mind.

But then at the same time how many abusers use that as an excuse and say they were only violent because they were drunk or provoked or suffering from mental illness.

I have seen some people make some massive life changes, myself included. But I have never seen an abuser change, seen many play act at it only to get worse down the line.

Yes I think they can

Why do you ask OP?

If it's because he said he will change, he won't.

I think they can too (rarely and with a lot of work) but I think it’s a dangerous thing to believe if you’re actually in an abusive relationship.

I'm not in an abusive relationship anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I am wrong to think he should never be in our children's lives (I know initially it was in their best interests, but what if he spent years working on himself? Idk) equally my own dad I'm NC am I too rigid? Could he change? A couple of other times I have gone NC with people because of violence when they were drunk or in mental health crisis. I just wonder if my boundaries have gone too far the other way and I have become mean, inflexible and unforgiving. Too quick to judge everyone by a rigid rule instead of considering the circumstances of their behaviour

My relative did after a stroke that seemed to rewire his brain he didn't even need glasses after the last one

Stopping binge drinking had a lot to do with it as well

My ex husband is currently on an up but I was discussing things with our eldest yesterday he still fears he is going to be arrested for something again as its been almost two years since his last arrest he is praying dad stays with this latest girlfriend as she seems to be keeping him out of trouble like I once did, you have no idea how troubling I find this that a young child has the impression that dads girlfriend is responsible for dad's behaviour

Also if my own child was the abuser would I just right them off forever? Or would I help them to work on their issues and stop being abusive. Would that just be utterly futile and pointless? I worry my children will continue this generational pattern sometimes and then what? Would I just cut them off.

Is it really so black and white or are there always shades of grey and exceptions?

You get your children away from the abuse.

When people show you who they are - believe them the first time.

wanting to change, and being able to change is very different. I don’t know anyone who changed permanently.

Again my ex is an abuser so I can only say what I've seen from there side

Mum supports son regardless as does all the other family members she has him back while on bail pays for him gifts him cars and cash when she can tells everyone he is innocent its the evil women cutting him off from everyone and everything poor little lamb

Personally if my child was arrested for multiple sex offences and multiple assault charges I would cut him off because false accusations are rare it doesn't happen five six seven times and counting

I think I will just file this into the part of my brain that deals with theories not realities. Could an abuser change? Theoretically. But will any of the ones I've know/met/related to? Statistically incredibly unlikely and not worth changing path on the off chance. Keep the strong boundaries and no contact.

Yes they can, and some do.

But it’s hard and lengthy just and needs full commitment, and most don’t bother as the ‘rewards’ of abusive behaviour are too great to give up.

In your circumstances I don't think it's just about whether they can change either OP, being abused leaves it's scars and it's whether you can afford to take the risk of giving them chance to prove it, or not as the case may very well be. There's only so much a person can take and it seems perfectly reasonable to me that you would prioritise protecting yourself over giving people (who may or may not have put the work in to change) another chance.

Strong boundaries are a good thing and you don't owe anyone a chance or your forgiveness. That's not hard or inflexible, it's how you build and maintain self esteem and self respect and show those around you how you expect to be treated, and how you teach your DC to do the same

I hope my ex doesn't come back into my Dc life. I know it has torn me apart my relationship with my Dad and impact on my siblings as well, it's like it just blew our family apart having one toxic parents, even though my parents divorced my Mum couldn't protect us from the impact of having one parent like that. Still now it's having the same impact and there is a divide between the ones who do or don't have a relationship with him. It's hard watching basically all the men in my life follow the same script.

So that unfortunately my boys are learning that men mostly are abusive, alcoholic, unreliable, immature and/or leave.

How do you change that pattern? I try and talk to them about their feelings and teach them better ways to manage conflict and anger, and try and model as best I can. But all I'm really modelling is that women can do everything 😂

I have a friend who was abused her dad, the by her husband and now her son is abusing his girlfriend, I don't know how to circuit break that same pattern